[OliverB]

I don't have a therapist anymore, he openly said he didn't know what to do with me and if he was causing a negative impact the best I could do is leaving.

I was getting therapy through the public health system.

Therapist from the public health system are not available for more than once a month for 20 minutes unless it is a therapist from a special facility, in my case this therapist, the only one here, is is from the day hospital I was referred after being discharged from IP.

The day hospital is for severe mental illness only, that's why there is this therapist I could see weekly for 45 minutes. There are not other special facility I can be referred to.

So what now? What do I do without a therapist?

try this blog. discussingdissociation.com
lots of good things to read, questions to ask yourself- ther therapist is a DID specialist.
pretty soon there will be a packet of therapy "homework" you can do yourself- it has questions for getting to know your system as well as a lot of fun stuff and questions. Not sure when it will be out, but soon.

[OliverB]

I am reading it, thank you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I don't have a therapist anymore, he openly said he didn't know what to do with me and if he was causing a negative impact the best I could do is leaving.

I was getting therapy through the public health system.

Therapist from the public health system are not available for more than once a month for 20 minutes unless it is a therapist from a special facility, in my case this therapist, the only one here, is is from the day hospital I was referred after being discharged from IP.

The day hospital is for severe mental illness only, that's why there is this therapist I could see weekly for 45 minutes. There are not other special facility I can be referred to.

So what now? What do I do without a therapist?

Healing from DID on your own is hard and in some situations down right impossible.

for example one of the first things my treatment provider and I did was my learning grounding, (breathing, stress reduction.....relaxation techniques) and stabilizing my daily life...

though its a positive and first step with any kind of mental health alone or with a treatment provider a special situation happens with DID. with stabilization and grounding techniques comes less dissociation. less dissociation means less alters taking control which means the body born or alter in control is the one handing everything on their own 24 /7. which of course puts the burden of stability and doing everything on their own on the one rather than the team of all the alters doing their job, purpose, reason for being created. Which in some people can cause much stress and internal conflicts and much more.

this doesnt take into account of those with the ability to discover what extreme trauma's caused them to become DID. I was what I consider lucky, because of dissociation all my trauma's were held away from me and I rarely had to deal with them until after integration. Some people learn of their trauma's as they are going through the process of healing. not after no longer having DID. Having to deal with this aspect is very hard on some with DID both physically and mentally.

but on the positive side of learning on your own to stay present in the moment and not utilize your dissociation skills if you can weather the initial storm of doing things all on your own with out the others natural integration happens... this is where the alters realize they / their jobs, purposes, reasons for being created are no longer needed because the one in control is no longer dissociating when triggered (because the one in control is now managing everything on their own). this results in a situation where the alters just merge back together seamlessly and painlessly to form one whole person again (in other words no longer being DID)

that is what happened to me....after I learned how to do everything from my treatment providers like self nurturing, stabilization, grounding techniques so that when triggered I no longer dissociated, my alters naturally integrated with me to become one whole person...

dont get me wrong here, it isnt something that only takes a day or a week, sometimes it can take a very long time in therapy, sometimes even 10-20 years to learn how do all this, doing it on your own could take double that time. I was very glad for the help of my treatment providers along the way.

my suggestion would be to seek out another treatment provider, if for anything else so that you will be established with someone who can help in an emergency situation as you try and do this on your own. let the treatment provider know from the get go that you are going to be doing this on your own but you want the knowing someone is there if needed. kind of like people dont expect to have to call 911 but the service is there if they need it.

[OliverB]

I can't get another treatment provider, there are none that can treat this as far as I was told when I was looking for someone else. I have severe attachment issues so I won't trust or see as a helper someone I don't know enough.

I remember some, really few if the trauma, mainly the most recent one, that was psychological, I remember the last 8 months before I left when I became 18. I know there were physical and sexual abuse but cannot remember. I did a lot of work with my notes since all my ANPs like writing except the child one. One EP like writing and he knows others EP so even if I , an ANP, cannot sense or know them directly, I know that some EP exist.

Who was my therapist wasn't someone I considered my therapist and in case of crisis I prefer to don't ask him because he ended up making it worse. About ER and emergency number, I was told to avoid it since they don't understand my situation and are not trained to deal with trauma. Each time I was IP it traumatized me to the point I avoid hospitals, so I have the trauma before 18 and the one after 18 that affected me, an ANP, making me more difficult to trust and bond. The other ANP is just angry.

From hard mental work a lot of inner self helper fragments integrated into one, Exmachina, which shares helpful information between ANP even if I cannot see or meet the other ANP. Exmachina also help me with trauma after 18 and calms the EP and works like a second consciousness. He can take control of the body but he is a philosophical suicidal, anyway he cannot kill us that easily because some of us don't want to die that way.

I am currently depressed and wanting to be dead but not in an emergency situation.

Anyway, I guess I have no chance to bond with the world and people anymore since it was already very weak and all that happened after 18 destroyed my weak ability to bond still more, so I guess I won't be able to bond again. I am 20, my time is running out.

[Solnutty]

I remember having my last therapist basically tell me she couldn't help me and that she was going to phase me out of her care. I felt abandoned, but it was true--she couldn't help me. Looking back it's clear that some of that therapy made things much worse.
I felt like I wanted to give up living, too. It's hard to even bear the feeling on the recall.
I eventually did find a therapist, truly by the grace of God, and by the same I've actually been able to pay for sessions. It's not too late to learn how to bond either. I'm 37 and only started to learn that 3 years ago. When I was your age I had absolutely none of the understanding that you have about yourself now. You're already closer to it than I was.
I hope that something I've said gives you something to hold onto. My heart goes out to you and I just want to help in some way.