confusion and dissociating

I have years of my childhood where I remember very very little. Can't name any of my teachers from grades 2-6, etc. I know there was a lot of trauma and I assume I was dissociated a lot. Now, as an adult, I space out a lot and have gotten "confused" during T sessions to the point where I can't stay in the discussion cognitively because I can't follow it. Anyone else get confused?

that happens to me allot. i always ask. after a long pause of several minutes in never never land.... can you please repeat the question. its like i get all mixed up to the point of not even remembering what was asked. who knows whats going on up there. i get so embarrassed. now that i think about it.. i wonder if this is a normal thing.

I'm glad you have a T to work through this with him. DID complicates your life more and more as you age... the coping mechanisms that worked don't anymore... hang in there... you can find ways to compensate (I hear plenty of notes help)

(((safe hug)))

I get confused to. My T can look at me and tell that I am switching. I also have a look when I am confused she brings the others out to see what they have to say. She always gives me the last 10-15 minutes for myself.......I remember very little from my childhood, early teens and young adult......
Altheia

Wouldnt the confusion be a sign of dissociation? Sorry .. hope this isnt a hijack.

I believe it is a form of dissociating. I've been workng on this and trying to notice when it happens. I think that sometimes my confusion is the first step toward dissociating (which I used to call "checking out"). If it gets caught before I really space out, like if someone calls me on it just as its happening, then its confusion because I'm still here, but not here and trying like hell to be cognitively aware of the conversation but unable to pull myself back in time. I'm somewher between here and there, wherever there is!

I so agree with your personal explanation of the confusion...somewhere in between the present and dissociation. That IS confusing.

The great thing is...YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS. I did this for years with no, zero, nada, awareness that I was on my way "out". How awesome. It's a good step to "scheduling" good dissociation and therapeutic dissociation, I think.

I've recently found that good, scheduled dissociation can be an AMAZING tool to manage...

Good question and observance!

KD

im just wondering out of curiosity...when you begin to switch...is it you just standing (or sitting) there silently looking confused....or does each of your alters who want to come out have a "battle" out loud and who is ever the strongest at that time..wins and comes out all the way??? I hope im not confusing...whats it feel like when your confused?Really scary or like oh im confused....what again?

Kimmydawn,
I've only just become aware of it because my T has been zeroing in on it. He has been helping me to become aware. What is the difference between good schedule dissociation and therapeutic dissociation? I'm not sure i follow you. Do you mean that therapeutic dissociation is when i notice I am confused?

Inny,

I don't have any alters that I am aware of and have not been diagnosed with DID. However, I assume my confusion and dissociation are remnants of PTSD and a very traumatic childhood. It is my understanding that you can have dissociation without DID. The dissociating that I have done was begun when I was a llittle kid as a coping mechanism when abuse made situations impossible to face. The funny thing is, I always thought I had some kid of ADD and never realized until recently that what I was doing was a form of dissociation. And my husband said that he always thougt that I was figuring out something important when I "left" in the middle of a conversation. I could laugh and cry simultaneously at this but mostly cry. It is so very hard to try to stay present in the moment. It causes great anxiety. But I'm workin on it!

Sister

Sister,

Yes, scheduled dissociation and planning it in a therapy session were hard for me to grasp as well. This was something I had no control over and couldn't imagine controlling...I simply could not comprehend the possibility or what it might look like.

Planned dissociation in therapy was KEY to my healing and working through trauma there. I literally had to trigger myself there to do it. Tough stuff but so worth it.

Scheduled dissociation at home is KEY to maintaining my unplanned checking out and allowing the parts of my mind to rest and interact with the world. Of course, nothing could've, or could, prevent the checking out that occurs with traumatic (perceived or real) events now, but it WAY cut back on the amount of checking out as well as the length I was gone.

I do this by finding a "mindless" game online and zoning into it....totally resting and going away. I also do paint by number, puzzles, etc. All the parts of this mind find a peace in these things and it feels like all of me is present to participate and rest. It's a very cool feeling. It breaks down the dissociative barriers for a while. From this place I can feel all of me and be in touch with all of me...at a time where the world is "safe" if just for a moment.

Again, these things were key to the healing that's taken place here.

KD

Kimmydawn,

Thanks for the explanatinon. I'm still confused about the planned dissociatin in therapy. I like the idea of scheduled dissociation at home, engaging your mind in something all parts can participate in whle "resting." I might try that, it's good idea. When I am in therapy I dont' plan to dissociate, it happens, but my theapist is trying to get me to notice it which i have begun checking out. Now he wants me to be able to tell him what I need from him when I am confused. (Like if he should continue talking or I need him to be quiet). That will be a big step because it requires presence of mind to some degree. I'll just keep working on it.

Sister

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kimmydawn said:
Yes, scheduled dissociation and planning it in a therapy session were hard for me to grasp as well. KD

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Are you talking about letting yourself be far away so you can talk about something hard?

...just ....



Have I mentioned that I love PC? I'm making sense to me more and more all the time!

Yep, EV...placing myself far back so that hard stuff can be talked about while I'm at a safe distance. it's tough because then discussion is limited.

Another thing I did was took the craft I would do at home so all of me could be present while t brought up a planned topic. Whew, fireworks....and "I" got to watch. Also, music was used to reach the inner children.

We're creative ppl's and have to be creative in moving forward in understanding ourselves.

KD

Do you mean you would do something like knitting whle at therapy? I never know what to do with my hands......

its funny. i always thought that i would be calmer if I could paint or something during session. I think thats sorta the same thing huh.

Yeah, it's really cool.

For instance, I would take the etching stuff (for kids and adults) and sit on the floor while we "chatted", then we'd get a bit heavier and LOTS happened that was good for me and telling for t. Most of all, it created a huge healing here as time went on.

See, I would go away to a safe distance while different parts were present at one time...

Love,

KD

I'll add...

We needed to do this because I was too rigid and self-defensive. I couldn't get anywhere past the surface. Also, I had a HUGE issue with t looking at me because I knew that I could pause, act odd, stare off, etc. So, he tried not to look at me until I was "safe somewhere" then he was free to look at me while "we" interacted with him.

Kd

Interesting thread and very useful.

When I first started therapy there were many sessions that I walked away from that I couldn't remember what we had just discussed.

T added in coping strats, safe place work and gradually I found I could stick around and actually hear what T was saying.

The coping strats then become more automatic and I'm able to be more aware of what's going on in therapy and my own system.

hmm this is getting more helpful by the day. Yesterday I was able to stay in therapy the whole session. I felt very grounded. We were talking about feeling/not feelng safe. I was able to remember the session. This is not typical but I wonder if the talk about safety is part of it.

wow thats great, sister!

I also told my therapist that it was kinda distressing when I got disoriented in session. I think we will talk about it tomorrow.

esther,

I'm so glad you told your t and will continue the discussion. It does get easier, although I still have lots I haven't mentioned yet Good luck tomorrow.

WOW and GREAT, y'all!

I know how hard it is to talk about what keeps us safe, but is confusing at the same time. We don't want to talk about our "secret", afraid it might not help us when we need it, but also, do you have a really hard time finding words to explain??? WHEW. That was the toughest for me!

I'm so proud of y'all. I remember the place you're at and you're much braver than I was...

KUDOS.

KD

Oh finding the words is the hardest part and Im not even an nth of the way into this topic but at least it has begun. I was trying to explain why I felt unsafe at certain time when all of my family is at home, like on Saturday mornings. (too much action for me, 3 sons & husband). Had a very difficult time describing how I felt.