[TrailRunner14]

Curious if anyone else felt this.

I've read so very many websites on dissociation. Ok. I am all of the questions they ask.

I've read so many books the past two years about dissociation and trauma and abuse. Ok. That's me too.

I've learned about all of the issues related to dissociation and trauma. Basically. I know that my childhood was horrible and I have been struggling with disorganized attachment all of my life. That basically sucks.

I've read. I've educated myself. I've learned the things to help me try and be ok when I get trigged and am not myself - to the best of my ability.

The question.

WILL I ONE DAY BE OK?!

Will there be a day that I can say, "I'm ok!"

Just curious if anyone has had that gift/revelation/freedom.

Please. Yes???

[Scotch]

We want to say "Yes" and that everyone can and should have a happy ending but...
we've kind of come to terms on our own that we have to fight for that. Of course, a proper therapist who specializes with our disorder can really help you folks out with helping reach that. The best thing we can say to you is that anything and everything worth having is worth working for so with that, we hope that you'll get to that point.

Until then, keep swinging your hardest. c:

[Luce]

Yeah, I reckon you could be okay one day. Some of my DID friends from a long time ago have healed well from their past traumas and now lead trigger free happy and fulfilled lives. They saw therapy all the way through to its natural end.

It requires a good t who knows their stuff around trauma and dissociation, and a lot of hard work from you. But I so reckon it can be done.

We personally are in a hard place at the moment, because we can't do the healing here.To do that we will need to move away from this physical location. And I can't right now. But one day I trust that we too will be 'okay'.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Curious if anyone else felt this.

I've read so very many websites on dissociation. Ok. I am all of the questions they ask.

I've read so many books the past two years about dissociation and trauma and abuse. Ok. That's me too.

I've learned about all of the issues related to dissociation and trauma. Basically. I know that my childhood was horrible and I have been struggling with disorganized attachment all of my life. That basically sucks.

I've read. I've educated myself. I've learned the things to help me try and be ok when I get trigged and am not myself - to the best of my ability.

The question.

WILL I ONE DAY BE OK?!

Will there be a day that I can say, "I'm ok!"

Just curious if anyone has had that gift/revelation/freedom.

Please. Yes???

i'm sure you've heard the phrase, nothing lasts forever.

it could take a year, or 50, but 1 day it will end for all of us (even if it ends with us dying, at least we've gone to a better place)

that's not me being dismal. it's just me pointing out, what ever happens, it will all end

on a personal level, i'm scared of being okay.

i mean.. what is life. what do i do with it. what do i enjoy doing. what is my ambition?

this goes back to a thread i think AC2 started ages ago. we can describe what our other insiders like, but when it comes to me..

[TrailRunner14]

Scotch, Luce and Shattered -

Thank you for the encouragement!

Some days, I do feel like I'm headed toward "ok" and then other days it feels like I'm freaking out, on the inside. It kind of cycles around. The thread was in a "freak out" place. Thank you for hearing me. Part of the "freak outs" is the feeling that there is no one that understands what it's like, and no way to know when this will be done/healed/recovered from.

As I said, I set out to learn as much as I could about what happens to me and why. In my silliness there was a thought that if I could understand it, I could control it. A realization came that I couldn't control it. Does understanding it make it any better? No. No it doesn't. Maybe that might even make it a bit more intimidating.

People do not realize that I don't choose to dissociate. They don't realize that I get hijacked, and don't even realize it until after the fact. They want to keep asking me, "When do you think you can just lay this down, forgive and get over it?" That question use to hurt me, because they didn't understand and I couldn't explain. Now. It makes me angry!

There is no way for me explain what it feels like, I don't have words to describe it. I guess maybe, it's kind of like trying to describe what colors look like to someone who cannot see.

Shattered - Your fear of being okay, reminds me of my not understanding what okay feels like. How will I know I've gotten there. What if I get there and realize I was much better where I was? That's a "rabbit hole" question - I know!

Luce - I hope you can find a provider that you are able to work with, without having to move! I hope there is another option for you!

I know, the slower you go, the more progress you make!! That is one of my counselors favorite sayings. My brain knows that it's true, but the rest of me is not happy without an agenda and an ETA.

Scotch - I will keep swinging!!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Curious if anyone else felt this.

I've read so very many websites on dissociation. Ok. I am all of the questions they ask.

I've read so many books the past two years about dissociation and trauma and abuse. Ok. That's me too.

I've learned about all of the issues related to dissociation and trauma. Basically. I know that my childhood was horrible and I have been struggling with disorganized attachment all of my life. That basically sucks.

I've read. I've educated myself. I've learned the things to help me try and be ok when I get trigged and am not myself - to the best of my ability.

The question.

WILL I ONE DAY BE OK?!

Will there be a day that I can say, "I'm ok!"

Just curious if anyone has had that gift/revelation/freedom.

Please. Yes???

only you and your own treatment providers can say whether ....you... will be at a point where you can say you are ok...

for ....me.... yes I reached a point where I was able to say I was ok. I reached that point many times depending upon my problems and what I wanted to accomplish around those problems.

my suggestion is contact your treatment provider. they will be able to help you to set your goals of what you want to do about your problems and then work with you on how you can accomplish those goals and maybe get to where you want to be in regards to your problems.

I am ok. if i can be, anyone can.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

I am ok. if i can be, anyone can.

Thank you Starry Night. I believe that for you and me too!!

[kecanoe]

Over the last month or so, I have actually had the thought several times that I am going to get better. I have been in therapy for 9 years, was diagnosed DID in 2011. T3 was surprised and sad that it has taken me this long to reach this point. I am not there yet. But just thinking that I will be there someday feels good.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Over the last month or so, I have actually had the thought several times that I am going to get better. I have been in therapy for 9 years, was diagnosed DID in 2011. T3 was surprised and sad that it has taken me this long to reach this point. I am not there yet. But just thinking that I will be there someday feels good.

My hope is that that's true! I'm sorry that it has taken that long for you too. I hope you get to that place of being ok. Whatever that looks like for you. To me it mentally looks and feels like it would be an exhale of .... "ok"

It's just a weird place to be. It's like the realization of what has always been, came flashing into my world a little over 2 years ago.

Then, there was this anxious feeling of trying to figure this out, understand it, get a grip on it. I don't know.

Maybe the more I understand and the more I can dissect the triggers, just makes me more aware to what has always been. More sensitive to the dissociation and actually feeling it. Maybe that is progress. Maybe that is a step toward being "ok"

It's like there is too much information in my head and I'm standing with a foot in two worlds. That sounds "out there" but don't know any other way to describe it.

Does that make sense? It's really a weird feeling. It's like living on two different planes.

[kecanoe]

Absolutely makes sense. I am a lot more sensitive to the dissociation. I often know that is what I am doing and sometimes I decide to stop it. I usually can. This is very different from where I was when I started.

The feeling of being on two planes or two different worlds is also familiar to me. Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself. Sometimes I feel like I am hiding when I am not.

It will get easier and less weird.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Absolutely makes sense. I am a lot more sensitive to the dissociation. I often know that is what I am doing and sometimes I decide to stop it. I usually can. This is very different from where I was when I started.

The feeling of being on two planes or two different worlds is also familiar to me. Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself. Sometimes I feel like I am hiding when I am not.

It will get easier and less weird.

Again. You give great encouragement!!

You affirmed with me that it is a work In progress. I truly wish I could feel it coming before my feet get clipped out from under me, but I pray that will come in time. It's like you get insight and understanding, and then blindsided again.

It will come.

Thank you kecanoe!

Idk. But life is what it is. You working for better? Then yes it will. Life gets better the more sedated I am. My better is different then your better, but its still better!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Idk. But life is what it is. You working for better? Then yes it will. Life gets better the more sedated I am. My better is different then your better, but its still better!

I agree!! Yes I am working for better. It's just weird in those times when the overwhelming feeling of "am I going to be ok?" comes. I'm
With you!! As long as we are pushing for better I believe that IS what we will see!

Thank you!