[L.P.]

I don't know if this needs a trigger warning or not. I'm not in a great place at the moment.

The last few months have been bad, then worse, then back to just bad. Life has been awful. Two uncles died. Some crap with my disability left me short on cash and I have not had enough to eat for two months. Family being around and lack of food set off my childhood crap and make bad things worse. I think my water is gonna get shut off. I'm really hungry. I lost the twenty some pounds it took me two years to gain... gone in two months of not being able to afford food. FML. The spouse is suicidal because his car is going to get repo-d. My grown step son is living here, not contributing at all and making me and his dad crazier. Loud neighbors moved in next door and I have sensory issues and the volume has my heart rate constantly elevated. The list goes on.

I process emotions with the grace and skill of a frickin ashtray and I ended up in the er last week because of the muscles in my back swelling up and a headache that made me literally bang my head into a wall. It was the only thing that stopped me from pacing and sobbing. I puked my brains out. My head still hurts like hell but I'm not pacing or puking. I know it has to just be in my head. They scanned my brain and it's not a tumor. No legions or anything. It has to be me being a freakin nutcase. My crazy is making my head hurt so bad I beat it into a wall. This is my life lately. That is my normal lately.

Internal things went from bad to worse to silent. I know why everything went quiet. I mean, hell if I could jump ship right now and vanish I sooooo would. I'm not mad. I'm just by myself in every way shape and form right now and I am sooooooo not equipped for this crap. None of it.

I'd check myself into a psych hospital, but I can't afford it. I have no where to go. Nothing to do to fix this. I don't know how much more i have in me too keep living life this way. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just can't keep doing this. I'm going to shut down if I don't get some kind of something that isn't awful really soon. If I could quit, I would. I'm done. I'm weeks past done. I'm just going to hole up in my head and not come out. I want a break. I want it like last month.

I have no idea if this is me having a full blown breakdown or what this is. I know this is not a panic attack because they do not last for months at a time... right? Does anyone know at what point does it go from being just stressed out to a breakdown?

[leejosepho]

I know all about "hole up in my head and not come out" for as much as a full year...but I did not have to be concerned about food or shelter. I have no solution to suggest, but you definitely have my empathy and compassion.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I can relate to how you feel... For me stressed is constant. Things keep happening like always. Full breakdown, things get really bad...I go in and out of consciousness, feel scared and out of control. I am not really me anymore. Blackness is very dark feel trapped. Lights come back on and I am surrounded by chaos. Then eventually I slip away into a deep peaceful sleep. Somewhere that I can smell the ocean and I am at peace. Usually when I wake up, weeks to months past, but things are back to my normal. I sometimes get told who/ what was here in my absence and what they were doing. If it's not over yet...I slip back usually quickly..If it is I stay longer..either way, I don't care anymore/ not stressed by the other parts. Don't care about anything except that peaceful place where I sleep dreamless near the sea. If it is my time to be awake and in control back to stress and worry, but can handle it for however long I am here bc I feel rested rejuvenated. Then the stress and pressure starts to build again. And round and round we go.

(((Huggs))). Hoping things take a turn for you.

My breakdowns are usually at the point of extreme anxiety and not emotionally accepting reality as it is. We get caught up in a box that gets smaller week by week, day by day until it's so small, one thought could barely fit in it....then melt. Is it a bipolar thing? Probably...but Susie is always there when we have these breakdowns.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

That's a better description AC2. Thanx. Think that what we were trying to say but u know how things easily just veer of course!

[L.P.]

Thank you all. I'm still not sure if this is a breakdown or not. It really is hard to gauge if this is serious or me overreacting. I lack the skill set to appropriately discern these things.

I very much relate to stressed being a constant. I think I was doing okay for awhile there, but that was months ago maybe longer. My handle on time leaves things to be desired. I also relate to the repeat cycle... round and round we go. Looking back over the years, we have a major host shift now and then when the one ding life cannot do it anymore. With us, one goes away and another takes their place. Only one of us has been a repeat host type though. Usually they just go away and do not return.

I am not sure how to hang on and ride this thing out, whatever it is. I slept fifteen hours last night and have only been up for about two hours now and already want a nap. Right now I am calling today a good day because not only did I eat breakfast (spouse brought me a doughnut) but I got dressed as well. I also have not had any moments where I find myself sobbing hysterically and I have not thrown up today so there were multiple wins today. I'm torn because I want to call those things good things and focus on yes, they are good things. Then on the flip side I want to scream because a good day to me consists of not melting down and throwing up.

I need to stop that. It is good. This is okay. It will be okay.

Veda

great to hear from you LP

sorry you're not doing so well, but hopefully things will get better

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((LP)))
We're going thru a full blown meltdown atm as well.... We're here if you wanna talk, scream, rant whatever

[L.P.]

Thanks you guys. Veda aint here right now this is Gwen. I got this under control atm. Its been a big ole mess round here. I aint real happy bout how all this been playin out but whatever. No real harm done no foul no thing we can get to bouncin back from i think.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

Thank you all. I'm still not sure if this is a breakdown or not. It really is hard to gauge if this is serious or me overreacting. I lack the skill set to appropriately discern these things.
Veda

maybe it would help if you knew what the definition of a mental breakdown is in your location....

here in america the term mental breakdown in psychology means extreme short term depression brought on by stress.

symptoms include overwhelming sadness, uncontrollable crying episodes, agitation/ anxiety, insomnia, loss of interest in usual activities, panic attacks, hallucinations, delusions, loss of appetite.

when symptoms last longer than a week the problem is re diagnosed as being a depressive disorder (there are now 8 different depressive disorders) a bipolar and related disorder (there are now 7 in this category) or a schizophrenic spectrum disorder (there are now 8 disorders in this category) or an anxiety disorder (there are now 8 disorders in this category)

my suggestion is contact a treatment provider in your location. they will be able to tell you whether this is a mental breakdown or a longer term/ longer lasting problem. the good news is that if this is a mental breakdown the treatment is antidepressants, it may take some time to find the right one but with or without the meds if it is a mental breakdown you will soon start feeling better.

[L.P.]

Thanks but we cant do no antidepressants. Been there done that for the ocd thing n had real bad side effects. Cant do ssris, sssnris, tricyclics, none of that. Plus we aint got cash for light bulbs cant afford no t or doc or nothin. Id rather have flour to make bread then a psych doc shovin pills down my throat gonna land me in the er or have me sittin here pickin invisible mites outta my eyelashes. Pills aint our friends for real.

Im thinkin she done had a breakdown cuz she keep holin back up in the head. She dont normally pull stunts like that. Aint sayin she stunt pullin just sayin this is abnormal for her. Like real abnormal. Most times ole girl keep her stuff in check but she all bent outta shape lately n cant say i blame her. If ima go by your list of symptoms tho, cant say for sure bout some of em cuz Veda dont feel depressed/sad/anxious what cuz of her emotion probs n all that (she prolly got that alexythemia thing) but she did have cry spells, lack of sleep, hallucinations, delusions, n junk like that. N it all was brought on by stress.

~Gwen~

[Luce]

You know what, I reckon the outside real world stuff you are all dealing with is enough to make anyone want to crawl into their head and never come out. I am so sorry that your country - wherever it is - doesn't look after its people and you have to live like this. it sounds so so so so hard. That's a heck of a lot of stress to carry. and that's only the stuff on the outside!!
I hope veda and you and everyone else find a way to be okay.