Im in such a spin cycle - everythings piling on top of me and I can't sort my thoughts out.

For the last week I've just been all over the place. Everything has changed, but I can't understand why because really nothing has happened. Its all built up to me to kind of believing my 'memories'. Kind of. I go back and forth still but theres this background of knowing it is true even as Im arguing against it. That wasn't there until last week, and its shaken me to my core.

Some really freaky s**t is happening - not being in control of my own speech, or body. Stuff thats really overt that Im not used to happening.

My body is rebelling big style. I had flu which led to a chest infection which just is not shifting. Its triggered really bad asthma and I am struggling and squeaking and wheezing with every breath. Has been for over a week now. Ive been on nebulisers, antibiotics, and steroids. Steroids really mess with my head, and I can feel it happening again. That sliding in to hopelessness is gathering pace. Im telling myself over and over 'its just the steroids, its just the steroids. In three weeks you'll feel better'. But its not helping at all.

Because of the infection / asthma, I can't smoke weed, which I rely on heavily to control my emotions and keep me stable. Usually in situations like this I rely on alcohol to see me through until my lungs have improved, but right now my body is rejecting alcohol massively. It makes me sick even with the smallest, weakest amounts.

On top of this my T is on holiday. I don't have anyone else I can turn to. I know once I am at work tomorrow it will be easier. I will have other things to concentrate on. But in the meantime, I have no idea how I am going to get through Sunday. Hours and hours ahead of

(trigger) trying really hard not to kill myself. I so desperately want to give up. I don't want this anymore. I don't like whats behind me. I don't like whats ahead. Im tired. Im so tired.
(/trigger)

I know this is the steroids. I know I need to persevere and just hunker down for the next few weeks until the steroids wear off. But I don't even know how Im going to get through the next few hours.

Originally Posted by Justagir1

Im in such a spin cycle - everythings piling on top of me and I can't sort my thoughts out.

For the last week I've just been all over the place. Everything has changed, but I can't understand why because really nothing has happened. Its all built up to me to kind of believing my 'memories'. Kind of. I go back and forth still but theres this background of knowing it is true even as Im arguing against it. That wasn't there until last week, and its shaken me to my core.

Some really freaky s**t is happening - not being in control of my own speech, or body. Stuff thats really overt that Im not used to happening.

My body is rebelling big style. I had flu which led to a chest infection which just is not shifting. Its triggered really bad asthma and I am struggling and squeaking and wheezing with every breath. Has been for over a week now. Ive been on nebulisers, antibiotics, and steroids. Steroids really mess with my head, and I can feel it happening again. That sliding in to hopelessness is gathering pace. Im telling myself over and over 'its just the steroids, its just the steroids. In three weeks you'll feel better'. But its not helping at all.

Because of the infection / asthma, I can't smoke weed, which I rely on heavily to control my emotions and keep me stable. Usually in situations like this I rely on alcohol to see me through until my lungs have improved, but right now my body is rejecting alcohol massively. It makes me sick even with the smallest, weakest amounts.

On top of this my T is on holiday. I don't have anyone else I can turn to. I know once I am at work tomorrow it will be easier. I will have other things to concentrate on. But in the meantime, I have no idea how I am going to get through Sunday. Hours and hours ahead of

(trigger) trying really hard not to kill myself. I so desperately want to give up. I don't want this anymore. I don't like whats behind me. I don't like whats ahead. Im tired. Im so tired.
(/trigger)

I know this is the steroids. I know I need to persevere and just hunker down for the next few weeks until the steroids wear off. But I don't even know how Im going to get through the next few hours.

Hang in there, JG. One more day. Just one more day. You can do this. You've gotten through a whole week of this hell. You have it in you to get through today. How about sleeping? Do you have trouble sleeping during the day? Sleep will make the hours go by a little faster.

Whatever you do, don't give up, hun. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks Yez - really appreciate the pick me up

Unfortunately another thing to add to the pile, is that my back door lock has broken. This was friday night, and the locksmith is due round today. Thanks to my history of picking up psychopaths, I just cannot go to bed knowing the door is unlocked - so I haven't been to bed since Thursday night - just grabbing a few hours here and there on the sofa. As soon as the locksmith has been, I intend to go hibernate until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning!

Im trying to keep myself busy. Have been out foraging for stuff to make jams and chutneys with - stuff that takes hours to do, and I can 'zone out' to. The walk was nice, but its all just passing time, distractions, anything other than think about what my life has been, is, and will be. I've also started on the beer. I think its a form of SH, as I haven't had breakfast yet and I know this is gonna hurt. But if I can't smoke - I just have to do something to get rid of this blackness. I can't believe what I've become. More than that. I can't believe who I am. What my life is.

Originally Posted by Justagir1

Thanks Yez - really appreciate the pick me up

Unfortunately another thing to add to the pile, is that my back door lock has broken. This was friday night, and the locksmith is due round today. Thanks to my history of picking up psychopaths, I just cannot go to bed knowing the door is unlocked - so I haven't been to bed since Thursday night - just grabbing a few hours here and there on the sofa. As soon as the locksmith has been, I intend to go hibernate until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning!

Im trying to keep myself busy. Have been out foraging for stuff to make jams and chutneys with - stuff that takes hours to do, and I can 'zone out' to. The walk was nice, but its all just passing time, distractions, anything other than think about what my life has been, is, and will be. I've also started on the beer. I think its a form of SH, as I haven't had breakfast yet and I know this is gonna hurt. But if I can't smoke - I just have to do something to get rid of this blackness. I can't believe what I've become. More than that. I can't believe who I am. What my life is.

Hey, its great that you've found ways to keep yourself occupied. How soon before the locksmith gets there? Tell me more about your jams and chutney. Which fruit did you find for them?

You said that you can't believe what your life had become and who you have become... That I can relate to. At the back your mind, is there an image of who you were and what you wanted your life to be like?

I know there is for me. It is a guaranteed pathway to a sad day that: comparing who are and where you are to who you were and where you wished to be. On the days we're in the right mood we often think we can go back to who we were. Personally, I don't think I can. The alters disagree. You see, too much has happened to make us who we are. A lot has happened to bring us to this point. This very point we are now... I think the trick is to stop looking back to who we were and where we were. I think we should be looking at who we have become, and then accepting. Ok. This is where I am and who I am. I accept that. But, this is NOT who and where I want to remain. Envision who you want to be, where you want to be and take tiny steps toward that. It's easier said than done. Very true. However, it's not impossible. And I think it's worth the effort. It would be much better to put in all that effort to take that tiny step forward than to not take that tiny step and continue to hate who and where we are- what we've become.

I'm sorry Hun, hang on there, the calming effects of your self medication has worn off, like your mind is going from 0 to 60 in a second plus your your body is in a state of ill health. You just flat don't feel good and thinking is not a good thing. Have you tried a little wine or Nyquil?

Can you get a tranquilizer, like buspar (a light one) From a pdoc or GP?

Please take care of yourself, keep busy, and if you can...quit thinking! Sometimes I try to stare at the tv like a mindless zombie, staying out of my head. The bipolar meds help slow down the thinking. If it gets bad I'll take an anti-psychotic.

You will get better soon.

Thanks guys

Things with the locksmith did not go well. He's someone Ive used before, and has been very good to me and done lots of free work. But he's very touchy feely and so I always get quite uptight around him.

Unfortunately he couldn't fix the door, he will come back sometime during the week to fix it. This just is not something I can deal with too well. The lack of physical security - something of a trigger. I tried to pretend I was ok with it all, but just as he was leaving, he asked why I was shaking, and the tears just came. He came back in the house, and sat down and pulled me in to him, and was basically making me snuggle. I tried to be ok with it. He was trying to comfort me, trying to be nice, but it felt so wrong. When he finally got up to leave he kissed me on the lips and my head was just FREAKING. He held my chin in his hands and was making me look him in the eyes and told me I mean a lot to him.

F*** my lungs. Ive put the call in. I can't deal with any of this today.

Omg, that's so wrong of him! I'd call and cancel any future appointments and get another locksmith over to fix it now. The guys here can fix a door in 30 minutes. I've never heard of a locksmith not being able to fix a door and then leave. Just by reading this, I don't trust him even if I knew him for a bit. Touching you and kissing on the lips, what? Sexual assault on so many levels. I don't know girl about not having a locking door to keep the likes of him out. I'm scared for you. Do you have pepper spray?

Believe me, I'm not over reacting because such behavior is so violating. But a lot of it goes unreported allowing the pervs to roam free. I'd be filing a police report. Being nice and not doing so is so enabling. Who knows who else he does this to? Will he escalate and force himself on anyone? You might save yourself or another from the predator. He needs to be reported, taking advantage of a person when she's down. Bastard. I hope he catches death of the flu.

Oh sweetie, Thank you. And sorry! I didn't mean to worry you. I probably said that all wrong. But everything you've said is validating too. He really confuses me. He always has done. I even put him down on a list of things to talk to my T about!

I cannot stress enough how good he has been to me. He really has done so much free work, and the things he's charged for have been half price. He tells me he see's me as being a friend. He's said a couple of times I remind him of his sister. He has even offered me work as he knows I have financial issues. Today, he left £20 on my table for me to get some weed with - he didn't tell me he'd done that till after the kiss as he was leaving. I was so embarrassed.

But I have always felt like he was grooming me. But then I think Im being melodramatic, and he's just a nice person, being good to me, and Im not used to that and so reacting badly. I do not feel safe around him, but I am now in the position where I owe him quite a lot of money and favours and I can't afford to throw away the offer of free help with the lock, and he has been so good to me. Im very confused. I hate that he kissed me. URGH. Why today? I can't deal with this today.

P.s.
I have a cold sore at the moment. Its not obvious, so he probably didn't see it

Okay Hun, I'd just watch it. I don't care how many favors a man's done or what's owed to him, he sealed his fate with a kiss IMHO.

And ewww, you remind him of his sister? And he wants to kiss? No thank you.

Handle yourself Hun and mine me none, but just be diligent in your personal safety.

I need to learn to verbalise "don't touch me!" *sigh*. He was making me look him in the eyes. Like, physically moving my jaw to make me face him- I thought he was leaning in --- thats not right, is it? Even for a kind person?

I gave in .... can't breathe now, but at least my heads stopped spinning, and i have a box of my favourite cookies too, to see me through the night guarding the door. The old ways are still the best

I just thinking about your door. Is there something heavy that you can place against it? Perhaps a cabinet, or a cupboard. It might give you a little bit of mental relief to know that the door is sufficiently barred if not locked. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I put a cup on the handle of the door. That way, if it rattles and falls, it will alert me that someon might have tried to open the door. That might help alert you, too. Is there someone that you can trust that can come stay with you?

Take care of yourself , JG.

Hey Yez Well, I've taken the handle off (inside) and removed the bar. So I *think* the door now can't be opened from the outside. They can turn the handle, but theres nothing to turn to open the door - i hope! I've laid suitable boobytraps in front of the door just in case though .... Good plan

Also - THANK YOU for earlier. You helped so so much. I don't know why, but asking about the jams and the chutneys totally calmed me down, and I was so much calmer planning everything I was going to reply to you with, and thinking about fruit and sugar and mess and jam jars --- when the locksmith arrived. Thank you so much for getting in there with that one.

Originally Posted by Justagir1

Hey Yez Well, I've taken the handle off (inside) and removed the bar. So I *think* the door now can't be opened from the outside. They can turn the handle, but theres nothing to turn to open the door - i hope! I've laid suitable boobytraps in front of the door just in case though .... Good plan

Also - THANK YOU for earlier. You helped so so much. I don't know why, but asking about the jams and the chutneys totally calmed me down, and I was so much calmer planning everything I was going to reply to you with, and thinking about fruit and sugar and mess and jam jars --- when the locksmith arrived. Thank you so much for getting in there with that one.

Hugs, JG . You're very, very welcome. I'm really pleased to hear that the distraction worked. Take care, and stay safe.