Realized that the one thing I love is My Trigger...

I don't even know how to start this... I sit alone in the work bathroom crying my eyes out. Someone innocently mentioned crying children today. That... That got this hurtful ball rolling. I hate it when children cry, I said. It's triggering, I said... It's triggering. I never realized that before... All I knew was that the word "mummy" had me triggered seven ways from sunday... Crying children. I realized I can't handle crying children. The last times I heard a crying, screaming child I couldn't move. I sat rooted to the spot, fighting for breath, listening to my own child-like cries in my head, hearing my little alters cry and scream in response. I hear them now. We're crying... Children-a family- of my own is all I have ever wanted. Imagining a child of my own to raise better than I was raised was everything to me. They drove my every decision-eat healthy to set a good example, exercise to set a good example, read more to set a good example for when they come. Draw better so you can teach them to draw, too. Write happier stories to share with them. My love for kids- my desire to have a child of my own is what has me going through each day. The last time I crashed, they were my reason to get up, dust myself off, and live another day, and another and another... I can't have them. How can I? How can I when hearing a crying child, when seeing one in my head does this to me? It leaves me rooted to the spot, hyperventilating, fighting my own battles, hearing my own screams, seeing me as a child screaming, crying. No child deserves a mother that can't be there for them when they need comfort! No child. I know that. My mother couldn't comfort me when I needed it. It's not fair on my child... I can't have them. I shouldn't. Where does that leave me? My reason for going through each day has been snatched away. A child deserves a better parent than I would be. I can't handle myself when they cry. How can I handle them? How can I when the word "mummy" has me shaking like a leaf???
I'm so scared. I hurt sooo much. I don't have a reason to keep going. My only reason has slipped away. I can't say to myself I still want a family. Not after what I've just realised. I can't lie to myself to that extent... I can't.

I want to be numb again. I can't handle this feeling. I need my numbness back. Please. I want to be numb again. Please wall of numbness... Come back. Come back...I'm scared...I don't know what to live for.. I don't know...

((((Yez))))

I really hope you don't mind me saying this - but to me it seems like you just got one step closer to creating that family. This realisation means you can now go to T with something concrete and measurable to work on. From the way you look after your little ones, you are clearly an excellent mother already - nothing like the mother you sadly had. Your T will help you find a way to comfort you, the way you do your littles, and I am 100% confident you will reach a stage where having children will be the natural next step for you.

((((((((((( Yezeena ))))))))))))

A rough patch that will pass maybe a memory or flashback of something your going through. Try to find out which alter isn't tolerate to a child crying if that is the case. I say that because are you this way 100% when a child cries? If the answer is no, then you are having an episode that your healing from to where your feelings are emerging and it's now safe to cry about this one thing. I have done the same thing, I told my children no more wrestling until I can figure out how to be okay with what happened to me as a child, so they won't feel imprisoned from my stuff. They have to realize though, parents aren't normal we are flawed individuals even more so with what we have gone through. Crying is normal, but have a back up plan if you have a child you have to care for each day.

for me crying children (inside or out ) did not bother me until after my wife and I had children. I grew up with those with in me crying screaming, laughing, talking so for me it was just my normal to hear those sounds inside my head. I thought everyone heard voices, laughter, crying, singing, playing screaming.... in side their heads. it was only after I was diagnosed DID I began to wonder, but again since it was my normal this happening did not trigger me.

After my wife and I through a donor had a child, thats when my maternal instincts kicked in with my reacting to a childs cry. At first I couldnt figure out why this was happening, then a pediatrician explained to me that all parents in every living organiism have reactions on an instinctual level. its what enables for example a lioness or momma bear or ant, bee ...human being to protect their young and ensure the continuation of their species. The trick is to learn how to control those instincts by learning about my children and what each of their cries mean. does the cry mean I am hungry or does it mean Im in mortal danger. After that I started paying more attention to my children and learned what their cries meant, when I needed to come rescue them right away and when I could breath and take time to relax.

I waited until I was integrated before having children but I do know others who are using the same situation with their internal children with in where they are taking the time to learn about their internal children, using grounding, relaxation, learning when their internal childrens cries mean something needs to change, be done about what ever is causing the internal crying and when to just sit with that feeling by acknowledging it is happening, breath and use grounding to come back to the present moment.

maybe that can help you..continue working with your treatment providers or a treatment provider who can help you to learn the tools that you need for addressing what\who this crying internal child (children) is, why the crying and how to best help them, when to help them and when to breath and ground yourself back in the present moment, just like a parent of any species including human beings do for their out side of their bodies children.