I hurt his feelings

So, I've been married since 2002. I don't remember moving in with the guy, buying the house with him, marrying him... I was a different me back then. We had a rather major host shift a few years back and here I am now, so yeah. Anyway, he knows this. He's been a champ and then some in dealing with me over the years whoever me might be. Mostly he treats the resident 'me' as the 'me' who was there before... except littles or teens, of course, but he treats the resident adult who is living life as the same as before. It's like we're all the same to him.

This weekend, I really did hurt his feelings. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to have a talk about this one thing and I have made it clear over the last three years or whatever I have been doing a lot of the life living that I am not the one he married and that I think, feel, relate, interact with the world/people/whatever different than the ones before me. I thought I was effectively communicating and that he understood. I was wrong. He and I have had a huge communication mishap go down. We both failed to understand where the other was coming from. He did not know or believe me or I dunno what when I told him how I lack a large part of the memories he and I have had over the years. I just have zero connect or recall to so much of that stuff. I told him this. Maybe it was too much for him to handle. I dunno. I told him I do not feel the same in regards to a lot of the stuff that the one he married felt. She and I are very different in a lot of big ways. I think it hit him hard for the first time that I really am not his wife. Which is weird because I am. I mean, it's not like when previous hosts leave the new one pops out in a brand new body or something. This stuff confuses me, I can't imagine how much it must confuse him.

I dunno. Despite the fact I totally shook his whole little world upside down and sideways and all ways but right.... I think it's a good thing? I've been telling him over these past few years I'd like to take time to get to know each other and connect and so on. I think he really gets it now. There's so much about him I am clueless to because he never told me and so much he doesn't know about me because he is not a fan of talking. I mean, to him, we are in the comfort zone of marriage where you know everything about the other... for me, it's barely at the three year mark. This is new to me. Just because he told 'a me' about x, y, or z, it does not mean I know it. And just because he 'knows' x, y or z about me, doesn't mean he really does. It just means he knows that about some version of me who is not exactly me. Reality is, he doesn't know much about me either. I'm not happy how this stuff came about, but I'm happy it's finally getting addressed. Maybe some good can come from this.

So yeah. Weird weekend.

Any of you have that happen? You come around, get treated like some other you while trying to live their life and have people treat you like you are some other you? How do you deal with this? I thought I had a good handle on it, but I found out I was wrong and then some. I was so clueless as to how wrong I was dealing with this with him. Any tips or ideas about this kinda thing? Best I got right now is to try to gently nudge him in playing the getting to know you game... asking him to get into details about this that or the other. I also plan to get into things I do remember from life, things I can actually connect to, and gently remind him that even if he has heard this before, he has not heard my take/thoughts on it... besides, sharing with him should help me feel more of a bond to him, right? I don't really know what else to try with him besides nudging him to get out of comfort zone with me and spend more time communicating. Because really, he and I have not done nearly enough of that. Sound like a good plan or might that end up hurting him more? I am so clueless right now.

Yeah, so I'm talking a lot and will stop that now. If you got through my lil novel here, I thank ya.

-V

I have always had memory problems. this is because in me my DID began as a very young child under the age of 5. this caused many problems for others, but not for me. with me it was just now I was, it was my normal to not have a good memory. in elementary school I was taught to make a list... home work list, chore lists, keeping a daily diary (now they are called Journals here where I live) ... my point I grew up with a bad memory and as a result I grew up with coping tools to compensate for that. even my alters had their own way of how to remember things because they did not have complete memories either. just how my system was comprised where if there was anything I could not handle/ got triggered about an alter would take over and take care of that. for example if we were in school learning about science and a rain storm caused a clap of thunder Rainy would take control and continue on with the classwork. then later on when the everything was fine again I would be back in control and not know what had happened in class. All I needed to do was open my school notes and see that we worked on plant parts and homework was this page and that page in the book, look in the daily diary and see that my chore for that day and what hasnt been done yet...

my point I grew up making lists and journaling and so did my alters and my alters also had other ways in which they remembered and documented things or shared information....

maybe you can ask inside and find out who in your system is the note taker, protector, secretary or other word for the alter that has kept your system working smoothly to compensate for the memory problems since very early childhood. most if not all internal systems are set up in what ever ways that person/ body needed in order to survive so there is someone there somewhere that may have the answers you are looking for about what happened and when and how so that you will not continue to be in the dark when your husband tells you xyz and expects you to remember xyz. like in school when teachers expected you to remember xyz and someone in your system made sure that xyz was remembered and shared for the protection continuity and survival of the system.

your treatment provider can help you to discover which alter in the system is the protector /note taker/secretary/ gate keeper (there are many names for this alter depending upon ones own culture and situation) of your system.

I'm just letting you know I hear you and I can't imagine how hard this all is.

@complex21 ... Thank you. Yeah, it's uh. I dunno. It's not fun. But on the upside, I think this could be an opportunity for growth. I wish it wouldn't have happened this way, but I think he finally understands I am not her.

@amandalouise... First, random and unrelated, but that emotion book you mentioned to me back whenever... thank you. I made little assignments from that and it has been enormously helpful. You rock. Sorry it took me this long to remember to say thank you. I'm an airhead you know... heh heh.

As for post relevant stuff... I dunno if we have someone who has that info. I think I have a handle on who lived those years... I might be missing some, but it was two main ones and I don't have consistent co con with the one who actually married the guy. She either shows up and communicated with me or she doesn't. It's likely not helping that she is beyond irate with him and has been for years now. She's got a temper and he made her sh** list. The info is there i just can't access it through her. It had not occurred to me to try to look elsewhere. I'll ask around.

Most of the time we all have a basic idea of what happened but lack the details, so it's like we know enough to pass so long as no one gets too close or asks questions or wants to talk about something specific. I know, for example, the year I married the guy and that we went to a courthouse, but I can't say much about anything else that happened. I just know it did happen. I don't even remember if my parents were there or not. I think my kids were. I dunno. It's that kinda stuff that gets me and makes me into an accidental jerk more often than I would like. Frickin frackin details...

-V