[scar12346]

Honestly I would much rather stay in and never look at the outside world. I love much more inside. I don't know. It's like my system has made this amazing world where there are no problems and where they are just humans.. I don't know is that even DID am I doubting everything again? I have no clue what is going down to be honest I am so lost, so down, full of depression and uselessness.. I don't know, is that normal? Am I really going insane? I want my psychologist.. why is mental health not free?

I am the same way. I dont see a problem with it

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

I am the same way. I dont see a problem with it

Me too!

[lucidity11]

Not me. I don't like now knowing people I run into. I don't like not remembering things that I was taught or things I did or places I went. I don't like not being able to tell my thoughts in my head from reality. I don't like feeling like I am not fully experiencing my life in the world because feelings are in parts and not in a single place. I don't like not being able to be in the moment. I don't like the distance between me and people I care about because of memories I don't recall. Yes I am grateful for my system saving me from death or emotional decimation. But I would like to be able to remember, feel the pain, remember the abuse and move past it. Move into the present. I want to stop being afraid.

[Mookster]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

Not me. I don't like now knowing people I run into. I don't like not remembering things that I was taught or things I did or places I went. I don't like not being able to tell my thoughts in my head from reality. I don't like feeling like I am not fully experiencing my life in the world because feelings are in parts and not in a single place. I don't like not being able to be in the moment. I don't like the distance between me and people I care about because of memories I don't recall. Yes I am grateful for my system saving me from death or emotional decimation. But I would like to be able to remember, feel the pain, remember the abuse and move past it. Move into the present. I want to stop being afraid.

You and I both, found out the other day I was taught how to knit when I was younger, I don't remember it at all... I'm so tired of the Swiss cheese sized holes in my head it isn't funny. I want to live in the here and now, I want to have a life that I enjoy. even if they have to stay, I'd just like to know what they are doing/saying...

[scar12346]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

Not me. I don't like now knowing people I run into. I don't like not remembering things that I was taught or things I did or places I went. I don't like not being able to tell my thoughts in my head from reality. I don't like feeling like I am not fully experiencing my life in the world because feelings are in parts and not in a single place. I don't like not being able to be in the moment. I don't like the distance between me and people I care about because of memories I don't recall. Yes I am grateful for my system saving me from death or emotional decimation. But I would like to be able to remember, feel the pain, remember the abuse and move past it. Move into the present. I want to stop being afraid.

Well is not like I do love it, but I would much rather stay in, even if I am a host. Depression has gotten the best of me, can't lie, but living in this fantasy world where everything is the way I want it to be sounds much more better.

That's the thing about us, ever on guard, ever watching reality waiting for our turn which makes us more different....our cray cray over DID. Our inner world is solemn and dark with like steel gray figures standing at attention, waiting....simpleness. We don't want to give in to imagination so we are sentries standing guard....waiting.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by scar12346

Well is not like I do love it, but I would much rather stay in, even if I am a host. Depression has gotten the best of me, can't lie, but living in this fantasy world where everything is the way I want it to be sounds much more better.

I totally understand what you are saying. And I go in and out of that thought myself. But I realize that I have spent years, decades distracting myself from feeling my life. All my intimate relationships were always just out of reach. Almost all my interaction in the world were measured. Trees are real, the breeze is real even this miscible cold is real, but my moving through events in my life have always been like a performance. Every thought was measured before it came out. Sometimes a group consensus. And it all happens in a split second. There have been times when I felt real but that only happened when I felt safe. And I almost never feel safe. Anger feels real because it takes something real to put that in motion. Fear feels real only when it is set off by something outside my head. Like a dog trying to bite me. It's funny because after I escaped the dog and was sitting on the roof of my car I felt a rush. Adrenalin no doubt but it was pure emotion in that moment without having anything to do with past thoughts in my mind. It's difficult to really explain. But I want to feel my life solely in that present. So I force myself to go out. To be around people. It is easier to be around people I don't know because they don't have an expectation of me. So how I present is who I am. For now that works. At least I am out of the house. But I totally understand your reasoning.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

Not me. I don't like now knowing people I run into. I don't like not remembering things that I was taught or things I did or places I went. I don't like not being able to tell my thoughts in my head from reality. I don't like feeling like I am not fully experiencing my life in the world because feelings are in parts and not in a single place. I don't like not being able to be in the moment. I don't like the distance between me and people I care about because of memories I don't recall. Yes I am grateful for my system saving me from death or emotional decimation. But I would like to be able to remember, feel the pain, remember the abuse and move past it. Move into the present. I want to stop being afraid.

Hello. I relate to the feelings you express. Not connecting to others, not having all your feelings and memory connected in/to one sense of self --makes life more than a little difficult. as you indicate, dissociation is a protective coping mechanism. I also know this from my own personal expereince.

For a long time I wasnt even aware of it happening. Once ina while soemone said soemthing that made no sense to me about something I had said or doen but had no idea what the heck they were talking about. But then the dissociation got to the point where the coping mechanism was keeping me from living life and then I had to so soemthign about it. I was changing over and over and my life became as fragmented as my own fragile sense of self.

I got into therapy. I found the other selves who shared my body with me/the different aspects of awareness. For me DID was like someone new stepping up behind my eyes, moving aside a curtain, and looking through and seeing thigns from their perspective and with their set of memories and expereinces. I had a lot of nightmares. I felt ao alone and lost. so utterly disconnected.

I think that being connected to someone you can be honest with is important and truly helpful. Hoepfully you ahve a therapist who understands and will invest with you the time and work your need to get through this so your life is manageable and ecently happy. I used/ use art as a ways of expressing feelings and expereinces and inner self perspectives.

I wont tell you that living with DID is easy, but here are ways to make it easier. Encourage the habit and activities you find keep you more on an even keep and try and stay away from those that dont. Stay away from people who refuse to validate you or your right to your own feelings and thoughts. Above all, dont give up on yourself. Each of us is so much stronger than we ever realize. Take care, and keep sharing.