too much old stuff going on

I don't often post much on here about myself. I am having such a horribly dissociative hard time at the moment. A current work situation, though fairly minor, mirrors and triggers a major event that happened in childhood (being sent back from foster care to abusive family). We are responding in the same way now as we did to that event - withdrawing, shutting down, silencing, internal hopelessness, despair, and more.

In the old event we were completely alone. We had no one on our side, and no one who believed us. The people we trusted who should have helped us discredited us and abandoned us to many more years of abuse.
In the current event, a work issue, we have no one on our side and no one who believes us. The people we trust to stick up for us didn't - they agreed with the other party instead, who is invalidating and discrediting us. We feel isolated and powerless, and circumstances dictate that we will be working alone under this person for the remainder of this year.

The internal reaction is way, way, way out of proportion to the current external event, but for all my intellectualizing I can't seem to put a stop to it.
The last two days have been particularly bad, and I am losing a lot of time continuity, which is very, very unlike me.

So my purpose for writing is this: I am trying to show my selves that we are not alone. That we can talk about this. That it is not the same now as it was back then. We do not have to be silent. We can use our voice. There ARE people who understand. We CAN tell our truth and be supported. I am trying to help them see that we can speak now. Because in this real life situation today if we did simply speak our truth about it, it would be okay. It is our continued silence that will perpetuate the situation.

I just want to speak our reality here. This is our reality right now. This is where we are. Here we are. And this is what is happening for us.

Hey Luce, I just wanted to let all of you know that you are completely right- you are not alone. I'm in a similar position in my work at the moment. There are a couple of things going on at my work that are so, so triggering. No amount of logical thought is relieving my internal panic alarm. I don't even vaguely have a solution- I just wanted your others to know you were right 😀

Luce thank you for telling us what you needed....(a place to tell, a place to write how things are different now than it was then) to vent and know you are not alone.

even now after all my alters have been merged\ became one with me I too struggle with those instant reactions of in tough times slipping back to the past. my treatment provider taught me a therapy tool called inner child therapy. this is a therapy technique that is used in any situation, doesnt have to be a dissociative situation, where a person feels like and reacts like they did when they were children.

heres how I do it... I find a picture of me that matches what I am feeling. then I look at that picture and think about all that I would have wanted someone else to say and do with me back then and how now things are different, then I close my eyes and .....imagine....(which is different than dissociation here in my location) I am sitting with that girl I used to be and I imagine telling her all those things I was thinking about before closing my eyes.

I learned how to do this before I was all one whole person again. I was amazed how much it helped the others as well even though I was not in a triggering dissociated frame of mind when I did that exercise.

now when I feel like what you posted I still do that. I have a feeling that there will always be times when I slip into feeling like you have posted simply because even normal people go through it. but I still hate it when it happens.

you most definitely are not alone. vent away

Hon, you are not alone. I experience similar events and dissociated reactions, especially around people like at our new job. It's seems to be dealing with other humans that throws us all off. Too many social cues and skills lacking, plus similar/like recall to traumas past and present.

We just experienced a situation at work where the other co-employees were harshly joking using us at a butt of their jokes which took me back to the earlier years of my abused life.. We just wanted to ask them to stop, but that triggered the Angry One which stood up and told them off- we were embarrased for days. Thank God it was right before the weekend. By Monday, we had resolved to keep our head down, do our job, and let it all blow over. Within a week we were all good again, and actually enjoyed being with the other employees.

Sometimes when we get triggered, theres a chance that we took it the wrong way, bouncing through the day. We live from one trigger to the next.

Please hang in there and cement yourself to a resolve in surviving the present situation. I hope it works out well for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, people. Thank you for being here to helping me do what I needed (reach out, speak our truth) and thank you for your responses. Thank you for 'hearing' me!

CassyO, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with similar issues at work. I hope you and yours find a way to move through it, and separate the past from the present. Thank you for your support.

AmandaLouise, I do use a similar technique as well, and most of the time it works beautifully. I think in this situation the problem was building up over several weeks and I had been using that technique - and others - often to deal with being triggered. In this case the triggers kept piling up on top of each other so that it went beyond my usual repertoire of coping skills, I think. The frustrating thing for me was that I know exactly what we need to do to deal with the situation professionally and responsibly, but I was increasingly unable to act because of the overwhelming internal responses.

AC2, I hear you! Dealing with other people - especially when they act in ways that set off our own personal triggers - can be so very, very challenging! In my own current work situation the woman that we are reacting to seems to have severe unresolved trauma issues of her own. She gets triggered by a multitude of different things (we kinda just discover them when we unknowingly set them off left right and centre) and then her triggered reactions trigger us. Unfortunately for us one of her coping mechanisms is to discredit and destroy the 'enemy' (us, in her triggered mind - but we are really not her enemy). She has many wonderful qualities and a wealth of knowledge and experience, and if we could just find a way to work with each other without setting off our combined minefield of triggers I think we would make a wonderful team!

I also reached out to ex T last night and she too was able to help. I feel so much clearer and un-triggered now.

Again, thank you thank you for listening and responding.

May I say "thank you" for all that was shared here in this thread?

Luce, I've read your post several times and wanted to respond with an encouraging word or comfort to you. I'm not very good with sharing my emotions in person and I seem to stumble over myself here.

I'm glad you are in a better place. What I wanted to tell you mostly, which meant the most to me, is that you are no alone. That always makes me feel better!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you, TR.