[TrailRunner14]

This has been a heavy weekend!

Had lunch with my mom yesterday. It felt like such a vacuum there. Things that needed to be said, but shouldn't be said. So much heaviness that has no words. I dare not ask her. She was so good at showing me how defiant and disrespectful I was growing up. I felt much compassion for her. Tears behind my eyes.

I feel very comfortable here sharing my feelings. I want to say thank you for you have shared your thoughts with me on my other threads. This again, is new to me, but it is such a comfort. I would like to share with you that I do know that God has been with me through my life. I have known Him from the beginning. He has given me comfort and courage to start this healing and I trust him. I just wanted to say that.

Thank you for who you are. For replying to my posts. Ya know, there are those who are close to you, and you try and explain what you are feeling. You see, for me anyway, the confusion on their face and they say that they understand. In my heart, the tears are behind my eyes and I'm thinking....you really don't understand and I'm trying so hard to find someone who does.

I think, in my heart, here is the place that someone does.

I hope everyone has a good night.

Thank you for your online friendship.

[lucidity11]

I am glad you feel comfortable here. I also was searching for anyone who might believe me and get how and why we are this way. It's been important to me to hear about what others experience. It's helped all of us to feel more comfortable with our state of being.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I am glad you feel comfortable here. I also was searching for anyone who might believe me and get how and why we are this way. It's been important to me to hear about what others experience. It's helped all of us to feel more comfortable with our state of being.

I agree!! It makes all the difference!

Have an awesome Monday!!

I agree too!

And rambling is desperately underrated. I think there should be more rambling. Bring it on

[TrailRunner14]

More rambling.

Monday is my session time. We talked tonight about the electricity in my feet and hands. Also talked about some other things that I identified as anger. That's hard for me to express to the person. All was good.

I was on my way and the tingling came. I always tell it that we have to work together. Mutiny is not fair to me. We have to work together. Right?

M wants me to journal about the tingling/electricity this week. It's like a shadow. A radar that is there to do what it does. In my heart I know that is to protect me. I just don't understand from what!!!

M said it was ok if I didn't get anything from it, but the compliant part of me feels like there is a job to be done and we need to do it!

Does that make sense to anyone???

I don't want to push, but I also want to be accepting without pushing. Does that make sense?!

I've tried hearing from that part of me but it is so elusive. It bothers me and I know it has to feel like it is alone and tired.

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[TrailRunner14]

Just wanted to clarify. M is my counselor.

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[kecanoe]

I get the part about wanting to understand right now! I too am compliant and I also want to know so I can get better.

Patience with self. Ugh.

[TrailRunner14]

It just feels like something I have to "fix" and quickly. I believe that most probably shuts down any communication with any other parts of me, because of the pushing to get it done.

Patience is not a gift I possess, but I'm certainly learning the practice it.

Thank you!

Steve:

Right on, welcome. This us such a lonely condition, not like you can bump into another, even at most m.i. clinics.

I wish I can just forget and go back into denial, but Sherry (changed her name) did her homework too good in the past year. She pointed out the obvious and proved it. :/

We used to mindlessly go with the flow, but now it's jacked up and nothing is the same. Now we argue more than ever. Whatever, this is the the new norm...get used to it.

Keep asking questions and telling about yourself. You'll see that everyone's system is different because of life experiences, but the root cause of this condition is the same: unprocessed trauma. Whatever it was, may it R.I.P.

See ya around.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you!!