[elevatedsoul]

do you ever have trouble being the way or one you want to be in situations..?
like... i suck soo soo bad at trying to explain things grrrr

but like... say you are playing cars in the dirt with your best friend...
the best friend takes the car you want at first... you are inside like ok, its just a car... i will use the pink one i dont care... and then you try to make a road in the dirt to the super market but the best friend wants to not had a road there, he doesnt like the supermarket and wants just a landfill and a road around a bunch of houses that are made of rocks...
but you start to get like... seperated... you are playing but on another side you are playing the way you want to play, you have your supermarket but its not there but you are upset that its not there but it is there and you are playing that it is there but you are not at the same time...

you dont want to hurt your best friend so its like you are doing everything the normal ways... but it goes on and on, when you finally feel so overwhelmed in the other world because you are playing your way with yourself but trying to play with them the other way.... like... you start to forget which is which... which way he or shes is playing... and the way thats yours...
and then another feeling or way comes into being and you are angry, because you dont not understand how or what like... urgh i suck at explaining...
but its like, your friend notices you know? like why are you at the landfill? and you're like this isnt the landfill... and.. they look at you, you are like... starting to realize that things are mixed up.... but you try to play things off because you want to stay in control of what the feelings are... but you are not there totally like you just...
what a stupid thought...
this is not my thought, like this is not what i want to ask because im not wanting to word things so directly related to me... because im just totally scared that they will find out that im here and im feeling like this...

ok.. well...
say you love someone very much...
like this person is your mother.. perhaps this person is your mother
you... blah, thats another stupid thougt...

aight this is something that i have told others before, do you ever feel like you have a bunch of highways that are bringing in information and taking things out to the real world?
where as it seems that most "normals" only have 1 highway you seem to experience so many more?

some highways ONLY bring information in, some ONLY take information out, to make you seem acceptable and keep things in a calm correct way, while others are shooting information sideways and backand forth and the main highways froom the inner and outter are cluttered with birds and **** flying back and forth over each other causing the drivers to swerve and have accidents??
which causes you to go from appearing to have a nice time to just like WTF IN THE GOD DAMN HELL IS GOING ON and then being like wooaah dude you gotta chill... but its crazy because you are going through a million of things inside before it reaches the surface...?

hmm... does that make any bloody sense?
1 highway being the main which switches and the different highways bring in different information?

why is it so confusing... figured it was adhd stuff...
but i think it seems even adhders have the one highway, and their lanes just fluctuate... but it feels like more than that what i feel...

man my head is so... im so tired of feeling like this, i want to get some clarity and unity so that i can focus... want to say things and talk about things but how can you when you cant even speak english?
Bah!

how am i ever gonna know if im just a retarded mother ****er if i cant talk to others about what is happening... trying so hard, but im just... i think im failing even harder
know what i mean..?

my mind is really... i cant tell you what is happening inside... because i really dont know... but im just trying to understand you know?
want to make it better

i've read many things... trying to read about what the therapist says and stuffs...
i feel like i understand the emotion regulation stuffs... but even though i read about these things it feels like its lacking, why is it lacking? why it doesnt explain what im feeling.... its making me so... well i could say pissed off, but im not just pissed off because im depressed and sad and alone and scared and i just dont know what it could be anymore... much empty... empty because i feel alone... like this is a stupid charade... you know what i mean? everyone is out of the loop, even me... and no one knows what is happening, even me... and im trying harder than anyone to figure out what the charade is, but im just pissing everyone off along the way because i cant figure out what it is? and i end up getting pissed off because im just feeling like i should be smarter than this, should not be acting so retarded and not understanding whats happening..
but my memory is causing these loops thats allowing it to happen, because im in and out and i cant keep up with everything and i cant keep up with what i remember, because i forget what i remember, and forget what i forget, and i forget everything, forget fforget forget forget, and im just really getting tired because i have a lot of proof that there is sooo much wrong now...
just not sure how my mind can keep doing this when im trying at every corner to make it stop and to control it and really really MAKE IT STOP...
but you know... the more you fight and try to control it the stronger the resistance seems to feel... not even feel... but it just is, and it gets so strong that you arent even sure you know anymore, like... what resistance? nothing is wrong..? then you are really like ****ed when you remember the other things, because each time you come back its like wtf... thought i dealth with that... but no, i just turned some parts off and it didnt deal with anything, probably im just making everything worse and im not sure how to approach it anymore...

i am just trying to breathe though.... not a race.... i can figure things out.... as long as i keep trying and talking to people and them right...

im going to clearly keep dragging myself to the therapist as long as i can keep reminding myself multiple times a day... which works as long as im at the computer because i have posted notes on the desk saying the appointments...
but if i go away from my room, i go away, you know...?

but there seems to be side of me that remembers outside, like... i dunno, it doesnt take it seriously enough though... its just a thing, like everything else, just a thing... whatever... i hate talking about how i feel... never hear anyone else talk like this... so how can i feel ok about saying retarded things when im so... um... avoidant or whatever they say?

i just... well i will stop rambling.. yaaay for rambles
just one thing...
does anyone feel like they are just constantly dissociating...? like... almost like you dont need any triggers at all, you're just in and out... your back and forth... things shifting and changing... but all the while in this fog.... but when you ask someone like your mom, they are like, you seem fine to me, god that aggravates me so much.... because i really dont feel fine.... guess i feel like there are thousands of shadows following me around...

sorry if this is confusing... i havent been able to sleep well lately... not trying to make excuses though... cause i probably am just really retarded, so yeah... just not sure how to talk about things... i really never talk about anything....

[elevatedsoul]

[Luce]

Hmm, I can kinda relate to the highway analogy, or at least I have a highway analogy of my own in relation to me. I am diagnosed with both ADHD (inattentive type) and DID, and I often wonder how they interplay with each other.
I use my own highway analogy in relation to the ADD symptoms in that I frequently switch tracks of separate thought-trains, unrelated to my DID. For me the interplay with DID occurs when when we are triggered into a switch by thought associations. I don't know if that happens with the typical DID population or not, maybe it's quite typical - I just don't know. But we have a lot of 'thought deletion' and 'thought intrusion' because of the random association of thoughts into areas that trigger a protective alter to take over. It's like trying to walk through a minefield at times... there is buried material to be avoided, and sometimes the rapidly switching thought-trains drive us right over the top of them.
I am sure I explained that very badly! Oh well, it is what it is.

[elevatedsoul]

you didn't explain it no where near as bad as any of my attempted explanations

they still dont want to discuss my dx or whatever it seems.. i guess its just because things are wack and they need more time to really figure me out? i mean for 4 years they drilled that it was simply bipolar so now that im really pushing back about being mislabeled i guess they are just being careful... precautious..?

i was diagnosed with adhd-pi as well...so for a while i just was trying to write off some of these things as some adhd symptoms, but i dunno.. nothing ever seems to be complete for me, i did read a lot about adhd so im just not really sure how it can cause some of these feelings.. dont know what this therapist 'discovered' with her evaluation or whatever, but i did tell her that its kind of important for me to understand things because im a bit obsessive and just want to learn so i can understand myself and who i am or whatever.. i mean anyone that felt like this would start to get frantic about what the hell is going on.. look at the calendar, its been 7 months and 13 days since this year? and where did any of it go? where have i been? what a joke... 2016...? wtf

she did tell me that im dissociating but i have read alot about that too and i just dunno, you know..?
like i told her it seems like to me i have read everywhere that people have like attacks..? dissociation attack? for lack of other words..? comes over them and then retreats after some minutes or something..?
and i told her that and that it feels different whatever is happening to me because its not like an attack but a constant state of being... and she said that its like a muscle, when you use it so much you just get into the pattern of jumping straight to that muscle and activating it fully within milliseconds or something.. which i can understand using it more and more cause you to use it more and more and even more quicker... but i just feel so out of it all of the time... and i dunno if its possible, just havent seen any proof or heard anything that could validate my feelings and make me stop feeling like a dummy stupid fraud because what im feeling just isnt in any text books and no one seems to know what the hell im talking about...
thats why im really quiet most of the time... but im so weird because .. well im not even going to go into how things change because thats an whole nother can of worms or whatever

she mentioned that developmental trauma disorder involves alot of what im feeling... and also said something about borderline personality too... but she said that she wasnt saying i had those things, just that i share a lot of the same symptoms and she told me that im not alone and that there are others that feel these things... but i guess its hard to believe..
and guess they dont want to tell me anything definite because dont want to be wrong or cause me to freak out or something i dunno...
she said that its mostly women that come in with these kind of issues... so thats gotta make you feel good as a guy right...

thats why i keep thinking maybe its a brain tumor... or i have severe brain damage or something because it simply doesnt go away... at moments it gets really intense, really severe, but even the "good" moments im looking through a felted screen trying to hold onto the sense that reality is there and that im connected to it and that this really is my life, whatever life this is... even though i dont have memories and cant remember **** from minute to minute...
but i have like absolutely no memory... dunno how memory can be so bad...
people laugh at you and say its because you smoked too much weed before, and i just want to punch their brains out because im like how bloody retarded do you have to be to think its funny - and to think that weed could cause such a severe ... memory deficit.... i've talked to people that have the weed type memory troubles, but its only while they are smoking, and i even asked the doc how much the weed can effect it and she said that others that smoke dont report such a problem.. even if they do have memory problems its like the short term stuff right? not an entire life, not an identity issue, i can see an ex-stoner having trouble remembering if it was tuesday or Wednesday but dont think i can see them forgetting their name or what they have done or said constantly/repeatedly, know what i mean? i know im stupid and suck at trying to put stupid things into context so i dunno, giving up on people having any clue what im saying anymore because i dont even know anymore and im just getting weak and pissed at myself and tired of life... but i dont want to die... would like to know what its like to be happy before i do die... so im here and im going to the doc to try to figure out what to do... figure out maybe that i am real and this is real life and that this is my life and that there is something i can do to make it better... i just dont see how i can ever have a memory... or remember things.. i hate it when people laugh about me... guess its a good thing my memory is bad or i probably would be in jail lol...

im just getting really tired of this... not understanding myself... not knowing who or what i am... others not understanding me... probably not believing any word i say...
tired of it all... and i've been trying really hard for a while now to try to get a grip on whatever these things are so that i can try to gain some control... but the more i try the more i just realize how much im not in control and there isnt **** i can do about it...

really makes you want to just die so that it will be over... but knowing how things are for me, if i did die, i would just wake up in a different world with even more problems hehe...

man i sound super pathetic anymore..

probably not much more i can say to anyone here so my posts will probably disappear soonish... and wont have to be disturbed by any other nonsense from this person...
its just sad... im gonna die like this...
just always wanted to know what it was like to be happy...

maybe someday there will be someone that can understand me and explain myself to me so that i can learn to understand me or whatever, think im gonna go puke now... later gater...

this isn't a stupid thought or post, not at all.

in my experience, i struggle with words- i struggle to know what i want to say (i can write it down, but can't say it)

we have an alter who is not afraid to talk, and is not afraid to share her feelings- sometimes she goes over the top, but she gets it out and expresses herself.. i do wish i could see her more.

we also have this problem when watching tv.

watching soap operas or game shows and the littles are screaming at us " peppa pig!. dora the explorer!. bob the builder!" and we just can't consontrate

yesterday we had to fill out a form about mental health.

and our person who deals with past experiences and stuff... no where to be found

no where

[elevatedsoul]

i end up being so vague that im even vague with myself, there are things i want to ask about or say that i cant and i dont mean to be that way its just the way it is i guess.. im sorry about that, being so confusing.. not trying to confuse anyone, i just end up confusing myself a great deal i guess and it ends up making me feel really stupid so i usually dont say anything but im kind of in dire need of assistance and trying my best to reach out for information and help and whatnot..

i think that i have read that dissociative experience can be subjective.. so i try not to let the things i read or hear put me down too much since i cant really tell what im feeling anyway... but its difficult when you read so much because you are obsessive, and even more so when you are desperate... and everything you see and read just seems to not add up completely with what you feeling..

its like i just want that aha moment where i can finally rest and know that we have figured out whats wrong and can work towards some recovery plan or something so that i can have an assured future rather than... feeling like my life is over... im dead right now and im just trying to figure out some way to discover some humanity in there some where...

just makes me feel stupid because it seems that im just having too many problems with this, where others can come to terms with things... even if it is a misdiagnosis or something, im obsessive you know.. because i cant stand having misinformation... need to know exactly the synopsis you know what i mean?
if im sitting still, im losing.. its over... if i keep moving and keep pushing then i have a chance... im getting older and my life is just... i dont have a life, i dont have a memories or time line and i dont want to run out of time before i can atleast start over and maybe create a new timeline and hopefully find peace and be satisfied with some new life that i can start or something... but each moment passes and its gone, years pass and they are gone, years to a moment are no different... so you cant stop, if you stop you'll lose another 10 years and you'll be 37 years old and .. sigh... i dunno how to put it into words... im failing and my life is slipping away without me having any power or control over anything...
i just wanna be happy, why is that so much to ask for..

i hope that im not depressing anyone.. i know i feel terribly pathetic and im really depressed when im aware of whats going on...

there are lots of things i want to talk about but i cant, because of the obsessive nature i have and have read so many things i feel that i have contaminated my experience with words and experiences of others which may result in some form of confabulations, you know what i mean..? and the last thing i need is for other people outside of my body to start to put together confabulated ideas about what im experiencing ... especially the therapist... so im scared to talk to her or anyone about pretty much anything, i dunno what i talk to her about really but im trying not to give up and run and hide anymore...

im just lost and confused i guess... scared... upset...

when i went to the hospital, they told me that i need to just get a life, i dont think they meant it in a derogatory way, but it hurt me because they said that i JUST need to move out get a place to live on my own, get a car and drivers license, a job, self sustain, then i will be fine - and its why im never going back to another hospital again because they, as well as most everyone else that ever sees me, just dont understand me... and i dont understand myself so that doesnt help anything grrr...

i wish it was so simple as to just get a life, but how do you do something like that... i CANT drive... i have terrible phobias that most people dont even think about, people laugh at me when im riding in the car because i jump or cower in my seat, they dont understand why i dont want to leave my room, they dont understand why i feel the way i do, they dont know what my problem is because they cant see a problem for the most part besides when i absolutely refuse to do ANYTHING even getting out of the bed, then they are just like oh he's depressed again... need to make him eat...
but whatever... pathetic human being... i didnt eat for atleast 5 days before so i know im not gonna die if i dont eat.. i lost 10 lbs but so what... atleast no one bothered me for a few days... imprisoned in this mind anyway so moving out of bed or not i have to walk around with it all...

im just tired, im really tired... thats all i can say, im so tired.... and that doesnt even grasp the idea... it cant encompass the entirety of how tired i am... im exhausted on every level... i am drained to the core... i am frightened but have to stand tall with a stern expression to face off the evil that wants me to perish... when will i find peace...

my emotions are insane... how can you be happy about the same thing you are angry about, sad and scared and confused but completely enlightened

impossible... thats why i resort to this:::
this is not real... this is not life... i am not here... im not alive... this is a dream... a sick and twisted fantasy of some sort...
and i will go away.. i hate talking about things... if you talk about it then it makes it more real... i just dont want it to be real, that im like this, i want to wake up... please, im so tired

its a joke to be retarded and genius in one, how smart do you have to be to be stupid?
when does stupidity turn into ingenuity?

i have to stop before i piss myself off and take it out on myself... talking about things makes it real and validating these things is probably the last thing i need to do...
just wish i could make it go away.. and find the real me

a true life sentence... my prosecutors must be satisfied...

[elevatedsoul]

this:
Korsakoff Syndrome | Signs, Symptoms, & Diagnosis
know what i mean? stupid brain.....

but im trying to hold onto some thread of hope that this is all because im completely overwhelmed stressed out, out of options, have no way out, trapped, and that im going to die if i cant resolve this as a psychological issue... whether from physical health or just simply no way to sustain my life financially, nutritionally, structurally, no place to live.. no desire to live even... at that point im sure...
im just ready to give up though because i try and try and try and just doesnt seem to matter anymore...
whats the point? why keep trying? guess i like to suffer so i just havent killed off yet... guess i also would rather live secretly miserable suffering great agonies behind the curtains rather than dump all of my pain on anyone in the world that might care about me the slightest bit by suicide..
fighting something that is just futile to fight... well, here goes the last bit of hope...
welcome back hopelessness... atleast thats something i know i am, utterly hopeless... if the doctors knew how hopeless it was they would refuse to see me too... probably will end up just treating me the same way as before and just calling me in to give me 5 minutes to satisfy their ego or whatever that they visited with me and kick me out of their office all the same...

but maybe they will treat me different this time in treatment with different "team"... just hope i dont have to spend another 4 years just to discover that its not going to get me anywhere because i just cant do it - i would rather be dead than to live in this miserable hell.. sometimes it can be very easy to hate your life to the core...
but im not going to turn into a babbling cry baby going on and on about how its not fair...
rambling on about the nonsense i do already is more than enough...

guess i dont have anything else to add.. i guess this is why i have kept my mouth shut for so many years, because i simply shouldn't contaminate the world with this ridiculous misery i live in..
if i could just delete it and carry on with the masquerade, adopt the other way as a whole... no body would ever know... and everybody would probably be happier...

appreciate all the kind words... sorry that any of you are hurting...
dunno why the world allows such things to happen to cause such pain...


maybe next time
gotta buck up and quit letting some stupid **** come out because it just doesnt solve anything to talk about things.. showing emotion definitely makes things worse, so im gonna turn it all off..
guess i was taught all this stuff for a good reason..