do you ever wish

that you were someone else (in the system I mean)

i'll try to explain

sometimes I wish I was alicia because she is so happy and inocent

or natalie because she fronts a lot and knows a lot about what's going on daily

not emily who loses lots of time and half the time wonders what on earth is happening
imagine it
imagine the same body, but being born the alter who you like most, or is most present

anyone ever thought about this?

Sometimes I wished I was Gnash-- he's unconcerned with the opinions of others, good at staying relaxed, confident, witty and sarcastic, and extremely interesting. (All that in spite of his raging addictions and festering self-hatred.) We became good friends after many years of power struggles. I no longer felt like Gnash was other than me, and began to feel him with me. He began talking to me all the time and we interacted on a very deep level. Then we started fronting together, then we blended, and merged. That's a very long story. My friend who knew both of us says she can see the perfect mixture between the two of us. I am Gnash and Gnash is me. Now I don't so much wish I was one of the others. Especially because it's easier for me to recognize my own value these days, and because it's easier for me to see the others as me, even if we are separate.

Sometimes I want to be Blue, because she's so feminine and put together, but at the same time I can't handle her memories. And, we butt heads a lot.

got to tell you a story. One day my therapist and I were talking about integration and how in my cultural background integration is something that even normal people do in their normal lives...its mixing to things/ elements/ factors/ concepts/ ideas together. even people who are not DID go through periods of time where their own personality elements (feelings, emotions, behaviors, who and what they are changes and integrates to form a whole personality/ one whole person)

example a person who is depressed, serious and moody can integrate their personality elements of creativity, happiness, the will and courage to take a walk, go boating... into their feelings of depression, seriousness and moodiness and this becomes their new way of being... less depression more happiness, less seriousness more having fun, less moodiness and more stability....

we had gotten through that part of the conversation when I told my therapist, when (not if because in my culture integration is just a normal part of life for every human being) when I integrate I would like to be Thelma. she is so outgoing, happy, courageous, the risk taker, the one that seems to have her stuff together.

my therapist looked at me and said...you are already Thelma, You are already Rainy, you are Red, you are ....and she continued to list all my known alters. It all goes back to the basics.... you were one whole person, then you went through extreme trauma that no one else could have survived, or at least would not have survived intact. yes the alters at the moment are separate from you, but they came from you due to the trauma. they did not leave the physical body, they are still with in the body known as Amandalouise. All parts of you are still there, the Thelma you is there, the Rainy you is there, the Red you is there....you are them and they are you. just right now the anger, sexuality, happiness, and other elements of your personality are set to the side. but they are still you and one day those elements of you will not be set to the side anymore.

when you integrate these parts of you will still be there just not set aside, you will be back to experiencing them in a normal way that human beings do. you will be able to be all those elements that comprise Thelma, Rainy, red and the others.

my treatment providers point.... for me it was a non issue of who / which alter I was going to be when I integrated because I already was each of them anyway, in my culture they were me, they are me and they will for ever be me.

I stopped wishing and worrying about which one I wanted to be like. when I took the time to really look at what I felt Thelma was I could see in my life times even with out integration of Thelma when I was already outgoing, happy, courageous, the risk taker, the one that seems to have her stuff together.

Yes. That's all for now...

Yeah...ummm...no.

I always wished that I was someone else/thing other then me....another life form, time, era, age, planet, organism, inorganic....nothing....anything but us.

We wish we were a duck at least.

being together is good, and something I need to be more of

my life is a messy jigsaw puzzle at the moment

i just want a lot of money

I wish that I had Dr. Kavorkian to help put me to sleep. I have wished that for about twenty years. I just cannot get out of the nightmare: constant emotional pain, fear, paranoia, loneliness, and because of all these emotions, suicidal emotions.

I talked to Dr. Delgado recently. He was my psychiatrist for ten years here in Lake City. He would not talk to me about dissociative disorders nor would any of the staff. I told him that Dr. Carl Nickeson in Orlando had given me a dissociative disorder (not otherwise specified) diagnosis, a disorder of extreme and chronic stress diagnosis, a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis and alcoholism in 2005 before I moved up to Lake City. Maybe he will change his diagnosis of me but I doubt it.

Sorry if this triggers anyone.

I don't mean to be offensive, but aren't all alters, parts of mind, whatever you call them, all from the same body, and mind? In my opinion, you all can be that part that you wish you could be.

It's quite a bit more complicated than that.

That is the disorder. I would do anything to be all of me at once. But right now that is not the reality or possibility. If it were, I would not need all this therapy.

No. Dissociation is related to hypnosis. It has been documented that the personality under deep hypnosis is not the same as the normal conscious personality. When the person comes out of deep hypnosis, automatic amnesia occurs. The normal conscious personality cannot remember what is said under hypnosis. Dissociation is about switching in and out of hypnotic or semi-hypnotic states without control.

You are not the same, exactly, as the part of you that dreams. Some times you can be almost the same. Other times you might be a younger self. The human brain is the most complicated system that scientists have discovered in the universe!

It takes a lot of work to break down the amnesia barriers in a dissociative patient.