[TrailRunner14]

This is heavy on my heart.

I've been friends with a person for 20+ years. We've raised our boys together and have shared many fun times, good and bad.

In my healing I'm realizing that she is controlling, judgmental and condescending. I talking with her today on the phone and felt so weighed down after I hung up.

I know that I need to distance myself from her for me. I don't want to hurt her heart. She has told me several times that she "struggles with rejection" and I do t want to wound her. I just can't continue to listen to her anymore.

A part of me wants to say that she is just working me/us. That causes anger and distress.

I don't know how to do this with strength and respect.

Has anyone else walked through this? Please don't tell me to say mean things to her because I just can't. I don't know how and wouldn't want to. If that makes sense. Not that you would. Just saying.

To the moderators. I respect your decision to move this, if that is what you think is best. I really need input and would thank you, if you decide to move it to another appropriate place where you think is best.

[TrailRunner14]

I have add that having a trusted friend before you started the healing of yourself sometimes leaves you in a very vulnerable place. Sharing memory loss and the vulnerability of dissociation with someone that you have trusted for such a long time is very hurtful when it's invalidated as something that they have no idea of.

A part of me wants to believe that it's just her trying to understand but not getting it. Another part of me is pissed because of the condescending remarks that come.

She is really my only friend. Toxic now it seems.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too judgmental myself? My heart tells me no. It's just really sad to me. I don't want to be in this place right now.

[Amyjay]

You have the right to be safe and respected.
Asserting your own rights doesn't have to involve trampling all over someone else.
'I' statements are respectful.
Good luck.

[elevatedsoul]

[anais_anais]

I wonder if the distance can happen gradually, organically. No hard feelings, just a slow growing apart. I am not sure if it's the right way or the best way, but it has worked well for me because I don't like confrontation. An unreturned phone call here, some cancelled plans I forget to reschedule there. Sometimes, in the time of less contact, the other person changes in some ways too and we organically grow back together when we're ready. But sometimes not.

I wish you the best in this.

((((((hugs)))))

[TrailRunner14]

Well.

I got a call from "her" yesterday and was not going to answer the phone. I felt guilty because I didn't want her to feel rejected. I answered it and that heaviness oozed onto me the minute she started talking. It was just the sound of her voice! In my mind, I could hear the condescending things she has said to me. I couldn't think of anything to say, as far as having a conversation with her. I told her that someone had pulled up in my driveway, which they had, and told her I would call her back later. I had no intention of calling her back.

Now. I feel guilty. I feel like I am rejecting her. She is so manipulative in an underhanded kind of way, I can see her turning this around so that she's a victim and unwanted. I guess what I'm doing is not very kind. I don't know!

I wish I could be honest with her and tell her that she is a narcissistic bully. That would certainly cause a confrontation! I don't believe I have a part of me that is capable of doing that anyway.

My social skills suck!!

[satsuma]

Hi,is it ok for me to post?
As I started changing through therapy, my T told me that it might happen like this, that when you become healthier it shifts the balance in some friendships and relationships and that some people will be able to adapt to that and others will not.

It sounds like you have been friends for a long time. I was thinking perhaps there is a middle way? I think it's fine if you don't want to be friends, you don't have to. But if you want to see if the friendship can adapt to the new healthy you, then perhaps don't tell your friend a general statement like they are a narcissist - to them it will probably feel "out of the blue" and like they are being attacked. But the next time they say or do something selfish or hurtful, you could try putting a boundary down or calling them out? Like telling them that you find X thing they have just said/done upsetting or hurtful, could they please not say/do it again.

I've definitely had a similar experience, one example is that I used to never have an opinion on what I would like to do, whereas now I do and I will let other people know what I would like. Most of my friends have adapted to this, and we have stronger friendships now, but one didn't and in the end I have stopped contacting that person.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Hi,is it ok for me to post?

As I started changing through therapy, my T told me that it might happen like this, that when you become healthier it shifts the balance in some friendships and relationships and that some people will be able to adapt to that and others will not.


It sounds like you have been friends for a long time. I was thinking perhaps there is a middle way? I think it's fine if you don't want to be friends, you don't have to. But if you want to see if the friendship can adapt to the new healthy you, then perhaps don't tell your friend a general statement like they are a narcissist - to them it will probably feel "out of the blue" and like they are being attacked. But the next time they say or do something selfish or hurtful, you could try putting a boundary down or calling them out? Like telling them that you find X thing they have just said/done upsetting or hurtful, could they please not say/do it again.


I've definitely had a similar experience, one example is that I used to never have an opinion on what I would like to do, whereas now I do and I will let other people know what I would like. Most of my friends have adapted to this, and we have stronger friendships now, but one didn't and in the end I have stopped contacting that person.

Thank you for your post! It is a reminder of what my counselor told me at the start of my working with him. He advised me if people not agreeing with the changes that would happen as I healed. He also asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this. . I really didn't think I had a choice. It was either stay where I was, which was not a good place, or jump and go for it.

I've never had the opportunity to decide if I wanted to be friends with someone anymore. That may sound weird, but I've not sought out a friend. I've just been friends with people who wanted to be friends with me. I'm realizing now that there is much strength when you have the knowledge to decide if you want to be a friend to someone or not. That may sound weird too, but I really never learned things like that.

Because of how my home life was, I didn't have the option to seek out friends and I was great grateful for the ones who came into my life. I did whatever was needed to keep the friendship.

I'm learning now that I have choices and options. Compliance is thankful!!

Thank you for your post!!

[peaches100]

Hi Trailrunner,

In the past, I did the same thing you did: just made friends with whoever wanted to be my friend. I also didn't realize that I could look around at people and decide who I wanted to be friends with.

I did go through a situation similar to yours, where a long-standing friend responded to my mental health challenges and the ways I had changed by being critical toward me. Her comment to me was to "quit wallowing in self-pity." She also said I had brought some of my depression on myself by having a negative attitude. Another thing she did was email me frequently with messages or attachments that I felt were designed to get me to "shape up!"

It was very discouraging and hurtful to me. What I ended up doing is writing her a letter and telling her that I loved her, but that her comments felt critical and judgemental when I was already doing the best I could. I asked her not to contact me anymore. Seven years went by before I finally ran into her, and she hugged me with tears in her eyes and was so glad to see me. By then, I had healed quite a bit and was able to forgive what happened and re-establish a connection, although we are not as close as we once were. I am careful not to talk much about my depression or anything mental health related because I know she doesn't understand. That being said, I do think she still loves me. She just doesn't "get it." She's like a lot of people who think that if we only tried harder, we could get over our problems...that it is all within our control.

When I look back on the situation, if I had been more healed at the time when my friend was being critical of me, rather than cutting off contact completely, I would have faced the situation more head-on. I would have thanked her for caring about me and trying to help, but let her know that her critical comments were actually making me feel worse, and to please refrain from making comments of that sort. I would have given her a chance to make that adjustment before cutting her off. But at the time, I wasn't able to handle confrontation.

If you believe your friend is a good one who has your best interests at heart, but is just clueless, you might try a similar approach. On the other hand, if she truly is narcissistic and makes you feel bad on a regular basis and that is her nature most of the time, you may be better off ending the friendship.

If you decide to end the friendship, you could either take the direct approach and tell her that you don't think continuing the friendship is in your best interests, and the reason why...or you could take the more indirect route by reducing your contact with her slowly but purposefully.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( TrialRunner )))))))

I'm wishing you the best with this

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your experiences with this. It has helped me be strong with my shaky new boundaries.

I've been gradually not answering her calls and when I do, if it's the same old stuff, I've gotten off the phone with no guilt. Well mostly.

Maybe our friendship will change as I do. If not, it's going to be ok!

Thank you!!

Growing up is tough work!

[just2b]

Yes, I was on the receiving end. Friends for 25 years and she just never returned my calls or her texts were short and slowly over time, I gave up. The main thing is, I had told her I have DID and then slowly the relationship went South. That was how perceived it. About a year ago, she texted me out of the blue, and we met for coffee. She had a horrible year with the passing of her Dad, job loss, and such other things. I still don't think I could go back to how things were ever, it really hurt. At the time I wrote her an email explaining how I felt and she responded, but I was so angry and hurt that I didn't really care. So we may text now about twice a year if that. I miss her at times, but also feel it's for the best she isn't around. When we meet for coffee that day, I decided to be very reserved. I put up a wall. Glad the wall was up because she said she lost touch with a lot of people and negativity in her life. I took that as I was one of those people that was a negative part of her life?!?! From the time I was 14 to about late 30s we were friends and this was how it ended​. I don't trust anyone anymore.