[Samanthaq]

My sister says I shouldn't be terribly concerned and that it is a kind of venting, me, I'm somewhat concerned.

For years when things got to be too much I'd go places, just shutdown for a while and visit in my mind places I liked and had been before. I'd sit atop some rocks in the woods and watch the clouds roll by, and so forth. Meditating as it were. For many, many years I had a conscious fracture who stood between me and the outside world to act as a buffer. I suffered serious abuse as a child starting at age two, and two events, that I now remember in a level of detail I wish I didn't.

Fast forward many years, my alter finally shorted out and died protecting me, which means I'm left trying to find new ways to live. I still go places, and while some of my sacred special places, real places are still there to me, still available, I've been going to a new one that scares me a bit.

I'm a Stargate Fan, a pretty big one. I've also got a pretty powerful and vivid imagination, always have, and since I'm still in ways five, it makes going places easy. I've even gone through the gate and visited other worlds, just to see what gate travel was like.

Of late however, right at this moment even, while I'm in my bedroom sitting in bed writing this, I'm also in the gate room. For those who've seen the show, picture the gate room, all the blast doors closed, base power off, iris open, outgoing wormhole connected and the only light in the room from the event horizon. I'm just standing there playing with the event horizon, locked in the gate room all alone, my only way out through the gate. No gdo, no radio, nada.

For those who've never seen the show, in simple terms, it is a huge concrete and steel box buried 28 floors below ground, and when sealed off is like being buried alive. The only way out is to go to another planet entirely, but I have no idea what planet since I didn't connect the gate. I suspect I know which one, but that isn't important, it just ISN'T this one.

So I'm just standing there, or at times sitting there, all alone. I'm literally in both places at once, and sometimes I feel like if I just step through I'll disappear and end on another world in a life so much better than this one. It makes wandering intentionally so much harder, because I get confused sometimes, will I be able to get back? Which one is real?

Sometimes it is amazingly peaceful, and having grown up with the ever present hum of the Enterprise Engines in the background to now have the gate instead is interesting and cool. It started out that I'd intentionally lock myself in the gate room with an open wormhole to meditate (Kel no'reem) as a way to help myself focus, but now, well it is something else.

I mean I KNOW that the gate is a fictional device, the gate room an equally fictional place, and so forth, but it all feels and seems as real as this one does. I feel like I'm stuck. I can walk up and down the ramp, hearing the sound of my feet hitting the steel decking, I can run my hands over the walls, bang on the walls and blast doors and so forth. I just don't want to step through the gate now because I'm afraid I cannot or will not come back, and well life here isn't anything to write home about. In fact, it is about as much fun and as much use as being stuck in the sealed gate room with no power, all alone.

What's got me worried is this is going on real-time, concurrently. . .

So, yeah, there is this very real part of me that knows it's all just dissociative venting, protecting myself from the stress in my life, but there's also my heart. My heart in so many ways is still five, tired of being blown off, and doesn't have to deal with the passage of time locked away in the gate room.

So I've just replaced one kind of closet with another, and am now stuck dealing with both. No small wonder I'm starting to have physical impacts that I didn't when I had a conscious fracture.

Carrie Underwood is singing "Wasted" on my Sirius Radio now, and I feel like it's been four plus decades just like that. Isn't is Ironic?

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I know as humans we have the ability to escape in many different ways with in our imagination..... and with DID it only makes that escape more real to us when we feel it is needed - stay safe and hang in there.

[Evangelista]

What you are describing is known by DID therapists..I hope you have shared this with your therapist, if you are under the care of one..the mind is wonderous and creative in the face of overwhelming emotions, memories, if it is survivable, mechanisms can be brought forth in the ways that to many would be "unimaginable"...

I have experienced the duality states you are sharing, and professionals have told me it is apart of the dissociative experiences for some..it is scarey, but not at the time, afterwards disorientation may occur, dizziness, numbness as you reground in your enviroment on a "one to one", instead of the duality.

Mine started in childhood when I would disappear into a wall in my bedroom, I had drawn a place some part of me would be safe and untouched, it had trees, mountains, a whole world would come alive, while my body died over and over again here..my mind would florish in this other place, where it could develop and maintain it's own reality.

I hope that you find comfort in knowing your not alone in the process your describing, from what I know about DID is that we tend to be able to get lost more in books, movies, etc, by the dissociative mechanisms...

I hope for you peace and comfort..

[Samanthaq]

Well I did talk with my therapist about this, and after she got past being slightly jealous she suggested that when I was ready like Sam Carter on the show, I'd find a way. You see, my therapist is a huge fan of both shows too, so me having access to the gateroom had her slightly envious, go figure.

I'm out of the gateroom now, still on the base, figured out that I need to dig into the base mainframe to find missing pieces of me and re-integrate them. Yeah, like that is going to be easy. Right now I'm in the infirmary "resting" after being stuck in the gateroom so long.

Yeah, I'm used to DID, this was just a new twist to things for me and it had me unsettled. Still does some. Frankly I'd just like to know when I can stop, quit the fighting, and get a little peace and rest?

So on I go . . .

Yeah, books have always been an amazing and blessed escape. And while I never thought about it as such, yeah "coming back" can be, and usually is, highly disorienting.

Too many things to be dealing with while trying to heal, no small wonder I'm coming apart at the seems. Hey, at least I haven't started cutting again, so I'm holding this hill as they say in those old war movies.

I just keep asking the same questions? Like why keep fighting? Don't I get some time off for being a good girl? Don't I get a little space and peace to actually heal some now that we KNOW whats "wrong" and even why? I jump, I duck and cover, I fight night and day, day and night and try to take another step. I get my feet under me and then they are hitting me again, hurting me, pushing, throwing big rocks at me and all I ever said was; "Wait, What? Slow down a minute so I can catch up! Please, I need . . ."

Wow, how to be public enemy number one in under a nanosecond flat . . .

Dare to ask for something more, like a hug and forget it, then the excrement REALLY hits the oscillator! I know, I made that mistake too. . .

I saw this movie once, with Sandra Bullock, I think it was called 28 days. I don't want to wind up like her roommate. Hospitalized long enough to play the game, jump through the hoops a little longer, so that I get just enough control back in my life to do what needs to be done. I'm NOT planning on leaving now, heck not now, my sister is coming down in July from Alaska, it'll be the first time we'll be in the same state in almost twenty years. I talk to her constantly, but not the same. We spent four hours on the phone today alone . . .

Anyway, so that's where I am . . . In pain and fighting the good fight. I just don't know why. . .

[Crystal88]

Im confused I thought alters from DID don't die and can't be killed or made to go away. I think I will talk to my therapist about this because thats scarey. I don't want a part of me to die. it a part of me dies then doesn't that mean that I die too, like my brain cells that worked as that alter die? weird and scarey. My therapist has worked in the field of DID for 25 years or more so hopefully she will know what this dieing alters is about and whether or not I will die too.

[Crystal88]

I can now relax. My counselor and I have had a few very long conversations about how DID is created and what alters are and that alters do not die and why it is impossible to have alters that would die. For one thing they may be alters but its my body. the only way they will die is if I die. My alters can't die and my still remain alive and I cant die and my alters still remain alive because my alters are just a part of me. She said my alters are just the memories that were too hard for me to handle or understand when I was a child. She also said that when integration happens all thats going to happen is that I will be able to remember and fully experience the emotions that are with those memories. She also said that integration is like my being able to remember seeing my counselor and having the conversations with my counselor. I remember what we talked about because that memory isn't shut off away from me because of abuse surrounding our sessions. I will remember what happened to me and then just like my being able to remember my therapy sessions I will always be able to remember what happened and that at one time that memory had been split up into pieces but now the memory is one whole memory. she also showed me in some books what she was talking about and drew pictures of how the brain works and stores memories. I feel so much better now.

[Samanthaq]

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Crystal88 said:
Im confused I thought alters from DID don't die and can't be killed or made to go away. I think I will talk to my therapist about this because thats scarey. I don't want a part of me to die. it a part of me dies then doesn't that mean that I die too, like my brain cells that worked as that alter die? weird and scarey. My therapist has worked in the field of DID for 25 years or more so hopefully she will know what this dieing alters is about and whether or not I will die too.

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You know, I honestly don't know, I'm not a therapist. I'm sorry if I confused and / or frightened you Crystal, was NOT my intent or wish.

I do know that the one person who stood between me and the world for so long is long gone. With him some abilities and capabilities I wouldn't mind having. He also had his own hopes, wishes, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes, he was in so many ways a different person. I feel like I have suffered a great loss, more over, so do many of my friends and family.

Admittedly my situation is a bit different because I had what is called a conscious fracture. Basically I did it purposely and with careful thought, I created this person, built him from pieces and role models around me all those years ago. Once he was fairly complete, and designed to learn and grow, not need an supervision I left. Wasn't till many, many year later that I felt safe enough, far enough away from my abuser and my past, that I could start to venture out.

Over time, because I hadn't learned how to avoid anything, how to truly protect myself, I wound up in almost exactly the same situation. The problem was this time there was a deep emotional involvement, and that just screwed everything up. "He" died taking most of the damage and buying me time.

My therapist has assured me that "he" is not really dead, that he's just parts of me that I cannot deal with right now. Eventually she says I'll be able to re-integrate those pieces, but until then, when I've healed some more, and rested more, they are lost to me. So, perhaps I misspoke, or wasn't entirely clear, but to me, from my perspective it feels like he died.

Me, I feel like I've suffered a great loss, a brother basically in many respects. I feel guilt. He was a soldier, always on duty, never had a day off, was always protecting me and basically "took a bullet" for me. Yeah, so I'm a bit of a drama queen I guess, I've been called worse. Fact remains, he was a duck, water just rolled off his back, me, I'm drowning.

[Evangelista]

Samantha I am sorry you are in such pain, and do hope that your therapist continues to offer you guidance, insight, and support.

Maybe one day, there will be a chance for peace, to rest, to feel accepted, and to not have to fight for the right to be whole, until then may hope be your guiding light...as it whispers softly to hold on.."for the me yet to be"..

At least that is what hope sounds like to us sometimes, during the dark hours..

take care and be well..

[January]

((((((((((( Samantha )))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[Crystal88]

Thats ok samantha I just paniced. I keep forgetting to read things slowly here and not get upset when I find something scarey before taking it to my therapist. but my therapist has explained to me that my alters are not going to die and neither am I so I feellots better. thanks