[elevatedsoul]

i feel so strange
therapist wants me to practice like pulling myself into the body, staying connected with the body... feeling the body...
but doing this really feels disorientating, its like parts of me are cut off, maybe alot of the bad parts, but it confuses me... and im kind of like... left alone, feeling strange... a little empty, like i dont know who im supposed to be.. or who i was before, i mean i just cant remember anything so how could i know?

i dont understand why doing something like trying to attach myself to the body is causing weird effects like that... maybe im doing the opposite and think im trying to be with it but im actually cutting things off and sepperating parts more, i tried to tell her i get that funny feeling.. and she said something like she wonders if its because im not used to feeling, all i know is things can be really disorientating... like feeling underwater.. or drunk.. or light headed... or dizzy... like im not here... but someone is here.. but its not who im supposed to be, but i realize it and i get disorientated... i dont feel too scared about it... maybe just a little because i dont understand... but im mostly confused..

and i cant tell anyone because i have tried to talk about these symptoms for a long time before really knowing anything about them and everyone just thought something was like wrong with my head, like just being crazy and weird or melodramatic and stuff..

so now i know a little more about things and i just dont want to even try to talk about it because its like ... people dont get it.. and it kind of irritates me because i dont completely understand how or why im doing it and then i try to explain just a little without making people freak out by talking about dissociation and they just be like oh i do that too all the time and im just like... i dunno.. i dont talk about it anymore because of i cant explain it and talking about it kind of makes me feel it more, like becoming aware of a hurt and it hurting more, and hurting even more because no one gets it and thinks that its just something im making myself do... like day dreaming or just being bored and not focusing, but i cant focus! and im not day dreaming, im just operating on a weird level.. you know?

but anyway... im sitting here now ... i think im tired..
dry mouth... and everything feels so strange... i think ive been in the body too long and maybe need to get out... feel so dizzy
but i dont really know what else i feel, i dont have a mood, i just am...

ive been trying to manage things.. but im tired so i think im going to go to sleep now..

just wanted someone to understand.. incase things are different tomorow, have to go to the doctors for blood work so im sure ill hit a bunch of speed bumpbs on the journey - probably be told they wont take the blood because of my bills and that will just make me get all depressed and stuff
and plus because of the sensory processing issues i have... easy to be too much...

but im doing what i can do, just wish people around me could understand... maybe help out a little... its so hard trying to do it all alone..
but i've always been alone... so i guess im used to it..

just gotta breathe slow and let go

thanks, rest well everyone
see ya later..

(((((((hugs))))

Grounding is good. DP/DR feels crazy. My mind as barrier walls in it that I can feel making me a stunted personality, and parts of my body feel phantom or nonexistent. What's even crazier is watching yourself do stuff like strumming infer, gestures, noises...

It's been 48 years now so I guess it's just my normal.

[elevatedsoul]

im sorry about writing things like this :/
i wish i could be more clear and in touch with things
but im just confused with all thats going on
alot of stress in life causing things to get all messed up..
but thats normal too, i dont think there was ever a point in time that things weren't stressful

i know that back in april when i was denied disability it really shook me up, for a few days i was a mess..(not that i really want to be on it but i dont have much choice at this point...)
i think i probably ended up self harming a lot but i dont really remember.. i just know that i became the biggest downer in the world, disgusted with everything because nothing really mattered, because my life is **** and there isnt really anything i can do about it... if only the past could be changed, but i always tell myself that if things changed in the past i would not be the same person.. and i like how kind, nice, and sweet i can be sometimes..
i just wish that i could be like that all the time instead of being so ... metamorphic..?

lately i have just been out of touch with myself i guess, but i have tried many things and i feel like i have startled the flock inside into retreat and hide from me and i am left with very little information on the happenings .. or possibly i have been put in a box and cut off because of how persistent and obsessive things can get, i dont really know...

dont really know anything, i dont know whats happening and wish that i could understand, to know so that i could know how to make things work out instead of things increasingly becoming worse...

but i have heard a bunch of times that therapy will make things worse, everything gets worse before getting better

if it keeps getting worse i feel like im going to pass out and lose complete touch for a long time, weeks, months.. hopefully not years... or maybe i have already lost touch and im too blinded by a dissociative veil to even recognize it

headaches are getting worse... symptoms are getting worse... ptsd type stuff isn't as bad right now but i think thats because of all the fog... like being doped up, tied to a bed in a straight jacket with a blind fold on... if that makes sense

dont even know why im posting because i cant make much sense, everything i say probably just makes me sound ridiculous... i know its ridiculous but im losing my life...
years... im 26 years old and i cant say anything about my past because its not there...
all i can say is that i went through a lot growing up, went through alot through teenage years... and going through a lot through my 20's...
i isolated myself alot since being a kid.. until foster care probably because those people i think probably wouldn't of let me too much, but i cant remember any of the time spent there either.. besides 1 flashback of me walking down the dirt road with the girl but thats probably because i had walked down the road with my mom so many times as a little boy..

my memories are all messed up and distorted, they aren't memories, they are like postit notes or whatever and i only have a few that give a few words of things so that i can pretend to remember so that everyone doesnt hate me for not "caring" enough to remember like its my choice..

i hate talking about time and memories, it makes me feel bad because i wonder what its like to realize time passing, to remember things... i cant imagine what its like, always having been like this

oh man, im derailing... sorry

urgh, i just wish i knew whats wrong so i could fix it
but i do feel like its going to get worse...
im scared that i cant handle it, but since i dont have a choice i have to..
im scared that my family definitely cant handle it, but i dont know what to do about that
dont know what to do if i wake up and am just acting super different and everyone looks at me like a freak
i've contained it in a way so far that probably just looks like i have anxiety sometimes or just get depressed sometimes
but its starting to happen to where i dont know whats happening and im scared that something bad is going to happen... i dont like burning bridges, i dont have many to burn..
so if i do burn the one or 2 i have, i'll be screwed...

why do i feel like this..? grrr..
its like being on the marry go round for too long, everything gets dizzy, you stop spinning and try to walk but you fall down because you are disorientated, does that make sense..?

going in and out of consciousness within seconds, sometimes i think my head is just going to spin off...

didnt do the doctor thing, plans changed, they always do since i cant travel anywhere by myself - i think they wanted to do it tomorow instead... im forgetful.. im just going to pretend like thats what they said so i can try to make myself wake up early..

sorry about the long post, i didnt realize how much i have wrote..
thanks for putting up with me, no one else that i can even think about talking to about things... besides the therapist but im trying to take it slow with her because speaking things outloud is different than typing it... hearing a strange voice saying things and sitting there wondering about what im supposed to say is hard, especially when my voice starts to go and not really able to speak

[elevatedsoul]

oh, i wanted to say i took the DES again the other day (sometime)
and i scored 67 ..
i've been trying to take it through out the year to see if it would go down but its been increasing
i dunno how many times i have done it but from what i can see i have scored in the 60s every time.. 67 i think being the highest yet

its odd how you can be feeling that stuff for so long and not know what it is and not really pay attention to it, guess its the same with how my memory is... but i guess i never payed attention to how bad my memory was because i was just paying attention to numbing the pain with alcohol and stuff

i always try to answer on the low end with that test as well so i cant really understand how its so high..
but on everyquestion im like hmm, yeah... yeah... yeah.... this is crazy, everyone does this stuff, i thought, -click click click-

guess everyone doesnt have such a weird view of the world, always thought i was different but... now i just think im crazy for real

anyway, ima go be quiet - a few billion words is enough for 1 night

hey elevatedsoul

you don't have to feel sorry for posting.

that's why we're here to listen and comment on anything someone posts no matter how important or how trivial

(((((hugs)))))

[elevatedsoul]

thanks, i know im not suposed to feel bad about posting.. especially on a psych forum, but sometimes i just really do..
for ever in my life i have been ashamed of some problems... and i wouldn't talk about them because when i tried to i would be told heinous things... just because i was trying to be open and honest, since im a very honest person and very sensitive... maybe the things people said to me back then werent supposed to effect me, but it effected me on a deep level... things like just disregarding what im saying... being 4 or 8 and talking about depressive symptoms someone should do something, an adult should help, but i had no one because everyone in my family is... well you know... no one could help if they wanted to because they needed help themselves...
so ending up dissociating all of that and going to foster care at 8 or 9 i had to try to adjust, what am i doing here? i can only imagine myself asking...
i have no clue, i dont remember any of that either... returning to the same thing when i was 10 or 11 or someting back at home i became ... really disturbed... shake me up a bunch of times why dont you?
hey nothigns wrong with you, snap out of it! we're taking you away from your parents, you will be with a nice family, no these are not your family, your father wants you back, you are going home... what... so im home, rage... rage is here... rage not want to put up with anything... LEAVE ME ALONE!!! NO IM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL... fight to blood with everyone... brothers we almost kill each other every day... very bad violence from all of us now... i have no control...
i wake up one day, This has got to stop.. i make it an end, no more fighting, im not fighting with you people anymore... Isolation, huh? yeah im fine, ill eat later...
years later after becoming alcoholic, abused drugs, started smoking stupid cigerets...
im sitting here, what happened to me.. not having a time line sucks..
i read an article about it some time ago, i think.. lemme see if i still have it.. 'Without a life story, a child is adrift, disconnected and vulnerable' - Dr Bruce Perry on the value and power of the Life Story approach - JKP Blog

urgh, got distracted.. have alot going on out here :/
gotta give them attention so i dont seem too ... off...
its difficult though because i would like to be alone mostly but i have to
talk with people here and everyone is having problems
i end up being like everyones shoulder, which is ok, but i dont have a shoulder myself ya know

so its late and some hours have passed since i wrote this earlier part and im not even sure what i was writing about, but im just gonna go to sleep... got a bunch more stuff to have to do tomorow...
i just wish my family could try to use their noggins a little, if people would just think a little then they wouldnt have such big problems with little things... but its ok.. i just keep telling them im not a professional and i cant be giving advice like that, keep encouraging to get profesional help, sucks :/

but... i guess its mainly that im ashamed of posting things about my problems, i have never been able to talk about my problems because i always have to worry about everyone else, so im not allowed to have problems.. but i have probably more problems than all ov them put together... i dunno if thats right or not ..? but i try really hard.. i just dont want to get depressed, i dont like those feelings... dont want angery to happen, i cant stop those things when it happens and i cant help anyone when it happens

therapist says that its not my responsibility, it never was, i was just a little kid back then and im still the child/son now... but now im older and i just feel more obligated, so its just all messed up :| people are not cool or understanding sometimes

appreciate you guys... if my brain is working better tomorow and i can get away ill try to figure out what i was writing earlier and finish it...

[elevatedsoul]

ugh
sorry, sometimes i don't make any sense at all

think that the stress is just getting to me.. im trying not to let myself post a bunch of stuff like that
seems to slip through my fingers even yet.. embarrassing

gotta stay focused, breathing i guess - i hate it when i write things and i know i wrote something but not sure what
make myself look pretty ridiculous sometimes

[Fuzzybear]

[elevatedsoul]

[Scotch]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

Fight on 👍🏼