[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Willowtrees

Everything is unraveling and I feel like the help Im asking for does not exist. Been in the hospital inpatient because of alters twice in maybe 10 days for serious self and selves destructive plans. Im sure you can imagine how swimmingly that went. They literally didnt even spell my disorder right. Losing time, but more importantly, information, that i wasnt before, and its terrifying. Really dont know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to be helping. Ive stopped trying so hard to hide the DID because its impossible now. Alters i pushed back before are now all "notice me!!". Noticing how much the inner house affects real life. I had a butler in the house for months, but thought he was just imaginary. Is not. Crying all of the time, hearing voices threatening to make me black out, bad sleep, panic attacks. When is anything going to get better? Im getting all of the help I can.

Often, when alters are "Acting out" it is because their needs aren't getting met; maybe they need to be heard and seen, maybe they have part of the story they're willing to share now, maybe they're hurting or afraid or angry... it's tough to learn what our insiders need. writing can help. giving them time to be out and do things with set guidelines and boundaries... I lost my train of thought.... um oh - like when you know you will be home and safe for several hours. that kind of thing. It's hard to know that we are allowed to have needs, yet alone what those needs might be.
Best!

[Willowtrees]

I think i have this weird drive the others maybe dont , to both be as different and seperate as possible but then later deny the others are there

Like i intentionally and consciously do different stuff than them out of this dislike. Not for them. I just have to be joshua and not them.

So if i started.. Idk.. Tightrope walking, and then tristan got into it too, and it became an us thing, id have to find something else thats just and only mine. I might even give up the tightrope walking if i felt like itd cause any more cohosting.

Its as if i feel the brain is just a womb and im trying to birth myself out of it into a whole person rather than a part. Maybe thats where some of my problems come from.


Joshua

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Mully

I'm struggling to accept my reality. It feels like this giant secret and I hate feeling so vulnerable with my T. At the same time, it's nice to finally be real and honest about who I am.

I was officially diagnosed last week and my world has never felt more shattered. I have never felt so confused. I feel like there is this internal war inside that keeps growing and won't cease. At the same time "me" feels relief to be open.

I've never realized how much I battle myself to do something or go somewhere. I find myself held back often because some "don't want to" or because of unexplained fear which results in hesitation or doing nothing.

been really annoyed today.

they've been doing work round here and it's caused everyone's internet to be really slow.

that means no internet radio (having no music sucks!), and it means checking my emails etc take twice as long.

uggg

A client wouldn't answer the phone today, so paranoid crept in, like it was the end of the world or something, so we did nothing all day. We just had a meet, so we're all back tomorrow.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I was officially diagnosed last week and my world has never felt more shattered. I have never felt so confused. I feel like there is this internal war inside that keeps growing and won't cease. At the same time "me" feels relief to be open.

Hugs ! It is a bit disorienting at first. Keep with it. You'll find strengths you didn't know we're there.

[Kiya]

I think I'm done with therapy this is getting ridiculous.

I'm disgusted with the others. Whimps.

[wheredidthepartygo]

the other day a few were contemplating the use of cutting to control shane since so often he feels so violent (ten the violence on him so he doesn't turn it on others?)
i'm not sure
i don't condone it

had a horrible night of suicidal thoughts/ bad memories

reading helped me a little though, i guess

and i didn't harm myself and that's a good thing, right?

only thing i've done today so far is watch my soap opera- and as long as i make it to the phone to order my pizza in tonight, i'm just staying put

[wheredidthepartygo]

only just remembered i had a dr appointment i was supposed to go to... 3 hours ago... ridiculous. nothing's getting done.

[Gr3tta]

I've been having extreme anxiety and i think its coming from one of my alters named sarah. I've realized I've been hearing hher a lot, and she is always very upset. I don't know much about her. I'm going to bring this up in yherapy tomorrow.

[Kiya]

Saw psych nurse today - good visit and she helped remind me who WE are and why we're important in the system. Wish I'd remembered to get the info I needed from her lol at least I remembered my prescription.

Originally Posted by Kiya

Saw psych nurse today - good visit and she helped remind me who WE are and why we're important in the system. Wish I'd remembered to get the info I needed from her lol at least I remembered my prescription.

perhaps you can get the info next time

glad you had a good day

We get to start DBT today. Kinda apprehensive because our personality issues has always been our deepest dark secret.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

We get to start DBT today. Kinda apprehensive because our personality issues has always been our deepest dark secret.

i remember you mentioning that yesterday.

i hope that it goes well for you

[darkpurplesecrets]

Couldn't feel any more above and as though I am writing from somewhere reaching far down. Mind feels like it is not my own. Don't know who is close. But the mirrors scare me and it is like I am silently floating afraid of today. Does that make any sense to anyone at all? I feel so alone. It feels dark even though I know it is day.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( dps )))))))))

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Couldn't feel any more above and as though I am writing from somewhere reaching far down. Mind feels like it is not my own. Don't know who is close. But the mirrors scare me and it is like I am silently floating afraid of today. Does that make any sense to anyone at all? I feel so alone. It feels dark even though I know it is day.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Couldn't feel any more above and as though I am writing from somewhere reaching far down. Mind feels like it is not my own. Don't know who is close. But the mirrors scare me and it is like I am silently floating afraid of today. Does that make any sense to anyone at all? I feel so alone. It feels dark even though I know it is day.

((((DPS)))) can you find something in the physical world to 'tie' your essence to? something you can touch that will bring you back?

yesterday (wednesday), was meant to be the night that i was meant to do shopping online.

totally slipped my mind, to be honest. i heard something really triggery in the news (which caused me to not really have the energy), and then... i'm not quite sure what happened the rest of the night. think someone else took over

though i was quite happy this morning that my friend shirley (also with DID) returned from her weekend break.

emailed me saying she had a lovely time, and that she now has a new blog which i'm going to follow

[Willowtrees]

Why do I fall so easily for people? Im a mess. Its not a good idea to date anyone. Id probably just make them sad. But they believe im a good person. Weve held hands. They nickname me a prince. And they havent chased me away yet, even after i made some mistakes (not bad guy mistakes, i was just being dumb). These are good things, right? Do they like me? Im so afraid of turning into my abusers that I become hypercritical of what I do or say and I wish I could just enjoy myself for once and let things happen however they happen. I feel like I dont even know how relationships work. If this pans out, it will be the first one in years that wasnt predators. And if it doesnt i dont care, i like them, i want to be their friend. I feel like a dumb boy who really knows nothing and I hope they will tolerate me.

Josh

[Kiya]

best of luck Josh.
I can relate to feeling like I don't know anything about relationships. I don't even get in them. Like that part of me is tooooooo young to be in relationships. you are brave to keep going out there

i was told today by 1 person i matter.

only 1 but feeling important now!

[Kiya]

Yay! You do matter. And it helps so much to be validated!