A part of a DID system....

I want my T to be like a mom to me, and i know she cant. I struggle with this and host has no idea. T gave system a blanket a long time ago and I am curled up in that and just coming off of 5 vodka drinks mixed with oj. Gosh my head hurts. I just want T to hold me and she will never. and using blankie wont ever fill that void. Is there anything that will? Host will be mad she is not very understanding of needs when it comes to wanting T. Not even sure what got me out today.because of the feelings for T I much rather have stayed in. not sure what got me out and honestly it pisses me off

Hello, You need to take better care of yourself. Drinking will only make things worse as far as making things fuzzy and aggravating depression.

Also, I am confused and maybe you can help me out here when it comes to your sense of self and perspective. When I read what you have written I notice there is a mixing of 'baby talk' (example Blankie) and adult talk--like "it pisses me off."

Again, I am just wondering where you are coming from. How can these two states be mixed up in the same moment like this? can you give me any direction here?

thank you for sharing. hugs

maybe passive influence? I have no idea.

Hi Kitchenfloor - this response has really aggravated me.

Do you have issues empathising with others? Quite a few of your responses are more about your distrust of other posters, rather than offering support or talking about your own experiences. Have you had therapy to work on your trust issues?

As for drinking - Just2b - I'll see your five vodkas and raise you a bottle of JD! We're DID for goodness sake. I will do whatever it takes to keep me alive, and numb, and if that means drinking myself in to a coma then I'll do it!

I don't find it strange at all the mixing of baby and adult talk. I do that all the time, because I am a mix of age ranges and my speech reflects that. All the books I've read by trauma / DID therapists also comment regularly on this - advising other therapists to be on the look out for little ones using adult language. Its a really common experience.

Thanks for your support. I try to not really put much into certain posters responses here. I know my experience and if someone is trying to question my diagnosis well, F*** them! Hey maybe they are just jealous of us with multiples! I cant sleep now. But hey we never do. It just makes it a long time before I can talk to T. Emailed her like 5 times. Really miss her and all. Dont come out much. And when I do, no idea what to say. I just like being around her. Good thing I got the BLANKIE....lol. In your face 1976kitchenfloor! sorry, think its the alcohol wearing off. Wish I had friends.

I really get that. Only, I don't want (ex ) T to be my big brother, he is my big brother. Blood means ****. The fact his body is ten years younger than mine means ****. I used to hold my T's hand sometimes, but we can't do that any more. I seem to always be my left hand, and one time he caught my right hand stopping my left hand from reaching out to him. It was dead embarrassing, but he didn't say anything. I reckon he was, like, WTF! in his head when he saw that! Im gutted cos we fired him a couple of weeks ago and I don't even understand why I don't have a blankie - that sounds lovely - really comforting. But I do have a nice piece of tree. Its only a bit of wood, but its got marks from where he chopped it, and I know he gave it to me and that he saw me, and it smells like apple. I really want to go back

are you up still? Can we PM?

I'm sorry to hear you feel you need to numb out. DID and trauma and abuse will do that. But it isn't the goal of a healthy life, you know. No matter how bad stuff is, you are worthy of a satisfying life in the present moment. You deserve to be present here and now.

You didn't like another person's response, but the point of a forum like this is to share different ideas and to offer support. We're not all having the same experiences and that's ok.

Trust issues are a big part of DID, so if another poster is expressing something like that, it's ok. It's where they are on their journey. Just like you are in a place of wanting to numb out. It's where you are. Maybe not where you want to be, but where you are at this moment.

here in america even adults use terms like blankie. it just designates a favorite blanket vs any old blanket in the home or else where.

example. I have a quilted blanket on my bed but when I am not feeling good mentally or physically i prefer the soft fleece blanket that is on the sofa. thats my "blankie" thats my "go to" thats my "warm fuzzy" thats my bff...thats my "Snookie (putting a name on the inanimate object)" heck here some adults even name their favorite car. my wifes car is called "herbie" when its working right and "nana" (short for banana which is fragile)

here in america we have many terms that designate when something is our favorite item vs any old item of the same. its not necessarily a DID thing to call something a blanke here. even non DID and non OSDD people do this here.

suggestion next time you are out in public listen to the adults in your location. you may find that even your location has names for favorite things that may not sound politically correct word for it.