DID reject - questions

I just now realized how hard I've been avoiding this forum. Finally, at fifty years old, I told a therapist and pdoc that I have DID. They both scoffed. So, I've avoided coming here because I was avoiding another scoff. Knowing that now, I've had a talk with ourselves and we're okay with it now if that's what you folks do - we see the possibility coming and we're ready now. We weren't ready before. So here we go with our question:

I'd like opinions. Does what I am describing sound like DID to you or not. I realize that you are not psychiatrists and diagnosing over the internet is more than stupid - it's dangerous. So I'm not asking for a diagnosis, just opinions. There's actually two things I'd like to ask you all. First, does this sound like DID to you? Second, if it does, how do I reengage my therapist and pdoc on the subject since they've already rejected the idea?

I am a sexual abuse survivor. Most of the abuse happened during the ages of zero to three years old. At that point, the sexual abuse began to subside and be replaced with physical abuse. For what it's worth, the physical abuse was rather tame - as far as that goes. By age six, the primary abuse became emotional and psychological in nature.

Throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I would lose a significant amount of time regularly. We were thinking about it last night in anticipation of writing this post and got stuck trying to determine if it was daily or if she (my alter) took days off. We couldn't decide but figured sharing that would give a pretty good idea of how often. But going to sleep and waking in the morning feeling like I hadn't gotten a wink all night was common - as was finding drawings and lots of coloring. I awoke with crayons in the bed more times than I can count.

I did not become conscious of her presence until I was twenty-seven. When we met, I was inundated with memories that I hadn't remembered including, but not limited to, my mother's extensive sexual abuse.

Addendum: adding this in an edit.

One more thing. I don't enjoy socializing, my alter does to some degree. Even though we are co-conscious...hard to explain. I think of it this way: I'm usually driving the bus, but she is with me looking out the window. Occasionally she go a seat or two back and play, but she can look up and see what's going on as it interests her. When we find ourselves in a social situation though, she'll switch places and drive for a bit as I stay close enough to help with difficult subjects and toss her lines. She rarely goes to the back of the bus where she can't see or hear anything, usually just sexual encounters with my wife...can't think of much else right now, but I tell her when they're over and she'll come back up front unless she's taking a nap or something. Me, I (almost) never go to the back of the bus - like I said, only once in the last twenty-three years. I went to sleep and she took over because frankly, I needed her to and wouldn't ask.

Here however, is the twist, and the basis for the reason my therapist and pdoc (who both acknowledge that they've never seen a case of DID) rejecting DID. In the last twenty-three years, I've had one unexplained time loss. The thing is, when we met, and more importantly how we met, brokered a friendship. Over the next two years, it was all we focused on. We became a team - team us. We've been co-conscious ever since. There was one exception as I said, but it was a move generated by love and desperation - not competition.

It's this reason my pdoc has rejected DID. No loss of time - not DID. Anyway, if you have thoughts - or questions to allow me to me more clear, please share or ask. Thank you in advance.

Paragraph 3 was known about after age 27? Are you going to let what some dumb pdoc say deter you. I wouldn't allow my system to go through that again after a certain amount of unbelief. I recently, well a few months back was sharing a portion of my story with a pdoc, at the end of the session she states "this is not did". I was sent reeling after getting to what I call my 'process' moments....There was no I'm going to show you from myself or anything only what I was told since, this wasn't my first therapy sessions. It is pretty much up to you on whether you share that news or not...Where I go there has to be authorization for 45 minutes sessions for pdoc as opposed to therapist. If not each other session is 15 minutes, boy it will take several thousands sessions to make dx right? I guess you have to know how to play the role and what their agenda is. I rather not worry about since I had a therapist that was at least willing to listen and was for the most part believing me this year.

I don't normally take up for therapist, but if you have a therapist with a case load of 20 clients per week and your talking all this information maybe it got lost in their memory...I just say don't waiver remind them when you have too, know when to be quiet when you have to due to what is happening in your life...Sometimes sessions have to be a little more lead by the therapist for those really protective ones..

i think what matters more is what you feel, how you experience things, etc. and not what a therapist says you do or do not have.

even though i am in denial at times with my stuff, when it is right there in my face and happening, i know it is real and cannot deny it. i thought for the last 12 years that my current psychiatrist would not believe me and the degree of things i struggle with, but recently i learned she does believe me...and i feel stupid for thinking she didn't because i was prepared to present a timeline for her of things and it triggered things massively...but it did help having her acknowledge what i felt and experienced was real. so, i think finding someone who can validate what you experience is important or else they can't be of much help to begin with.

i had seen various professionals since my early teens, but i don't recall telling them about all of this type of stuff..also because i wasn't as aware of it yet..so i had a lot of other diagnoses.

Hey hon, welcome to this side of the forum and kudos for coming real with yourself about it and reaching out for understanding and help. Now the healing can begin.

Not many people will take DID seriously, especially if you all of a sudden proclaim it like your psychotic or something. Nobody here, family or even professionals took me seriously, even on this forum I think they thought/think I'm nuts! :P I asked my new pdoc what he thought about DID, he didn't even know my name and said that I don't have DID! He's fired. This is a real lonely condition because it's like unbelievable that it would happen to someone they know, just to others on a planet far away.

I'm 47 also and there's copies of my story on here everywhere, we pretty much came out of denial a year ago, but have known since we were 8. We switch and take turns running this body for it belongs to all of us. Everyones system is different, but I understand what you describe.

I call myself a multiple because I'm pretty much undiagnosed, but it's obvious and I'm co-con. I'm okay with floating around DID and OSDD...I can probably be called either because I have like almost no memory of things, just bits and pieces. There is nothing in disability that matters about having DID or whatever, so having the official DX doesn't matter. Testing is for those that aren't aware and having living problems because of it, and to weed out the wanna be's which I don't get.

You can forget convincing your T about your condition I think. I looked up a T that specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders, walked in there and said skip all the testing crap because I know, told her my story, and said lets get on with the healing....she was into it. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to start integration process till I can afford it.

You sound like a multiple because you are so confident in what you say with the right history.

What I did though is I started keeping a notebook doing journaling. I also wrote out a timeline of experiences, my quirks, dissociation times and triggers....I call it my DID notebook. I mapped my system with descriptors of each ( we got hundreds of others- we hate the word alters). It's on my iPad, so it goes everywhere I go.

Got to go but hope to hear more and let's discuss.

She wrote you a response but had me delete it. She thought it sounded stupid...it didn't. But she wanted you to know that she cried when she read this - in a good way. She felt invalidated and even though we talked about it and she knows I was sincere, it meant more coming from a stranger who she knows isn't biased because they love her like I do. So from both of us, thank you.

Have you had a look at the book The Stranger in the Mirror? It's written by the women who devised the SCID-D test. It gives great explanations and life stories of the dissociative scale. I probably have DD-NOS or whatever the new name is. Anyway it's a great book. Also The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. That's more technical but still very good. Sounds like you need to find someone who is trained in trauma. My t says there aren't many here in UK who will diagnose it and it's a fairly controversial area (as you realise reading Van Der Kolks book). I have managed to find a support group near me. Hope you can get some validation soon. Believe yourself. Only you know you.

Agreed. But unfortunately, I still have to attend sessions for the time being. Now, instead of actually making use of the time, it is now a waste. I no longer have any desire to share anything further with him, so it has become 'smile and nod' time.
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Thanks for the welcome Always. I've known for many years but until now only my wife and daughter has known.

Amen.

Well, I'm glad your here.

I'll support you and your decisions 100% as you move forward, but I couldn't imagine integrating...kind of feels like one of us dying, you know?

I'm glad you're here.

I will check them both out; thank you for the recommendations.

I do believe; I know. And I know it's controversial. I've been visiting DID support groups since DID was still MPD - so well over twenty years. I think we started on internet chat relay which had the first online support groups.

I'm just a little disappointed because fifty years of keeping a secret only to be dismissed within minutes. I suppose I'm partly to blame. Keep a secret for fifty years, you figure it is valuable, you know? You're right though - validation comes from inside. I don't need outside validation, I just trusted him...and I don't give trust lightly so I think a big part of this is just beating myself up for sharing my secret with someone unworthy.

That sounds hard. It's horrible when people don't understand - I love my t and it's the most awful thing when she doesn't get something as I expect her to understand. But she hasn't been through what I have. Luckily I can tell her when she gets it wrong for me too. You weren't to know that your t and pdoc were unworth so not your fault. But that must really hurt. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I think it's stupid that some think he know it all can call it without listening to the client. We had one of those. I hate guys for therapists. I hate guys in general...something to talk to my therapist about. Our main abuser was male, no big jump there.

It's like a freaken wall. Once a pro set ther mind up theirs no convincing them otherwise....even if presenting it on a gold platter. That's just their ego talking out their azz. It just infuriates me and want to pound something.

I'm disgusted in the whole thing myself, gotta talk like your in a crowd, might step on somebodies itty bitty toes. When you ready to hit somebody, someone won't let you.

nuff said

just a bit of info that may be affecting how the treatment provider has not diagnosed you with DID based on the fact that you do not lose time (have the required dissociative type memory problem)...

here in america treatment providers have had to switch over to new diagnostic criteria.. now we have two mental disorders instead of one where people can have dissociative type alternate personalities....

DID (with the dissociative type memory problems called time loss)
OSDD (Other Specified dissociative Disorder which has less than marked discontinuity (memory problems\time loss more co consciousness than DID)

unfortunately with the change in 2013 for many people who were previously diagnosed DID and those that may feel they have DID but are more co conscious, it can be a bit upsetting and confusing when their treatment providers do not diagnose DID any more based on the old standards where it didnt matter how much co consciousness someone had.

but in the long run it can be easier with the new diagnostics because sometimes treatment is a bit different with those that are /have a majority of co consciousness vs those who have limited to no co consciousness. for example because OSDD has co consciousness therapy sessions are not wasted on trying to develop co consciousness/commuunication skills because its already there. short version healing is faster with OSDD than it is DID because of not having to start with the basics of developing co consciousness and communication which can take many years for some if ever.

First of all, clicking the thanks icon wasn't sufficient for this post - so thanks.

It can be hard to keep up with the changes being out of the loop - this was vital information.

Bingo!

The frustrating part for me is simply the complete lack of consistent logic, at least from my vantage point. For instance, I'm a recovered drug addict. I've been clean for twenty-three plus years. Ask my pdoc if I'm still an addict and he'll tell you that I am absolutely still an addict. "But doc," I cry, "I haven't taken any drugs in over twenty-three years!" He'll reply, "Drugs are just a symptom of the disease of addiction." And he'll be right. So I'm not cured.

Dissociative amnesia is but a symptom of DID. So I'm cured. Cool. Honestly, I could care less what the diagnosis is - or is not; I'm a pretty happy guy, particularly when I don't have to deal with pdocs. I just wish they'd apply the same standards across the board.

Question for you amandalouise, if you don't mind. I'm seeing a pdoc for medical reasons - long story short, my primary care physician can't legally provide pain killers for chronic conditions except under a very few special conditions. One of those is to have a pdoc sign off on it as crucial to mental health. Because a sleep study showed that I was getting zero percent stage three and zero percent REM sleep without pain meds, this was the easiest way for me to get pain management.

So my question is, what are some potential benefits to treatment for OSDD? Chronic pain aside, we're very happy and frankly, we consider ourselves to be more than the sum of our parts. One insignificant example, it's just the first thing that came to mind, is this: We like to play chess. A talent that we have is that she can hold pictures in her head - I can't. So she'll hold the board position in her head and I'll make the moves and so we're able to play blindfold chess - not the most important skill but it's something fun we do together.

Oh, here we go, a more significant example and one that has some significant health benefits for us, particularly as we have several chronic pain conditions. Incidentally, we've had this tested in a lab. Stage three sleep is the restorative sleep exemplified by the production of delta waves. Deep meditation also provides a way to create delta waves and get restorative benefits. I've taught her to meditate and when she does, even when I'm reading or watching TV (as we did in the lab) my brain produces delta waves even though "I" am not sleeping or meditating. It's a neat trick and I believe, the reason I didn't lose my mind prior to getting some pain relief.

I'm just wondering if the potential benefits to treatment could possibly outweigh the arrangements we have now.

what are the benefits of treatment for OSDD... that depends upon you.

example...you how two people can take the same medication lets for the sake of this post use tylenol. some people benefit from taking tylenol because this treatment works on their headaches. others may benefit from this treatment because it stops their back ache. for others it may not benefit them because it doesnt help their headache or back ache....

my point each person is different therefor what treatments help them and why they are on that treatment is individualized...

in general treatment of dissociative disorders are things like

stabilizing .... getting the person to the point where they are no longer suicidal, self injuring and their day to day living\functioning is going well.

grounding (learning how to stay in the present moment, learning how to take care of their self, learning how to take care of their problems using other ways then dissociating) some locations call this self nurturing, self care, mindfulness. trauma therapy.

in some people there is an added treatment that involves processing memories, triggers, past trauma's, this treatment isnt new or special to DID or OSDD. it can be worked on with anyone with PTSD or other mental disorders too..

some clients and treatment providers also use specialized (to all mental disorders not just DID or OSDD) therapy approaches \techniques. which ones vary according to what each persons treatment provider does. example mine does behavioral therapies, art therapies, aroma therapies, meditation, vision quests ...

what benefits will you get from treatment ...well for that you will need to contact your own treatment providers who can help you to figure out what treatments you need and what benefits you expect to get from them.

My treatment providers have dismissed any dissociative issues so, guess there is no treatment forthcoming.

I do thank you for some very informative additions to this thread.

Im sorry that happened to you ...

when reading your past posts they say you have been prescribed anti psychotics....for some people this is the treatment for their dissociative problems.

you posted you are a recovering addict....um being a bit blunt here but drugs and alcohol can cause a person to have life long dissociative problems which is why one of the dissociative disorders diagnostics state the problem can not be because a person has used drugs or alcohol. the fact that you have a history of drugs or alcohol addiction may be why they had to disregard a dissociative diagnosis.

you have a history of combat PTSD... this has its own dissociative disorder problems built right in the diagnostic criteria (which again means a treatment provider would have to disregard diagnosing a dissociative disorder if the problems are better explained by the PTSD problems\diagnostics)

you are a practicing buddhist. the diagnostic criteria for dissociative disorders states the problems can not be because of religious practices...some buddhist practices may cause some people dissociative like problems (so again this may be why your treatment providers had to disregard diagnosing a dissociative disorder in you)

you have also posted you have social anxiety.. this can also cause a person to have dissociative like problems..so again your treatment providers had to look at what was causing your dissociative problems (when where how...) and decide if the problem was better explained by other mental problems than dissociative disorders.

my point is you have so much involved here and what you have posted everything can be explained by many different things. so Im not surprised your treatment providers have had to disregard the dissociative disorders for what they have actually diagnosed you as.

that said heres a thought... treatment isnt only about what treatment providers provide and the treatments for dissociative problems are the same treatments that can be gotten through treatment for other mental disorders.

my suggestion is follow the treatment plans they have you on, take the medications they have prescribed. you may be surprised how even what they are doing with you for your problems they are working on with you actually works for your dissociative problems too.

and if you still dont agree with their diagnosis you can request a psychiatric evaluation for diagnostic purposes.

I know! What if we become a real weirdo? At least this way I have someone to blame it on!