[elevatedsoul]

One of the reasons I drank and smoked weed or other drugs is because when I'm sober I feel so strange.
So its like, Why not? Atleast There will be a reason to the strange feelings while intoxicated.

Sigh

So I sit here sober, Trying to avoid the trance that will consume me.
It's heavy, a depressing aspect of my existence.

When one wants simply no more than to just exist, but without the capability to be.

I am.

Sober.

[elevatedsoul]

its true, the feeling i have is like... autopilot, im here but im not here
its me but its not me
im doing things but im not, im just observing
so who is controlling the body? who is sending the messages to the physical world to move the body? who is the controller? who is the ... im trying to think of the word to name it... its like im sepperate, but i have a wire connection to the body and can send messages through it so that it operates, like a machine

the machine is blank, there is nothing there besides the receiving messages and acting on the requests

you know what i mean?
there are other connections that fight over sending messages too
but its like a lot, sometimes too much come through and i have anxiety attack...

does that make sense ?

[elevatedsoul]

i give up
i give in
it doent matter anyway
my brain is broken
why be sober... just do it, doing it

[kecanoe]

I've been sober for 30 years, just passed my anniversary date. For me, being sober has been a good thing. For one thing, I have avoided drunk driving. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in jail. Or to have the trauma of hurting someone.

Doesn't mean that it is all good, though. Struggling right now.

I think we drink is to quell the anxiety...the upsetness that comes from being an oddball so much that switching is like unacceptable.

The reality of being us is so hard to believe...so we drink, drank, drunk, perpetually.

Weve been only sober 3 years straight continuously (drug court) for the past 33 years trying a slow death....nope, not yet. :/

[elevatedsoul]

I'm having issues I think... I gotta see the therapist asap :/

Feel like I keep switching, but how can I switch if i don't have D.I.D.?

I don't think I have D.I.D. I only thought I was borderline...

Sigh, Happy Easter, I'm going to have a couple beers and try to relax.
Only got a 6 pack so that way I can't over do it.

We have 24 hours of sobriety...can barely sleep. :/

Borderliners have switches...extreme emotional switches but generally are triggered. OSDD maybe?

I can't take a drink...ever.

Drugs and alcohol throws more chaos on the chaos. It's an illusion and a lie that drinking makes it easier to handle...it just postpones it which causes more chaos.

It sucks not being "normal" it creates it's own stresses.

[TheDragon]

"Switching" in terms of DID is generally a switch of consciousness, so you typically get some amnesia and lost time. It's not something you feel happening. In some rare cases, or with lots of communication and therapy, you might start being co-conscious with whoever is out, but it's experienced like a form of depersonalization.

Keep in mind DID is the extreme end of the dissociative spectrum. One of the diagnostic criteria/symptoms for BPD is dissociation, and you describe a lot of that in your earlier posts. What you think are switches might be stages of going from grounded to extremely dissociative or extreme emotional changes which can occur with BPD.

[elevatedsoul]

Thanks for not judging me, I don't remember writing this but the proof is in the pudding :/

Im not trying to throw away my sobriety... I don't want to drink, I just dont feel anything for it.. no need for it, it has nothing for me if you know what I mean.?

My therapist has told me that I Dissociate a lot... and that i have borderline traits...

I'm trying to understand the dissociative aspect of my experience, but its confusing... I guess because im in the midst of the storm, difficult to get an outer perspective on whats going on currently