[yagr]

Not an easy post for me to make so it'll probably be short but here goes...

My T and I have been working very hard over the last year and we have uncovered two more alters - bringing the system total to four. After over a quarter of a century confident that there were only two of us, putting this out there is difficult. I take a great deal of pride in knowing myself (ourselves) and I have found this omission in self-knowledge embarrassing and shameful.

That said, can't save face and your butt at the same time and so I'm telling on myself here today. In the interests of being respectful and making some sort of amends to the two I have ignored for so long I'll share what I know.

There is a little two year old boy who, as near as I can tell, doesn't speak - at least to me. In many ways, he feels like he is Sonseearae's alter instead of mine. But he is real and important. I don't know what his job is but I do know that he lives in a near constant state of terror...although there have been the occasional guarded smile lately. I did get his name the other day on the way to my T's office this week via Sonseearae; it is Micah.

The other is a young, teenage girl. When we arrived at my T's office the door opened to let her last client out and then she always closes the door while she makes notes and closes her computer up for privacy reasons. It usually takes only about a minute before she re-opens the door and invites me in. It was in that minute that she let me know her name; it is Lori, with an 'i'. She was pretty adamant about the spelling. She shared her job with me two weeks ago without giving her name and, though I didn't anticipate it, it does make sense.

Anyway, not as short as I thought it would be. I want to thank you all for being a place I can share this.

[Luce]

Hey, good on you for choosing to 'save your butt' over choosing to 'save your face'. I like your commitment to yourself. I have always admired that about you. Your commitment to Sonseearae has been a learning experience for me. You have her back. No matter what, you protect her with all that you have.
In that context I can understand why it is so difficult for you to not have realized or known that there were others. All I can say to that is that if it were best for you to have known, then you would have. It isn't a sign of 'failure' or weakness that you didn't know about these two before. I think it is more a sign that you are reader to face more difficult material.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hey, good on you for choosing to 'save your butt' over choosing to 'save your face'. I like your commitment to yourself. I have always admired that about you. Your commitment to Sonseearae has been a learning experience for me. You have her back. No matter what, you protect her with all that you have.
In that context I can understand why it is so difficult for you to not have realized or known that there were others. All I can say to that is that if it were best for you to have known, then you would have. It isn't a sign of 'failure' or weakness that you didn't know about these two before. I think it is more a sign that you are reader to face more difficult material.

Thank you. For responding and for your response. I value your participation on this forum and like to think that we'd be friends if geography was more cooperative.

T and I have talked about it some and I was gratified that she knows me well enough to 'get it' but she nailed it...you are ashamed because you didn't know and knowing how unuseful shame is, you're feeling shame for feeling shame. Yup.

But you know, and I just realized this... there''s a good chance that Micah and Lori are aware of the shame and they know where it comes from. Their knowledge of that sincere feeling might serve us well moving forward as I try to bridge the gap and heal the wounds left there by neglect...so maybe shame has some value here after all.

Hey you fine you did good. We have a common belief that there is always one under a rock/ in a closet/ under the table somewhere.

Me....the numbers are sheer depressing that we quit thinking about it.

It's kewl that you took another step in self discovery...we are scared that way.

I hate keep talking about ourselves as selfish like...but just trying to be relatable.

But awesome for you.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I hate keep talking about ourselves as selfish like...but just trying to be relatable.

I do the very same thing. I believe that finding ways to connect with others can only be a good thing.

Originally Posted by yagr

I do the very same thing. I believe that finding ways to connect with others can only be a good thing.

Just seeing weird notes are a constant remibder of how messed up we really are. Ignorance is bliss...even though we are learning to be responsible for our independant actions....finally.

[ruh roh]

Yagr, I think this is a positive sign, not something to be ashamed about.

It takes a while to find everyone. I bring things in to therapy that are unlike anything else we bring in that a certain one likes to make and my therapist asks, who did this, it's not X's is it? And I say no, it's not hers at all, but I don't know who made it. And so, it's sometimes just evidence and then we wait until more can be learned.

It's all good. They have always been there--hiding, rather than me just choosing not to see them. And now they can be known.