[TheFuZZieONE]

Well I was tired all day today. Mostly because I was up late last night posting on this forum and updating my profile. To top it off I had to drive all the way to Santa Monica for a CT scan (I'm from Rancho Cucamonga). That's a 57 mile drive in Los Angeles traffic. I wasn't listening to the radio while I was driving, and between the lull of driving and my tiredness, I found myself in a trance like state. For whatever reason I felt compelled to go to El Pollo Loco, but not the one on the way to my house. I actually passed the one by my house and drove out of my way to an El Pollo Loco that was farther. In my trance like state I sat in the parking lot for two hours before I got any food. I'm not exactly sure why I was there for two hours. It felt like there was a reason, but I just couldn't figure out what that reason was. Then a phone call pulled me from my trance and I felt wide awake. I got some food and drove home.

Now I know this isn't really that big of a deal. I'm sure that happens to a lot of people in this forum, but it's not something that happens to me a lot. I don't think I actually switched personalities completely, but I was in an ultra disassociated state. I had responsibilities too. I was supposed to go home and take care of my child. My DID symptoms have been all around getting stronger, and it's a little scary. I think I had a mild form of DID all of my life, but recently the alters are getting stronger and smarter. I've always been able to work and be responsible, but I'm afraid this disorder may rob me of my livelihood if it keeps getting worse. My personal relationships were one thing, but my ability to work and take care of my family is a whole other dynamic that I don't want affected by my issues.

Someone in this forum told me about co-hosting, which sounds the best to me. It would be nice to be able to have conversations with my alters, but we are never awake at the same time. She is awake when I'm asleep. All I get are small flashes of memories of things I said or did in an altered state. This makes it hard for me to communicate with them. I was able to bring my alter out on command by meditating a few weeks ago, but there was no one around to talk to her. This Friday I have an appointment with a new therapist who deals with regression and hypnotherapy. My hope is that this therapist can hypnotize my alter awake and she can talk some sense in to her. I would like to make a truce with my sinister alter so we don't have to fight anymore. I'm sure sick of fighting with her. I think she is mad at my for calling her a sociopath last night. I think that may be why she brought me to El Pollo Loco and had me sit there for two hours. She might have been trying to play a trick on me or something in an attempt to get back at me.

Just an FYI I'm an extremely paranoid person, and that's in part due to having a sinister alter personality who enjoys hurting me. I take two steps forward, and she pushes me three steps back. She is constantly sabotaging my attempts to get help for my DID, and she is in cahoots with the people I believe are actively stalking me. And they are stalking me because SHE told them to stalk me. I will not get into that story on this forum because this isn't about that. I'm here to make friends and discuss my issues with DID with people who understand! So far, I've gotten a few good ideas. I keep hearing I should try and talk to my alter, but since I don't co-host, I don't know how. Anyone have any ideas about how someone who doesn't co-host can communicate with their alters? Any ideas are worthy in my book. Even if I can't use them, I can tweak them so they work for me.

Again, thank you to everyone who is taking time out of their busy day to read this. And thank you for accepting me into the group.

Love and Blessings,

Jen

Oh babe I feel for you, to be fighting yourself to live a functionable life. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist here soon.

Have you tried taking a notebook and writing what you want the other to know or ask and let the other answer back on it? I also did auto handwriting, which is wild to see your hand writing with out any real effort. I've been doing it for years it's easy now.

Co-conscience is I'm aware of my alters. I'm aware of what's happening but as a different person. It's like a carnival ride. Everything is on automatic. Sometimes I'm missing time. New memories disappear into the darkness.

I have alters that keeps my bad alters in check. They are like guards. I told you about Angry Man, I got the guards tipsy and they failed.

Check this out:

Alter - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociation and Trauma Disorders

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Oh babe I feel for you, to be fighting yourself to live a functionable life. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist here soon.

Have you tried taking a notebook and writing what you want the other to know or ask and let the other answer back on it? I also did auto handwriting, which is wild to see your hand writing with out any real effort. I've been doing it for years it's easy now.

Co-conscience is I'm aware of my alters. I'm aware of what's happening but as a different person. It's like a carnival ride. Everything is on automatic. Sometimes I'm missing time. New memories disappear into the darkness.

I have alters that keeps my bad alters in check. They are like guards. I told you about Angry Man, I got the guards tipsy and they failed.

Check this out:

Alter - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociation and Trauma Disorders

Alwayschanging2,

Thank you so much for the link! The funny thing about it is I recently purchased a book on DID and was reading about the different types of alters. It was very enlightening to find I had most of the alters, but in fragmented forms.

I have an emotional alter who is extremely emo and suicidal. All this girl does is cry. She has the world on her shoulders.

I have the funny alter with self defeating humor and is very sarcastic

I have the angry alter who yells and screams until she gets her way. She just wants to be heard it seems like.

I have an alter who acts out sexually. Its as if I put my whole sexuality into another person. She puts herself in the same situations where she can get hurt. She will sleep with strangers at bars. I've been with more men I care to admit to, and can't tell you why. Its like I'm on repeat, doing the same things like a broken record. I've spent considerable time talking about this girl because it's the one who is dangerous.

I have an higher self who seems to have the ability too see into the hearts of all my alters. She is pure and a good person.

Then I have an alter obsessed with ruining my life. She is the one who talks every night.

As I mentioned some of these beings are fragments and seem to latch on to my host personality. It almost seems like I'm possessed by them. They seem to have the ability to completely take over when I've been drinking. Sometimes only one drink will cause a blackout followed by very strange and inappropriate behavior. That's why I quit drinking. The one who takes over when I'm asleep seems to be the strongest.

I'm not sure if I have full blown DID since my symptoms aren't as severe as other peoples, but there is something very strange going on inside my head, and DID seems to make the most sense. I'm a Christian and believe in demon possession, but I know I'm not possessed because I can go to church and read the bible without incident. Maybe its just an interesting form of PTSD I have.

My theory is a very lonely childhood with severe neglect had me retreate to inside my head. That's when my personality started to split. The trauma which happened at 18, and the three years of emotional abuse which happened after, caused it to worsen. It wasn't until the last two traumas that I really started to notice my behavior get strange. I know everything you read says DID starts in early childhood, but that's not the case with me. I don't fit neatly into any category, and that makes it hard to figure out what's wrong with me.

I'm starting to become disinherited by this whole thing. Maybe I don't have DID. Maybe I'm wrong and have something else. And I can't fix myself until I figure out what's wrong.

I'm starting to become disinherited by this whole thing. Maybe I don't have DID. Maybe I'm wrong and have something else. And I can't fix myself until I figure out what's wrong.

I hear ya hun. I've known since I was a teenager, and here I am in my forties. Ignorance is bliss, but my entire life has been a nightmare. I know I'm in the dissociative spectrum which is good enuff for me. I'd almost accuse my head of making this up, but I've had 5-8 emotional breakdowns, crying screaming suicidal, the whole 9 yards. But in the middle of each, a soothing voice would say "it's going to be all right", then I would just melt. The reason I was crying would disappear, forgetting the reason. I'd be wiping my eyes wondering why I was crying in the first place laughing about it and feeling at peace. Complete change of attitude, personality. I have no idea to explain it. Today, I can't recall why exactly I was having these breaks, just vague might be's.

Also my sexy alter would come out and dress up and just love on my lover which really loved it. It was so not me, but it was fun!. I've got too many incidents against it not being real.