[wanttoheal]

I have had awareness in the last couple days of the lack of support I have in my real, physical life. My T has said it before but I just didn't get it. I didn't understand.

I am slowly getting it now. I don't have anyone in real life outside of T. And it's because of me, my fear of people. Keeping secrets all my life has made it difficult to even know how to begin to allow people to get close enough to even know I need support.

Everyone thinks I have it altogether. I portray that on the outside and even when I am not able to, another part of my brain steps forward and continues on. But when I come back, all I feel is... well, gosh, I don't even know what I feel. But it hurts.

I don't know that I would know what to do if someone were to come over and just sit quietly with me. What if someone were to invite me over to hang with them? What if someone brought me dinner because I was struggling so much. I don't know that I could accept it. I don't know that I would know how to accept it. No one is knocking at my door to come in so there's no worry of having to deal with that. But the awareness is coming that maybe I need it? I don't know.

People scare me. Parents scare me. Life scares me. And because of that, I end up checking out more than I am here. And because of that, I am not able to figure out how to get real life support. And because of that, I often don't know how to support other people.

I'm at a loss. My plate is too full and it's starting to spill over. Right beside it is the pit that I am sinking into. And I don't know how to get the support that it appears I am becoming aware that I need.

[bipolar_bear]

I can understand how you feel as I don't really have anyone outside of T. I don't know how to get a "real" friend instead of co-workers or acquaintences. I am open to any and all suggestions. I too am very shy when it comes to social situations outside of work. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Take care.

BB

[ShadowsinTheDay]

Ya Wantaheal, but many people are like your situation. More then anyone will ever know.

ShadowsinTheDay

((( wantto )))

Look how far you have come, just by reaching out here and making friends. It will happen IRL. It takes time. But just you becoming aware of the need is major.

Do you think you could see yourself in a group therapy setting or maybe an Al-Anon meeting? I know how difficult it would be, but it would also put you in the middle of people who totally understand what you're going through.

I know it's scary. Uncomfortable. Did I say scary?

The first step is the hardest. I would go with you if I could.

[January]

(((((((( Wantto )))))))

I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to be alone in a huge, and crowded place. I do know you are a wonderful person and a special friend. You are such a worthy person.

Hugs,

Jan

[wanttoheal]

(((((((bipolar_bear))))))))))
Thank you for responding. I'm sorry that you struggle with this as well. It's a hard realization, isn't it.

[wanttoheal]

Hey Shadow, thanks for responding. For sure you are right. No sense whining about it I guess.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((Petunia))))))))))
Thank you so much. I'm so thankful to have met people on here.

Real life... that feels like an impossible feat at the moment.
T and I talked about it again today. I hope eventually I will be able to go to something like that. The thought terrifies me to the point of not being able to do much at the moment. But I think I am getting stronger, albeit slowly. Hopefully one day.

Thank you so much for your support Petunia. It would be awesome to go with you. Perhaps one day I will get to where I can do that. Scary. Yea, that is somewhat of a simple word for the fear we have sometimes, huh.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((January))))))))))) I'm sorry you know how that feels. Thank you for your support. I appreciate you very much.

I know exactly what you are going through and this is why I isolate myself so much. Scared of everything thats not in my little bubble is what does it to me.

Sorry its so hard right now.

[ShadowsinTheDay]

It's not winning. It's letting out your feelings. . Felings are there for a reason. Feelings help you deal with stuff. If you lock up yur feelings, then they will turn into a onster, that could ruin your life and others.

I'm sorry, didn't mean it like the winning thing. I ment that there are others that are h*rting as much as you, and so you are not alone. . That is why there are T's, to help people. Everyone has to get there feelings out, and if people really bealved they wre just winning (Like the culture) then people wouldn't have any T's.
Sorry again.

TC.

ShadowsinTheDay

[wanttoheal]

Thank you (((((((((((Rainbowzz)))))))))) I'm sorry you are dealing with similar. As we get stronger and more aware, hopefully this will also get better.

[wanttoheal]

Hey ((((((((((Shadows))))))))))) No offense taken. Thanks for explaining yourself more. I struggle with feelings, having them and recognizing them. I'm very thankful for my T though. She is teaching me. Take care.