I've been thinking about this for awhile to understand my multipleness.

First, if I remember right...the conscience lies in the forward part of the brain. This is where humans think, make decisions, is aware, and thrive when awake. The rest of the brain is donated to memory storage, autonomous functions, and subconscious experiences.

With that said, I hope this makes sense...

Prior to the "The Great Awakening"- our conscious acceptance and awareness of our multipledom, the "I" (the body's living singular identity) was a living illusion involuntarily created from early childhood and born out of unawareness. Each of the "Others" (alters) conscious ran through this area (co-conscious) giving the system a single identity in mind and thought. "I" was self-aware as a singleton.

"I" was a unified collaboration of a supposed single self taken as each alters own at the alter's time of presenting. "I" was shared through the Others unknowingly, an endless string of thoughts, ideas, experiences, all linked into a singular life timeline. We silently and anonymously did our tasks like we ever did since birth. Eventually though, we were in voluntary system wide denial which lead to having forgotten our true identity after we began to be aware 35 years ago. "I" chose this because we didn't want to be self-outed as a system... to stay hidden so that we viewed "I" as normal. In other words, we lied to ourselves.

"I" has privately studied psychology for 2 years at the age of 15 ("I" has/had smarts- all honour courses in school w/3.6 GPA, grad top 1/4 class of 300) in a personal quest of figuring out what was wrong with "I", then at college. All in all, "I" put in several years of study- but not a pro...just got know. (Guess who!) lol.

Through this collective thinking, "I" acknowledged that something was "off". Silently suffering, "I" experienced different head voices, changing ideas and perceptions, an ever changing head voice, missing/jumbled memories, DP/DR, time jumps, dissociation, emotional breakdowns, changing personality traits, altering likes/dislikes,...

"I" lived as an alcoholic/addict hoping to "accidentally" die, drifting from one wanton life to another over compensating in efforts of numbing the inner turmoil. "I" looked inward every now and then, but the cloud of denial hang thick and had a stomach turning/churning affect to dis-sway further investigation. "I" was confused and knew it felt/was different and couldn't put a finger on it, but continued to live on in markedly less than ignorant bliss, wondering....

"The Great Awakening"...

One night a year ago....the term "multiple personality" was uttered which triggered an extremely vivid flashback to the moment of agreed system denial umpteen years ago. The agony and pain of living for so many years led to an exasperated instantaneous system wide rejection of the denial pact. We literally lurched out of our chair, wide eyed as the curtain of darkness began to fall. All hell then broke loose (as you all unfortunately got to watch through the past year) as we came out of the fog dazed and confused...aware. (Sorry...but thank you for putting up with it!).

Let the body snatching begin as we fought over control. We eventually have worked out a system for co-existence in fairness, but it's as life dictates which some can influence and control in their favor which creates a jealous rivalry which then leads to conflict....

Upon rejecting denial and accepting our system for who we are on a multiple level, the "I" ceased to exist for we are now aware of our own individual selves, each of their own special abilities. It's traits were now recognized to be that of each of the others combined in an effort to remain hidden as created from early childhood. It's now "we", and as much as we want to...we can't go back. It's too late for us because now we have individualized and are in the know. We have come a long way baby...

We still share the conscious like we ever have, but in co-operation and a "take turn" kind of way. This is the way we work and function daily, moment to moment, instance to instance, always changing, switching to fit the present. Even though we share the conscience, we are still quite the seperated individual from each other, like our individual self lives are still quite private.

I hope this makes some sense in wording, idea and thought. It's taken me a little bit (about a year) to put this all together... a picture of our fragmented functioning mind. This was my pet project but I've about put the puzzle together and now I'll be bored, looking for something else to pick apart. This is what I do. The others don't care (some do and had a really hard time accepting and dealing with this)... this is just for me to present to a therapist or anyone else that matters to care. Or good enough to get me branded as a nut job and locked away, lol.

So, in conclusion, there is 2 views presented here. One- a living singular conscious fragmented into varying degree of parts. Or two- distinct parts that share a single conscious with varying degrees of co-consciousness. I believe we are number two.

I wish that I can say that they are all different versions of me, but we are too distinct for that as individuals. I suppose you can technically say that, but....

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps shed light on other systems functionings. I hope not to confuse, but this would be my best guess. As time passes, this realization is steadily sinking in as common place and our system for the most part is settling down. Of course what is a family without crisis and drama...we still have our moments!

If anyone has a question or correction, feel free to say or ask, I don't mind. I'll try to respond if and when I get to get back out.

Tell me about yours, it'll help me understand mine more better.

[Shaly78]

I's, yea I have florid/polyfragmented system.....A mix of distinct and fragments, guess what though only need two to diagnose what you end up having is not really what matters, right. I sometime think that we don't need to explain every single thing....I think it is breeding ground for you to doubt yourself your memories and I can make the argument that it will ruin your system day to day to point where you will need SSA...Damn, had I known earlier, you can't get earlier back so I let go of the guilt this is how my story is no sense in feeling guilty or bad about it..........I'm ssooooo glad that I don't need anyone's approval or have to ask, well do you believe ....For a while, though it was the only way because I had no one in this due to how I first got diagnosed...I have since, had validation, secretly albeit validation....Now, I try to pick up the piece of all of that for nothing .....It didn't have to be that way....Now, I try to help who I can, relate, and sometimes get things out, other times I might want to learn in small piece stuff I didn't know or I may have previously forgotten.

Originally Posted by Shaly78

I's, yea I have florid/polyfragmented system.....A mix of distinct and fragments, guess what though only need two to diagnose what you end up having is not really what matters, right. I sometime think that we don't need to explain every single thing....I think it is breeding ground for you to doubt yourself your memories and I can make the argument that it will ruin your system day to day to point where you will need SSA...Damn, had I known earlier, you can't get earlier back so I let go of the guilt this is how my story is no sense in feeling guilty or bad about it..........I'm ssooooo glad that I don't need anyone's approval or have to ask, well do you believe ....For a while, though it was the only way because I had no one in this due to how I first got diagnosed...I have since, had validation, secretly albeit validation....Now, I try to pick up the piece of all of that for nothing .....It didn't have to be that way....Now, I try to help who I can, relate, and sometimes get things out, other times I might want to learn in small piece stuff I didn't know or I may have previously forgotten.

Yes, I agree. I really don't remember what I wrote above nor am I going to read it. Most of our postings are just about my inner workings in hopes others can relate or maybe understand themselves better. I've quit searching...just free expression.

The postings on this website PC are crawled by Google and pops up on their search engine through keywords. I've often find my posts on the front page of search topics whch is pretty kewl. I started a blog once and an other came and deleted the entire account. Azzhole.

I'm all for back to living in the conscience as the head-quarters for focused thinking.

Let's get passed all these side trips.

Out of mind out of sight.

[Susan27]

Prior to the "The Great Awakening"- our conscious acceptance and awareness of our multipledom, the "I" (the body's living singular identity) was a living illusion involuntarily created from early childhood and born out of unawareness. Each of the "Others" (alters) conscious ran through this area (co-conscious) giving the system a single identity in mind and thought. "I" was self-aware as a singleton.

Through this collective thinking, "I" acknowledged that something was "off". Silently suffering, "I" experienced different head voices, changing ideas and perceptions, an ever changing head voice, missing/jumbled memories, DP/DR, time jumps, dissociation, emotional breakdowns, changing personality traits, altering likes/dislikes,...

I hope this makes some sense in wording, idea and thought. It's taken me a little bit (about a year) to put this all together... a picture of our fragmented functioning mind.

So, in conclusion, there is 2 views presented here. One- a living singular conscious fragmented into varying degree of parts. Or two- distinct parts that share a single conscious with varying degrees of co-consciousness. I believe we are number two.

If anyone has a question or correction, feel free to say or ask, I don't mind. I'll try to respond if and when I get to get back out.

Tell me about yours, it'll help me understand mine more better.[/QUOTE]

Wow that was good insight. when I do this much analyzing into my fragmented states, my therapist says my mind is "doing it's thing" to keep myself busy to avoid the pain and that it's another defense mechanism. I don't think ANYONE gets what it's like to feel like you are in pieces inside. The compulsion to "get a grip" on what's going on forces me to investigate, analyze and try to come up with likely conclusions. If only to get things to calm down for yet another period of time, however long (or short) until things get in upheaval again.

thank you so much for posting this! I am a 48 yo female who has been suffering tremendously with severe dissociative symptoms since I woke up at 23. I've never gotten anyone to acknowledge a dissociative disorder. Only that my dissociating is part of my PTSD. I wish I understood better but it's like being in a rabbit hole w/o a flashlight and it's very hard to figure it out from "in here", right?

can I talk with you more to get some more info and share stuff back and forth? you sound very intelligent (I always was too) I use the past tense because this condition and medications over so many years is just plain dumbing me down I think.

I still don't even know what's the matter with me when I go through these fragmented periods. I feel like my identity and sense of self falls apart and I life in a tormented period filled with confusion, horrible physical symptoms in my head, and severe terror trying to just be with whatever it is that's happening to me.

I'd really like to talk more. it helps so much. I haven't been on this site for over 10 years I think. I didn't even know I had a dissociative disorder when I was. OMG what a long, difficult life this has been. does it ever end? can it ever truly heal? can there be peace of mind with a strong sense of I AM ... ever???

I'm glad I signed on at work and read this post you wrote. I feel less alone already.
thank you for your courage and honesty.

susan

Originally Posted by Susan27

Prior to the "The Great Awakening"- our conscious acceptance and awareness of our multipledom, the "I" (the body's living singular identity) was a living illusion involuntarily created from early childhood and born out of unawareness. Each of the "Others" (alters) conscious ran through this area (co-conscious) giving the system a single identity in mind and thought. "I" was self-aware as a singleton.

Through this collective thinking, "I" acknowledged that something was "off". Silently suffering, "I" experienced different head voices, changing ideas and perceptions, an ever changing head voice, missing/jumbled memories, DP/DR, time jumps, dissociation, emotional breakdowns, changing personality traits, altering likes/dislikes,...

I hope this makes some sense in wording, idea and thought. It's taken me a little bit (about a year) to put this all together... a picture of our fragmented functioning mind.

So, in conclusion, there is 2 views presented here. One- a living singular conscious fragmented into varying degree of parts. Or two- distinct parts that share a single conscious with varying degrees of co-consciousness. I believe we are number two.

If anyone has a question or correction, feel free to say or ask, I don't mind. I'll try to respond if and when I get to get back out.

Tell me about yours, it'll help me understand mine more better.

Wow that was good insight. when I do this much analyzing into my fragmented states, my therapist says my mind is "doing it's thing" to keep myself busy to avoid the pain and that it's another defense mechanism. I don't think ANYONE gets what it's like to feel like you are in pieces inside. The compulsion to "get a grip" on what's going on forces me to investigate, analyze and try to come up with likely conclusions. If only to get things to calm down for yet another period of time, however long (or short) until things get in upheaval again.

thank you so much for posting this! I am a 48 yo female who has been suffering tremendously with severe dissociative symptoms since I woke up at 23. I've never gotten anyone to acknowledge a dissociative disorder. Only that my dissociating is part of my PTSD. I wish I understood better but it's like being in a rabbit hole w/o a flashlight and it's very hard to figure it out from "in here", right?

can I talk with you more to get some more info and share stuff back and forth? you sound very intelligent (I always was too) I use the past tense because this condition and medications over so many years is just plain dumbing me down I think.

I still don't even know what's the matter with me when I go through these fragmented periods. I feel like my identity and sense of self falls apart and I life in a tormented period filled with confusion, horrible physical symptoms in my head, and severe terror trying to just be with whatever it is that's happening to me.

I'd really like to talk more. it helps so much. I haven't been on this site for over 10 years I think. I didn't even know I had a dissociative disorder when I was. OMG what a long, difficult life this has been. does it ever end? can it ever truly heal? can there be peace of mind with a strong sense of I AM ... ever???

I'm glad I signed on at work and read this post you wrote. I feel less alone already.
thank you for your courage and honesty.

susan

Shelly:

Thanks hon, you know what they say...inquiring minds want to know! I'm sorry that you are feeling that way, and to not be getting anywhere with help gone stale.

We were just stating the obvious of our observable thinking patterns. This was a group effort in collaboration...a no brainer actually. We've been open to being a multiple for ages, but finally came forward with it.

Feel free to pm me if you like or post here. Most of us on this board are dealing with a fragmented mental state to one degree or another, and are sure to be more than happy to help support.

I'm not a therapist or anything, just one dealing with a condition of mental illness.

[Susan27]

I don't remember how to use all these features yet to PM you but thank you and I'll try to figure it out

Originally Posted by Susan27

You are the first person in my 48 years on earth that has acknowledged fragmented states...validated this experience iceberg suffering on and off with for sooo long. Omg. I can't believe there is another.
I think I have severe dissoc disorder but not DID

How can I tell?

Shelly:

Wow hon, I'm sorry.

One can be OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder), I'm riding the fence on the 2, but it doesn't really matter....I'm a multiple. We have some amnesia and denial still among a few others.

The best that I can do is just describe my experiences.

Let's say I was born abused up till I graduated which caused the poly-fragmentation. Everything is a dissociative trigger to us- sight, sound, memories, emotions, thoughts, people, places, and things,...

We did private research and investigations in neuro-biology and psychoanalysis in the last year, and absorbed experiences by others affected till we were able to piece the puzzle together. It took lots of work.

It took systematic self-exploration and discovery (scientific method: ask and answer). Since we have fragmented memories and thinking, we kept a few notebooks of our findings. Actually, I did most of the research and the others helped.

The "I" started consciencely paying attention to our thoughts, and noticed that the thinking head voices were actually all different. We also begun to notice that each particular voice had its own likes and dislikes, age, self image, ideas, gestures, body movements, gender,...
From there, we were able to build a profile on each of the fragments as they became more clear. This is still an ongoing process of self-discovery.

We knew about "co-conscience", but it took months of experimenting to realize exactly how it works for us versus the scientific description in black/white print.

We, at least I, is proud of the analysis of ourselves. Some of us hate it because it means never going back to the way it was. We are now switching hard and it's very noticeable because we can now recognize it for what it is.

To us, this isn't self-diagnosing, it's more system self-discovery of what we know to be true since forever. We just have the tools to be able to do so, that's all.

I hope this helps some!

I'm going to post this in that thread also.