It's oddly strange.. for me... been getting lost going places.. like my therapist alot lately.

I know I have been upset lately.. I have tried so hard to get everything under control.. so very hard.

I don't want to live anymore.. I know that. Life is so very complicated and I am so very isolated..

The long hard struggle of DID... the extreme isolation.. people that cannot understand... rejection.. is that not the worse? to be rejected in life.. stamped as "irregular".. like in the factory.. that is me.

The electric went out for a very long time.. and I get so scared... when I was little, I was locked in closets.. total darkness... never knowing how long.. when the door was going to be opened.. when light would come back... just never knowing.. sitting all huddled up on the floor.. not knowing.. just not knowing was the worse... if you could just see a clock.. and you knew.. it would be 10 minutes.. or 20 minutes.. you could last that long... but not knowing.. well it could be enternity couldn't it..

My alters are having terrible problems right now.. body memories are surfacing... yes.. of being sodomized when I was 12, 13,14,15... it throws my body for a loop sometimes.....

There aren't answers.. are there... God put an "unloveable" stamp on my forehead.. for all to see.. but I cannot see it.. it is just there.. for people to see..and be warned off...

yes.. I am having a difficult time.. and so be it...

I must have done something to "earn" this very bad time - God would not just let this happen... must be me...

[SeptemberMorn]

You definetely have a rough path to walk, Sweety, but it's NOT YOU. You ARE lovable! There's no such stamp on your forehead! *I* love you... never did see that stamp there at all!

Getting "lost" could very well be dissociation, Hon. It used to happen to me when I was going through some rough therapy. It, too, was going to my T's.

Body memories are HORRIBLE! Do you really have to go through them again in therpay? Just dealing with the facts is bad enough! Is there ANYTHING I can do to help you?

Tell "the little one" that my heart aches for her, reassure her that it's not her fault and that she, indeed, IS VERY LOVABLE!!!

[nothemama8]

Freewill it isn't you thats not loveable it's the action that where forced upon you, tell your T that you are having too much trouble with flash backs and want to go slower or just stop with the past, you need to go forward , do you have anyone that can help you get grounded?

[pachyderm]

> stamped as "irregular".. like in the factory.. that is me.

Irregular is good.

[silver_queen]

((((((((( Freewill ))))))))))

[RACEKA]

I'm so glad you stuck around. I can relate so well to your posts.

The memory problems are from the disassociation. I have that problems too. That's what my Pdoc told me. It can get real frustrating. I have trouble finding my car in parking lots, I don't know where I'm going when I'm driving, I get up for something and have no idea what I'm getting up for, etc.

God did not put an unlovable stamp on your forehead. God is love. He loves you no matter what. Bad things happen because he lets us make our own choices. Other people made bad choices, NOT YOU. Your making good choices by trying to heal.

You are loved!