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#1
Sep 27, 2016, 06:57 AM
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 PsychNitrous, ThisWayOut
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#2
Sep 27, 2016, 08:41 AM
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Quote:
Elevated Soul  Hang in there...It's going to be OK...
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| elevatedsoul
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#3
Sep 27, 2016, 08:42 AM
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Elevatedsoul,
Don't forget we're here for you. We care about what happens to you 
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| elevatedsoul
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#4
Sep 27, 2016, 03:33 PM
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__________________
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| ThisWayOut
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#5
Sep 27, 2016, 06:02 PM
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| ThisWayOut
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#6
Sep 27, 2016, 09:58 PM
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just been too busy this month.... i need time off... but there is no time off... there are no breaks... to take a break is to give up...
all is as it should be... and as it should be is all... please give me a break...
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| ThisWayOut
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#7
Sep 27, 2016, 10:17 PM
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LOL
what what whaat
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#8
Sep 27, 2016, 11:43 PM
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__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
| elevatedsoul
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 elevatedsoul, Luce
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#9
Sep 27, 2016, 11:46 PM
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Those self harm pictures were a bit triggery. Are you okay ES?
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| elevatedsoul
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| elevatedsoul, TrailRunner14
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#10
Sep 28, 2016, 10:43 AM
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hey, sorry about that.. i wish that i didn't post things like that..
im ok, i've just been overwhelmed and trying so hard at the same time; so im sort of struggling with being such a severe and heavy hitting self critic i suppose i get upset because im not stronger, because i am told that i am very intelligent... people see me as a wise person albeit a bit eccentric in the fact that i push the limits of peoples intellectual and emotional understanding of the world surrounding us.. people say that i am highly talented and that i am a genius, yet i get into arguments with myself because what genius could allow these things to happen to them? what intelligent person cant sort through the emotional turmoil and handle simple things such as appointments? or day to day activities? im disappointed that i haven't made more progress... but the dedication that i am showing is still impressive... so i try to remind myself frequently that progress is here and is shown because years ago i would have folded severely and instead of dragging myself to the doctor i would hide in the woods or hide somewhere until the appointment time is over and then just be like well, i missed it, i will just have to make another one - or just quit going all together as i did before... im just feeling trapped and i dont like to feel trapped... backed into a corner is a bad place for me.. i want to see that there is another way of life, that i can actually have my own life and tear down the walls of the corner / box that im backed into.. being trapped is extremely triggering and im physically and emotionally trapped i've been self harming lately so i guess thats where the pictures come from.. but i am ok and im trying to keep myself from doing that, i just get into those places and thats what i end up doing; i am ok though, i appreciate your words and apologize for posting that.. i dont normally do that... should know better  I have been feeling extremely alone lately.. broken... im trying to remind myself that even if i had someone close and special in my life that it would not make me whole, it wouldn't fix my problems.. im not so sure why i have such a great desire to be so close to someone? i have never been close to anyone before in my life... last night i had a pretty nice dream, such a beautiful black haired girl held me after i chased her around for a while and convinced her to accept me, the sense of attachment i felt was so intense and a bit scary because it seems sometimes when you become attached to someone like that you just end up pushing them away, which she did end up disappearing so i dunno but it was just nice to lay there being able to hold someone close to me for a while  much better dream than the normal nightmares, i just dunno who this girl is and why she keeps coming to my dream world as its not the first time.. corny right? well, im hoping when i see the doctor tomorow i can remember the important things to tell her so that maybe she can give me some other med that can help some how.. thanks for listening, im hoping to get things moving in a better direction soon.. just gotta figure out how to manage triggers, maybe actually even get rid of them or get away from them.. wouldn't be cool to live on my own? i could just throw people out of my house if they started triggering me  
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#11
Sep 29, 2016, 07:09 AM
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im sorry if i sound like i am a fake, a fraud, manipulative jack of cards...
my life... well... this is why i dont like talking about my feelings... why i dont know what i feel half of the time... why i just want to disappear... i dont want pity... and i dont even deserve the concern... i have pdoc appointment in an hour... its just one thing... when i do say something... its not a game to me... yet i am made light of all the time anyway... yet those who dont have a voice and have support people get disturbed and upset when they do end it all... wonder why he did that... but they are so selfish that they cant even understand... and yet i dont think i even want anyone to understand anymore... i just wanna go away... far far far away...
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#12
Sep 29, 2016, 08:38 AM
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Thinking of you ES.
__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
| elevatedsoul
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#13
Sep 29, 2016, 11:51 AM
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wtf was i even talking about?
im losing my mind, geez... its so difficult pretending like everything is ok when its so clear that its not ok, but not able to remember any thing so im just covering my own *** trying to keep the secret i gotta figure out some way to fix things... why do i always have to be the one to fix things though? why cant someone else take a step back from their own agendas and just say "you know what? i totally understand, im not going to complain about myself and stupid unimportant non problematic issues and instead i'll support you!" one of these days i'll have my own life, one of these days i won't have these problems atleast i get along with the doctors and stuff... and atleast they seem to like me and want to help so thats something    Quote:
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#14
Sep 29, 2016, 04:17 PM
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You don't sound like a 'fake' or a 'fraud' at all. You are in genuine pain and you genuinely express it.
I don't think the two posting things were connected, ES.  How did you get on at the doctors? |
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#15
Sep 29, 2016, 04:40 PM
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i just dunno what i was tryin to say with that post this morning :|
reading it is like, huh? i like the doc im seeing now, she listens and doesnt seem to get angry that i can be a little obsessive over reading stuff and researching.. my case manager is cool too and the therapist is fun, i do feel guilty about not being able to remember what we talk about though she talked to me about how the cymbalta is doing, i told her its not help and things seem to be getting worse... again.. but i told her i could give it a little longer as i haven't had much luck with antidepressants anyway .. she's going to have me try pairing it with abilify.. ive never taken abilify so im a little nervous about having any side effects but i have read about it alot in the past and was interested in it a little.. she also mentioned the latuda wich is the other one i was interested in years ago but she said i seem so young to her that she wants me to try abilify first since its better for youngsters? not too sure what she meant about seeming young though..? im almost 27 years old ! getting an old man she seems to agree with the psychologists dx of adhd too though so im wondering if the abilify will help with those symptoms? hope that it can cut some of this depression and anxiety down though.. gotta get something to make the bad things stop.. if i can get my stress and anxiety down i would sleep better and i could have more energy to cope and handle stress and i could step further out on to "the ice" so to speak so that hopefully i can get my life under control and actually try to start having a life it gets scary sometimes trying to deal with all of this, but i guess im doing ok... they say im high functioning even though my symptoms are debilitating, agoraphobic and all that mess too which confuses me because im not understanding how you can be high functioning and unable to work/ live... but she keeps complimenting my intelligence level.. so i guess its just basically my ability to keep moving forward even though i dont want to sometimes..? i see her again for follow up in 2 months.. she mentioned using propranolol for anxiety and migraines, and that it might would also be good for me since i have high blood pressure (for some reason) and high cholesterol stuff.. i gotta fix my diet.. i dunno how i have high cholesterol because i barely eat... atleast everything else was perfect, thyroid, and stuff.. i hate stress :/ they are trying to talk me into doing a day program thing though which is making me a bit nervous because i dont like going out very much... being around other people too much... its just trust issue i guess... because i would like to do it but im just scared thanks for stating that i dont sound like a fraud... i feel so bad about things sometimes, so guilty... like its all fake and like im just being a pathetic lazy attention seeking loser or something... but thats a whole nother story.. guess im just not used to getting attention, my therapist says that im not used to meeting my needs or having my needs met so it makes me feel like that - but im working on it 
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