I woke up with this intense pain in my lower back that wasn't there last night which has made me gingerly move around today. A good day all and all. I got to go to the mall with my son so he can buy his shoes. A time or 2 an other tried coming through, but this was my time.

-Steven

[Kiya]

Was supposed to meet a new psyD today; but still too sick. This moment has been put off until Sunday.

[IB splitting]

Hey everyone, this is Kristy, IB doesn't know we're writing here but Zachary has been bugging me to share his poem that he wrote. May trigger some, please view with caution.

As I taste the blood from my wound
I think maybe the end will be soon
Yet I wake to the sound of my breath
Wondering what to do next
You left me here, now ALL is fear
cannot even shed a tear
cannot rest, till I lay my head
on your chest, only then may I feel
just maybe, I will begin to heal...
Zach

[Willowtrees]

Im picking up my stuff from her house tomorrow morning. I didnt want to say were breaking up over the phone, which i didnt directly ; I guess there was no way around it, you dont talk to someone for 4 days and then you gotta get your stuff and i guess its obvious.

She must think im a huge asshole. She probably thinks im upset over buying the cigarettes or something. But she wouldnt understand if i tried to tell her how much ive thought about this. And itd just hurt more. She said theres nothing she has to say to me in person. That hurt. Everything hurts. I hope shes asleep when I get there. I hope she doesnt get mad at me. Please, please dont get mad. Please be asleep. Please dont cry. I really like you. I dont want to do this, and I hate myself. Im starting to wonder whether or not Id just overreacted. I guess even if I were its already set in motion. This is going to take so long to get over.

I went to the intake but im not going to go into the program. My eating disorder feels like my friend right now

[Ellahmae]

I can't accept this. I can't do it. Everything I thought was normal and how everyone is, isn't. They won't stop yelling because I talked and I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know how to handle this.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I can't accept this. I can't do it. Everything I thought was normal and how everyone is, isn't. They won't stop yelling because I talked and I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know how to handle this.

Ok- stop: breathe. One step at a time. Remember feigns of panic pass. Use coping skills- u can do this!!!

[Gr3tta]

I am getting married Tomorrow! ! Eek!!

[Kiya]

Congrats Gr3tta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I am getting married Tomorrow! ! Eek!!

Congratulations!

Originally Posted by IB splitting

Hey everyone, this is Kristy, IB doesn't know we're writing here but Zachary has been bugging me to share his poem that he wrote. May trigger some, please view with caution.

As I taste the blood from my wound
I think maybe the end will be soon
Yet I wake to the sound of my breath
Wondering what to do next
You left me here, now ALL is fear
cannot even shed a tear
cannot rest, till I lay my head
on your chest, only then may I feel
just maybe, I will begin to heal...
Zach

Thank you for sharing the poem with us, Zach and Kristy.

Wow! Awesome Gr3tta! Congratulations!

[Willowtrees]

Roommate/ex boyfriend made a terrible threat. I weighed if id feel safer on the street or at home. I picked the street. Im homeless as of today.

Can you fnd a shelter for the night? Or do you have a vehicle to camp in? Xoxoxo

[Willowtrees]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Can you fnd a shelter for the night? Or do you have a vehicle to camp in? Xoxoxo

I found a shelter... I dont know if i can stay for more than a night... They have to do an intake.. But we'll see.

Sweety, go down to DHS and get on section 8 and apply for food stamps. The state help is all about females, especially if they have children.

[Kiya]

(((((((((Willow)))))))))) glad you found a shelter!!!! Keep us posted! Glad you chose safety!

(((( Willow))))

That couldn't have been an easy decision for you. I bow before your bravery and strength, and am so glad you chose safety.

I hope it works out for you, and that the shelter lets you stay a longer. Hang in there, my friend.

Another day, another alter. I had the pleasure of meeting another alter in our system today. His name is Chase. He's our athlete, and boy was he pissed at me for not exercising last week. In my defense, I wasn't around last week much. Meeting him is bittersweet. On one hand, I'm glad to know I have someone in here whose concerned about keeping us on track physically. On the other hand, I'm a little...upset. It makes me wonder which part is actually ME, the host. Who am I, alters aside? Am I just a sum of them all? I thought atleast running is me. It turns out that's Chase's thing. So what exactly is MY thing?

Doubts aside, I'm glad to have met another member of the system.

Hi Chase! Maybe you both share running? Have you asked the others what they think your job is? Others can see what you can't see.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hi Chase! Maybe you both share running? Have you asked the others what they think your job is? Others can see what you can't see.

I will ask, AlwaysChanging. It never occurred to me to ask what my job is. Thank you for suggesting it .

[Claritytoo]

I had a strange today. I have been feeling lethargic for the past two days. Not sure why. I did find out that some of my parts are mad at us for not giving them room to be out. We started a summer job so we have gotten back into the worker mode. Not as strict but also not switching as much. I got some frustrated and angry responses today when I started to ask why we have been in a fowl mood the past few days. I can't tell if some of my parts have integrated or are just far away from the front. This also annoys some of my parts. I explained we need the money so we need to work. It's only for about eight weeks and then we will be back to normal. I pushed myself to get out of the house and go by my son's. He wasn't home but we worked on the front lawn. I feel good about that. We also stopped and picked up some shorts and shirts for my grandsons as well as a few shirts and socks for us. Stuff we needed. I am feeling better this evening and should be fine for work in the morning. Just wanted to tell this to someone.

[Kiya]

It is hard to tease out "what IS me, what isn't" - and more and more layers... some times I wonder if I am just an empty shell, waiting to be filled by an alter. we all made books (journals) with collages and they all HANDED me pictures; "here you like this"... I do? "And this"... so I was handed pictures of coffee drinks and chocolate and palm trees.... please tell me I am more than just those three things....

Originally Posted by Lexa2526

Another day, another alter. I had the pleasure of meeting another alter in our system today. His name is Chase. He's our athlete, and boy was he pissed at me for not exercising last week. In my defense, I wasn't around last week much. Meeting him is bittersweet. On one hand, I'm glad to know I have someone in here whose concerned about keeping us on track physically. On the other hand, I'm a little...upset. It makes me wonder which part is actually ME, the host. Who am I, alters aside? Am I just a sum of them all? I thought atleast running is me. It turns out that's Chase's thing. So what exactly is MY thing?

Doubts aside, I'm glad to have met another member of the system.

[Kiya]

Glad to "listen"! sometimes hard to know what needs our internals have. or we have... and how to meet them.

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I had a strange today. I have been feeling lethargic for the past two days. Not sure why. I did find out that some of my parts are mad at us for not giving them room to be out. We started a summer job so we have gotten back into the worker mode. Not as strict but also not switching as much. I got some frustrated and angry responses today when I started to ask why we have been in a fowl mood the past few days. I can't tell if some of my parts have integrated or are just far away from the front. This also annoys some of my parts. I explained we need the money so we need to work. It's only for about eight weeks and then we will be back to normal. I pushed myself to get out of the house and go by my son's. He wasn't home but we worked on the front lawn. I feel good about that. We also stopped and picked up some shorts and shirts for my grandsons as well as a few shirts and socks for us. Stuff we needed. I am feeling better this evening and should be fine for work in the morning. Just wanted to tell this to someone.

Originally Posted by Kiya

It is hard to tease out "what IS me, what isn't" - and more and more layers... some times I wonder if I am just an empty shell, waiting to be filled by an alter. we all made books (journals) with collages and they all HANDED me pictures; "here you like this"... I do? "And this"... so I was handed pictures of coffee drinks and chocolate and palm trees.... please tell me I am more than just those three things....

I know this feeling too well, it went away though once I discovered that there is no "central me", that we are all alters with no host, co-conscience, and that we switched seamlessly many times a day. I'm just grateful that there isn't any real amnesiac barrier, just major memory problems, like missing time. I've just ignored it all these years not realizing that it was a symptom of a condition.

[Willowtrees]

Hey you guys. Big update. My mom is going to take me in until i get to #10 on my transitional housing list (will take between 4-10 weeks). As soon as i get my plastic id in the mail she is going to greyhound me down there. She says she wants to make up for all of the times birthname (and she said birthname instead of me, it was an acknowledgement) wanted her attention as a kid and didnt get it, she says she feels she cant be a good mom if she allows me to be on the streets. It feels sincere because she really has improved in the last 2 years, but especially this year, on the mom front. Im looking forward to the "vacation".