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  #1  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 03:40 PM
lucidity11 lucidity11 is offline
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what the **** happend everything I know is gone, everything i had is gone. what the **** am I doing here. my dog needs to take a ****. i guess that is what I am doing here. it's not enough. it all gone and i know I should start over but not as me not again. its all ********
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  #2  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 04:06 PM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Hug.
  #3  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 04:49 PM
Luce Luce is offline
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Take deep breaths, Lucidity. I don't know what has happened, but it will be okay. It will come back.
  #4  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 08:00 PM
lucidity11 lucidity11 is offline
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Originally Posted by Luce View Post
Take deep breaths, Lucidity. I don't know what has happened, but it will be okay. It will come back.
it wont come back and I think I just realized that. I am not the person I was five years ago. My **** is all over the place. even when I try I can't seem to keep everything going in the same direction. right now I am feeling like I just woke up to find that I am not that person any more and will never be. she was someone i made up to have the life i wanted but i don't have that life. my son my job my house all of it is gone. not what i wanted. not filled with love and safety. i wanted a family that was caring and loved each other in a safe warm home with some financial security. I don't have that. none of it. so i have to start over again or not Never connecting for any length of time. My life isn't what I had or what I wanted it to be. And I am only realizing it now. It's like waking up and it sucks.
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  #5  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 08:43 PM
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elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
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i know what you mean...
the everlasting waking life... exist between plains of existence...
is it to dream? or is it to life?

im sorry...
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wtf happened
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Out There
  #6  
Old Oct 04, 2016, 09:20 PM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucidity11 View Post
it wont come back and I think I just realized that. I am not the person I was five years ago. My **** is all over the place. even when I try I can't seem to keep everything going in the same direction. right now I am feeling like I just woke up to find that I am not that person any more and will never be. she was someone i made up to have the life i wanted but i don't have that life. my son my job my house all of it is gone. not what i wanted. not filled with love and safety. i wanted a family that was caring and loved each other in a safe warm home with some financial security. I don't have that. none of it. so i have to start over again or not Never connecting for any length of time. My life isn't what I had or what I wanted it to be. And I am only realizing it now. It's like waking up and it sucks.


May I just sit with you and say that I understand in a way. Not in the exact, same way as you, but what you said sure hits home with me too!

I don't want to burden you with why I say that I understand. If it's a comfort, please know that I'm here with you.

May I share this? Your realization, and mine (in the process of coming to light) is not a door shutting. I know - it probably doesn't feel like that right now. It doesn't really feel like that for me either. But. There is a part of me that believes that. Really wants to believe it. And. I would like to believe it for you too.

If that's ok.
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning
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  #7  
Old Oct 05, 2016, 07:16 AM
lucidity11 lucidity11 is offline
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Thanks for your kind thoughts.
  #8  
Old Oct 05, 2016, 07:18 AM
lucidity11 lucidity11 is offline
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I do have this question. Who the hell am I? Will I slowly fall back into the fog that has been my life for at least the last ten years. Right now I am ****ing furious. And what about my parts. Am I a part?????? I don't fking know. I am ****ing furious.
  #9  
Old Oct 05, 2016, 02:25 PM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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I understand what you are saying. I also think that I understand your anger.

I've found myself wondering, "When am I going to feel OK again?" "When will I feel normal again?" You described it very truthfully to me. "Will I slowly fall back into the fog that has been my life for at least the last ten years." I feel that way with you. My fog has been my whole life. I'm feeling pretty pissed off myself!!

Maybe this is a good place to be. I've never been ok or felt safe being pissed off about anything. It was not ok and I've never experienced the feeling of it the way I am now.

I'm angry because of the fog of my life. I'm angry that I've come to this point of realizing it.

Like you, I find myself wondering, "Who the hell am I?" It's hard for me to hang on to "me" and know it's "me" and not a part of me too. I'm not really sure right now who that person is. I do know that I can't go back. It's strange that a part of me looks back with some feeling of wanting to go back to what I thought was normal, but I can't after what I've walked through this far. That also makes me really pissed!!!

Maybe if I just let the anger out, all of it, and quit trying to push it down or ignore it, maybe that would - I don't know. I don't know what it would do actually. It sounds freeing in some way. Honest. Almost strong.

This place that I've come to is a hard place, and I do want to believe that it's a place of something new.

Forgive the rambling. You have been in my thoughts today. I hope you are feeling better.
__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning
Thanks for this!
Out There
  #10  
Old Oct 05, 2016, 02:50 PM
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Out There Out There is offline
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I know this and its difficult.
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"Trauma happens - so does healing "
Thanks for this!
TrailRunner14
  #11  
Old Oct 06, 2016, 05:36 PM
Anonymous48690
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucidity11 View Post
it wont come back and I think I just realized that. I am not the person I was five years ago. My **** is all over the place. even when I try I can't seem to keep everything going in the same direction. right now I am feeling like I just woke up to find that I am not that person any more and will never be. she was someone i made up to have the life i wanted but i don't have that life. my son my job my house all of it is gone. not what i wanted. not filled with love and safety. i wanted a family that was caring and loved each other in a safe warm home with some financial security. I don't have that. none of it. so i have to start over again or not Never connecting for any length of time. My life isn't what I had or what I wanted it to be. And I am only realizing it now. It's like waking up and it sucks.
(((Huggs))) if it's okay....I know exactly what you mean....and everything else that I woukd like to say is just fuel for the fire. Utter pure frustration. Denied. It sux. We are here with you.
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