[yagr]

I cornered my very reluctant T into sharing that yes, she thinks that we may have other alters that we don't know about yet. I had considered it - there have been signs but I have steadfastly ignored them for decades. Lately, there have been more - or else I am not ignoring them quite so well.

My T would prefer that I find them organically if there are more - but her opinion matters to me. It turned out to be the impetus I needed to decide to put out an invitation to any and all who might still be hiding. Then I found out that I couldn't do it.

I wanted to put out an invitation assuring anyone there of love, acceptance and safety. I immediately became aware of a reluctance that spoke of anything but love and acceptance. I found myself hoping that, if there were others, that they wouldn't be male. I don't feel anything that resembles male energy, but on principle, I couldn't send out the invitation feeling that way and so I talked to my T about that yesterday - looking for ways to fix that.

Possible trigger:

I've thought about it all week prior to our session and came up with a few ideas. First, I was bullied unmercifully by boys when I was very young. I distanced myself from them. Second, all the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child happened to me because I was male. Third, I have contempt for weakness within me and that is tied inextricably to my idea of maleness.

Nothing resonated as THE answer but I took it to session with me and we discussed it. I asked for techniques to get to the bottom of it and she suggested free writing - I agreed and we headed home. It's a long ride home btw, about seventy-five miles. Here was the e-mail I sent her when I got home:

I figured it out last night on the way home. It took sixty miles of driving. Sonseearae was helpful – she referenced the saying, 'twenty miles in, twenty miles out' and then pointed out that it must have been pretty deep cause it took me three times longer than twenty miles....and then further pointed out, much to her delight, that she did another equation. Pfft!

Such a pleasant feeling when you are searching for an answer and you experience that feeling of resonance and you know that part of the search is over, you know? Anyway, so here it is:

I don't know how to express love, affection or even warmth to a young boy in such a way as to protect both our feelings. Him from feeling threatened and me from feeling triggered. I know you know – but to recap in the interest of a complete thought: sexual abuse rarely begins with sex. It begins with touch, escalates to inappropriate touch, the erosion of boundaries, etc. I can scoop up a little girl in a hug..but it's different with a little boy.

I can work with this and move forward. I'm going to sit with these feelings for a little bit before I send out invitations but yeah, I'm shopping for stationary now. Hmm, no shopping...Sonseearae just asked to try out her Christmas crayons and make the invitations herself. Great idea! We haz plan.

Thanks for being a safe place to share this - we need safe places and treasure them.

[Luce]

Oh yagr. It is so hard to wade into the inner territory. Do you have some armor? Some safe places? Some magic tricks to protect you from the pain?

I want to share this with you:
Last night I was looking at a picture my brother posted of himself yesterday, and remembering the little boy he once was. All four of us children were sa'ed by our father and others for our entire childhoods, and as I was looking at this picture of my brother I recalled a memory I had of him.
This brother was so full of rage as a young teen. I always pictured it as intense colors swirling around him that lashed out at anyone who came within striking distance. I recalled a day when I realized that these colors of rage were not who he was. At the heart of the swirling mass of anger was a little boy, alone, curled up, and sobbing on the floor... this boy was so broken, so overwhelmed with shame, and so hurt. And I realized I did not need to be afraid of him, but to love him. This boy needed love so very, very badly.
But I was but a child - and a younger one than him - and every time I tried to reach the little boy I was swallowed by the colors.

I hope my brother has found a way to reach that little boy inside of him. I so hope that little boy isn't still there, all alone.
And yagr... I hope you will find a way to reach yours: He needs you.

[Luce]

yagr, I wanted to add that none of the sa happened because you were male.
It happened because a person chose to break the law and hurt a child. 'Maleness' caused nothing. An abuser/abusers did.
It so very, very wasn't his fault.

[yagr]

Luce, thank you. Want to say more - going to be kind to myself and take a little break though.

[finding_my_way]

i didn't truly realize how many i had and still don't think i know them all. it has taken years with some going quiet and old ones still active/growing with new ones emerging as well.

it is a long process and can be so exhausting, confusing, and painful.

i have had to try to be patient in getting information from inside as i don't have a lot of communication where i am actually told things. it comes from things i can sense from the others or things i hear them say which isn't a lot/often. it can cause me to doubt myself too at times. things also seem to change a lot with new pieces i get.

I believe that people have more alters then they think because it seems that some get so buried because the trauma was so bad that they don't want to emerge or as in my case of a poly-fragmented mind.

I've never had therapy so I don't feel like I'm qualified to say anything about that.

I have epiphanies too, like tapping into a universal truth that I was too blind to see the obvious, or duh moments.

I hope it goes well with you.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

From the Vicki files, we apparently have a lot more than I truly realized...but some of these parts are fully internal or have only seen evidence reports of them appearing in front once or twice that has been written told..but I think they have very very specific triggers..so they rarely show? Or maybe they are out all the time and are just really good at blending smoothly?? Idk. ((((Yagr))) having a hard time remembering details right now.. but we hope the little boy stops crying soon. We don't like when Peeples are scary or have sads...we sends tod him with kleanex to wipe tearrs and boogies aways.