this roller coaster..

i don't think i have much elasticity left... to be pulled back and forth any more, stretched and popped any further... im exhausted... used up... done...
up and down... over and over... i dont think i can have d.i.d... i dont know what i have... i just am tired... i just want it to go away... i just want to end it all... i dont want to live like this... i cant live with myself like this... i just want to be normal and have friends... to have a life... a regular life...
i cant take it anymore... i just feel like im broken... i dont know how i can be so confused about whats happening inside of me... i feel so stupid...
like you are really really stupid not to be able to understand whats happening inside of you omg! im trying so hard!
im trying too hard... i miss my friend... she hates me because of my problems...

i hate myself... why cant i be normal... i dont want to have any problems... i hate this... i hate my life...

...............................

I'm so sorry you feel this way… Do you want to talk? You can pm me if you want. I'll be here for you.

hopefully i can get it out in therapy... just gotta hold it together until then... my head hrting tho...

Okay! You can do it elevatedsoul! Just hang in there.

i think ive started hearing things... i know i haven't slept much in a while..
but the way ths sounds is a different kind of sound, its loud and inside ...
usually my name, nickname, or a musical piece... i've noticed it happening more lately...
i usually in a zone when it happens and it scares me a little so would like to stop it...

scares me because i cant control it..

i just wish i was not sick...

These same words have gone through my mind several times in the past....and things didn't get better until they dosed me with anti-depressants. Are you taking any?

You know...why me? Why us? Then there is why not me? Somebody had to be this way....liking it or not (NOT!).

Resentments are a killer...it can get us drunk (and I think that we have a damnn pretty good excuse, too). I resent life, myself, God, society, family, ex-friends,....
But finally accepting that this is the way our **** is.....I can move on to some kind of healing....or I will be dead.

It took us a year or so since the Awakening to have some kind of system wide acceptance and freedom from self slavery. Our greatest goal is to find peace with all this...to have internal serenity... other than using drugs and alcohol. It's not easy...but it's worth fighting for. Granted Others are not at the same level that I is, but it can be and has been worse....we are figuring it out. Of course we are much older than you and are totally like tired of living this way...so with age comes wisdom of which I say to you, but a single life is on it's own journey.

Hang in there.....it sounds that you need some mental/emotional stability. Why aren't you medicated...or are you?

Anyways....I hope that you find more peace than that you have right now.

Im just going through hell currently..
Nothing seems to be going correctly

Nervous about the appointment tomorrow.. I'll screw that up too..

These feelings are very uncomfortable.. with not being in control.. everything failing..

I'm not going to survive...

im medicated... changing meds again.. meds just dont really seem to help much...

Does your T know that you express yourself in a hurting way online? I noticed that I myself... we tend to snowball...but that's because we have an alter for that....to not let anyone into our real world.

Med changes are awful...the waiting for relief if it happens that may lead to disappointment and prolonged grief if it doesn't work. I feel for you. Hang in there.

i told her about it i think, but i dunno.. i dont really ever remember what we talk about..
i wrote that email to her a few days ago and told her about it in there though..

i told her that im just not allowed to speak on the outside from the inside, so im writing on here to speak from the inside, the outside is to protect the inside... but its geting weak... everything is getting weak... im afraid its all going to shatter...

i think im at a very fragile mental place.. impending doom...

I feel like I have been blending... with these compartments of feelings and instructions..
Very depersonalized.. i feel like this

conflicted, claustrophobic, confronted..

my t said i compartmentalized heavily.. maybe she can tell me more..

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i just want a way to explain how i feel, why is that so difficult?

my perception is broken, you know?
its not supposed to be like this...