[Claritytoo]

I just finished reading someone's thread and I am at a loss. I read about how people here have horrific memories and feelings about what happened to them. The have parts that remember the abuse, the fear, the pain. I was abused when I was little. I only have fragments of it. I have not emotions attached to the fragments. Just visual memories but no feeling. Someone else has the feeling for those memories. But none of it comes to the surface. Sometimes there are breaks in reality like derealization or dissociation, but I don't have an understanding that these things happened to me. I don't know how to explain it. I almost don't relate to most of what I read on this site. I know I have a system and that we all have jobs and that most of us have jobs that enable us to function in the world. What I don't have much communication is with the parts that function in my system to protect me from remembering, I don't even know who I would be if I could remember. Would I be unable to function in the world. Would I become one part. It's so confusing. We are afraid to become just one of us but how do we become all of us in one place at the same time.

[kecanoe]

I don't have any parts that admit to being abused; I do have several that carried the hurt for ages and ages. Part of being dissociative for me is that I don't have to remember the abuse, and parts of me think that is a good thing. That's why I have parts-to not remember (and be overwhelmed) by feelings. So for me to have little glimpses into my past without emotion is common.

and I have no idea who I am. T3 says she is treating "me" but I have no clue who that is. I could probably create another part to cope with therapy and memories

As far as communication between parts, I started slowly. For me, journaling was very helpful. Several times a day I would sit down and see if anybody wanted to write. They could identify themselves or not. It was interesting to see the different handwriting. Really remarkable. And some parts don't know how to spell. That helped me start to accept that perhaps I have DID.

I am now stable (thank God) and am working on the processing trauma part of DID treatment. I do not have the goal of becoming one. My goal is to function well IRL. If that involves parts integrating, that is fine with me. If not, that is ok also. For me, deciding that everyone is going to integrate is just anxiety producing and doesn't help me function at all. Having said that, there are a few parts of me that do function together all the time now. They have the same opinions, thoughts, and feelings. I still call them by both names, but I would consider them integrated, at least with each other.

This is what put me in the hospital last January, a memory.

I can visally see instances of being "corrected", but have zero connection to it. No sound, no feeling, no emotions...nothing. Seems like no big deal, right? Well, I went looking for an emotion and big mistake. It was more than I can handle, I started dissociating and crying, and got drunk x3 to kill the lingering memory....2 weeks in the hospital.

Lesson learned...."DO NOT ENTER!"

Do I want anymore of that? HELL NO!

[finding_my_way]

i understand how confusing things can be. i have trauma memories, but i also do not have a lot. while i do have certain memories, i don't always feel much about them..maybe because once they came to my awareness, there was some processing that was done. but sometimes there can be intense emotions about it when talked outloud about.

for the memories i do not have, i have emotional triggers/responses but no visuals..so they are kind of like body memories, i guess, to some degree which i haven't figured out all the triggers to yet and cannot process linked memories so still have the reactions to randomly.

i can connect some traumatic things to what 'i' went through, but they are still so distant too, so it still seems quite disconnected to me...i do not know my system well so don't know who, if any, hold memories or when they developed as they have been there from as long as i can remember (at least five years old). i also don't know how much i was present for or how much they blended with me throughout childhood since things have changed and i lost communication/knowing who is around still, if there was integration, if any went to sleep, disappeared..i do not know..so i can understand not knowing things and having confusion when trying to figure things out.

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I just finished reading someone's thread and I am at a loss. I read about how people here have horrific memories and feelings about what happened to them. The have parts that remember the abuse, the fear, the pain. I was abused when I was little. I only have fragments of it. I have not emotions attached to the fragments. Just visual memories but no feeling. Someone else has the feeling for those memories. But none of it comes to the surface. Sometimes there are breaks in reality like derealization or dissociation, but I don't have an understanding that these things happened to me. I don't know how to explain it. I almost don't relate to most of what I read on this site. I know I have a system and that we all have jobs and that most of us have jobs that enable us to function in the world. What I don't have much communication is with the parts that function in my system to protect me from remembering, I don't even know who I would be if I could remember. Would I be unable to function in the world. Would I become one part. It's so confusing. We are afraid to become just one of us but how do we become all of us in one place at the same time.

I'm sorry hon, this condition can be so bewildering with too many open ended questions that go unanswered- scary. Everyone's system is different, so things are not going to be the same.

What's common to everyone that's relatable is trauma at a very young age, dissociation, and the emergence of other parts. After that, life experiences dictates the direction that the parts will evolve and function.

I too have a fear of being a singleton....it's an unknown. I too can't communicate with my parts that are memory vaults to the worse parts of my trauma...that means that they are doing their job and best be left to a professional to unlock because they are hidden from us for a reason- we can't handle them on our own like in the first place.

As far as functioning, it's got to be better than what I've been doing, I imagine. But who am I as a singleton? Will I be me, or the other one, or a mix? One has got to have hope that things will all be better (or at least different) in these matters and put their trust in the process.

The way that you described yourself is exactly how things are with me:

I was abused when I was little. I only have fragments of it. I have not emotions attached to the fragments. Just visual memories but no feeling. Someone else has the feeling for those memories.

I hope that nothing that I've said has confused you. We tend to go blah blah blah a lot, maybe we shouldn't. I've thought about deleting this account often....

Anyways, I hope that you are feeling better and that healing is just right around the corner!