whose there?

how do i know if it is her or me? she is the one who alwasy wants to die. but i am the one thinking these thoughts, typing them out. i dont feel connected to myself. i feel like i am encapulated and operating this body like a puppeteer. i feel like i have a secret. i feel like i should teell cause secrets are bad. secretsarebad. but i cant tell. i cant say a word. bad things will happen to me. how many are here? yes we keep the secret. no one will ever know.

Kali, I am here. I am listening. Have you emailed your therapist? Did you take your meds?

Are you feeling exhausted? Sometimes sleep is what brings me back.

I will be here till midnight EST. Just let me know what's happening.

Having been dxed since 2006, I can look back now - to like 2003 and see that I, the one who THOUGHT I was thinking those thoughts and thinking I was going crazy, was really - like you said- the mere puppet being moved... and for me, being thought THROUGH. Not realizing at the time what was going on and not knowing that the other internals could "use" me or channel?? through me, I thought those thoughts of wanting to die were mine. Later I learned that they weren't mine - but having one brain that we all share, it seems like it.
Make any sense?
Not saying this is true for you or trying to tell you your experience, but maybe knowing mine will help some....
hugs

i can relate to this. i experience that a lot where i feel so entangled with another that none of us know who we are. i sometimes do not know what thoughts or feelings are mine because we become each other.

Wow. What you guys spoke about "channeling" and "being used like a puppet" hit really close to home for me. I also feel like I'm being controlled by an internal force sometimes. I'll go places because I feel compelled to go, but I won't know the reason why. Then later I'll figure out its because another personality made me go there for purpose XYZ. It feels like a one sided co conscious type deal. One personality can read my mind and control me, but I can't read the other personalitie's mind or control it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this type of experience. seriously, thank you!

We're so sorry Kali,

I too have kept this a secret for so long. This is about the only place that I can express it which has made me loosen up about it enough to ask for help from a professional, which wasn't easy because I've always been a secret closed book. But by reading everyone's experiences, I don't know now.

As I got it figured, the mind is dissociated at birth, meaning it started in parts. Trauma prevents the mind from integrating which means the un-integrated parts develop into its own personality. I don't know why some are aware (co-conscience) and some are not, that's a whole new level of know that I'm not even qualified to speculate about.

I too have noticed that at times I feel like I'm running on automatic, just watching and not behaving the way that I normally do. I know this disconnected feeling to be co-hosting, that is, another alter is up front controlling the body. I'm so used to it though, it only seems natural to me. We are also mentally talking to each other and others. When the other alter does take over completely, their head voice takes over the thinking becoming our head voice. This is how it is for each alter.

So I guess what I'm saying is that there really isn't a "me" per say. We are the sum of all our parts, so feeling disconnected is part of all this.

The host alter is up front the most, but I don't feel like I have one right now because I'm constantly switching between alters and fragments, thoughts influencing other thoughts, voices constantly changing.

My "bad" alters are under guard, or I call it jail. They are the ones that want to hurt, abuse, and destroy us.

Not everyone's system is the same. I've got alters of alters and fragments of everyone.

I hope this gives you some insight because this is my best guess so far!