[Michael W. Harris]

Currently I am a severe alcohol abuser. I have been trying to get mental health treatment since 1992. I know that drinking on top of mental health problems is idiotic! But I live with suicidal emotions daily now because of total isolation in life. I absolutely have no one to talk with. This has been going on continually for the past ten years. Actually I have been alone for at least 60 percent of my adult life. Well maybe 50 percent.

The drinking distracts me from the suicidal emotions and loneliness. If I could get into a good treatment program for my dissociative disorder, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD it would help me stop drinking. I cannot get help. I also deal with all the symptoms like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, sometimes delusions, etc.

My saving grace was that my Dad was a workaholic radiologist so I am not homeless yet. Actually next year I can apply for early social security. I will be poor but not homeless. Currently I see no chance of getting back to work.

I feel like I constantly have to apologize for my beer abuse because if it wasn't for my Dad I could not afford it. I feel guilty also because since 2005 I have been getting free medical care in the VA system. I do not feel guilty about the mental health treatment from the VA because they could have gotten me back to work at the VA Clinic in Lake City, Fl. with appropriate treatment.

[TrailRunner14]

I honor you for your service to our country!! I want to also say that my heart is sad for the treatment of soldiers who have served and are in need of service for themselves.

Is there a branch of the va that offers help in that area?

I also understand the abuse of beer. Me too.

[DechanDawa]

It is understandable that alcohol helps because it affects GABA receptors and calms the mind, and you sound like someone who ruminates a lot.

You also sound a bit conflicted. Like you would like to be a non-drinker but cannot imagine it.

I stopped drinking for 10 years because it was a problematic stress reduction device. I then drank socially but this year I am going to abstain again because I am training for a half-marathon.

Alcohol has you. It sounds like that to me. If you want to beat it down you have to declare war. I went to AA for 18 months even though I never thought I was an alcoholic. It is a great way to get out of social isolation. You don't have to say a word. You can just sit there. I don't think I spoke for a whole year in any AA meeting.

Once I broke the addiction alcohol never had me again.

I did have to get off benzodiazepines and coming on Psych Central helped me.

Great for you that you won't be homeless. As I have stated in other threads I feel like that is where I am headed if I don't get my **** together. It is scary as hell.

My concern about you is that you are going to rot alive in a living grave. Such a waste. You can do stuff. Set goals. Volunteer. Write. Have pets. Fix up your place.

I just posted about 30 threads about my struggle to come out of depression, to climb out of a deep dark hole, to work a new job. This week I have called crisis hotline people and on-call counselors with my health care provider. Today before getting to work I called two crisis hotlines just to talk to people about how I am feeling.

If you want to get out of the spot you are in you can do it...but you have to be willing to fight for your life. And that is hard because you have allowed yourself to become weak. I am just telling it like it is. Stay in touch with people here, and explore crisis hotlines. I talk to total strangers but they understand what I am going through and they are great people. There are great people out there. Maybe you will find some in 2017. Good Luck.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Michael W. Harris

Currently I am a severe alcohol abuser. I have been trying to get mental health treatment since 1992. I know that drinking on top of mental health problems is idiotic! But I live with suicidal emotions daily now because of total isolation in life. I absolutely have no one to talk with. This has been going on continually for the past ten years. Actually I have been alone for at least 60 percent of my adult life. Well maybe 50 percent.

The drinking distracts me from the suicidal emotions and loneliness. If I could get into a good treatment program for my dissociative disorder, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD it would help me stop drinking. I cannot get help. I also deal with all the symptoms like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, sometimes delusions, etc.

My saving grace was that my Dad was a workaholic radiologist so I am not homeless yet. Actually next year I can apply for early social security. I will be poor but not homeless. Currently I see no chance of getting back to work.

I feel like I constantly have to apologize for my beer abuse because if it wasn't for my Dad I could not afford it. I feel guilty also because since 2005 I have been getting free medical care in the VA system. I do not feel guilty about the mental health treatment from the VA because they could have gotten me back to work at the VA Clinic in Lake City, Fl. with appropriate treatment.

I think everything Dechan said is nail on the head.

You have to get ready for another "war"....and fight this one as every other one..as your life depends on it!

Just one thing to add...do not feel guilty, alcoholism is an illness and can be a symptom of another disorder as you mentioned the other mental health conditions you are suffering from.

However, it does have to be dealt with other than pushed under the rug.
When people like me (that also struggle with alcohol abuse) say don't beat yourself up..it doesn't mean...do it again...lol.

It means...keep trying because alcoholsim is progressive. We are here in this spot and if we keep drinking we will be further down the road in the future, experience more sadness and possible homelessness or worse...death.

Take a hold of your life back. Start making steps toward being sober.
I heard the mention of AA for social support and I think it was a great suggestion.

I truly believe going to AA kept me sober for the 8 years I had of sobriety...so don't knock it until you try it...OUR WAY DOESN'T WORK.

I'm with you OP. Our system are devout alcoholics. Alcoholism is a disease....like my ex says...mental illness in a can...and we drink waaaay to many cans like an 18 pack a day.

I like the effects produced by alcohol....it calms me, the internal struggles melt away, and numbs the pain.

We have quite a few alcoholic Others in here and it only takes one of us to get us drinking even if a few wants to be sober. This has made it difficult to quit smoking, drugging, and drinking of which it took us 20 years to finally quit the first 2.

What everyone has said so far is true. Instead of making it so final sounding, I'd rather look at it as stopping drinking, one day at a time.

We are going back to meetings starting tommorrow because we met another person who is going to start going...an accountability partner. Just on my own we will never make it.

For a lifetime (48 yrs) since I started drinking and drugging as a teen, I got 3 years of sobriety through AA. My ex started drinking so did we a couple years ago....and I miss sobriety.

90 meetings in 90 days...just suit up and show up even if you don't want to.

Meetings trigger dissociation, anxiety, and switching...but I still go. I really don't have to say anything....but not being alone helps.

I wish you best of luck and hopefully treatment soon.