[L.P.]

So I've had this on my mind lately and figured I would put i out here and see if anyone had thoughts on this...

Do you think you need to know everything that happened? Not just for the sake of healing and moving forward, but also because it might just come out eventually as you become more aware of yourself as a whole?

I've been chewing on that idea off and on for a week or so now. I've been, to the best of my awareness, myself (no switching or time loss moments that I know of) for over a month now. I know I have not fully integrated or anything, but I have been having partial integration/mesh up things (two or more of us come together to be one) and I feel this will continue on. Integration is my goal as of now. And it seems to me that as I integrate, it makes sense that I would get memories held by others as this process continues on. I still have huge chunks of my life just gone from my awareness... my memory seriously looks like a piece of swiss cheese... Anyway, I wonder if that is true... do you get all the holes filled in or will some stuff just be gone. I mean, people who don't have DID have memory blanks that never come back. Maybe some stuff will just stay hidden from me. But then I worry... well if that happens, will I still have some terrified part of me somewhere in my head afraid and alone? That seems cruel to say the least. I dunno. Ultimately I understand that I will either know or I will not and I doubt that I have much if any say in that so I will either deal with it when it comes or not deal with it because it does not... still, I wonder.

-Avery

[toomanycats]

I don't think I need to know everything, and I don't want to know everything. (well, there's a part of me that wants to know everything, but I'm not entirely sure of the motivation there... it's almost masochistic...)

I also have huge chunks of my life missing, and I don't anticipate getting it all back. I don't want to get it all back (most of me doesn't at least). And, I don't think I have to get it all back in order to feel fully safe and connected. After all, even memories that I have recovered aren't picture-perfect recollections - memories never really are.

To be honest, I'm actually quite afraid of recovering any more memories. It's frightening for me.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by L.P.

So I've had this on my mind lately and figured I would put i out here and see if anyone had thoughts on this...

Do you think you need to know everything that happened? Not just for the sake of healing and moving forward, but also because it might just come out eventually as you become more aware of yourself as a whole?

I've been chewing on that idea off and on for a week or so now. I've been, to the best of my awareness, myself (no switching or time loss moments that I know of) for over a month now. I know I have not fully integrated or anything, but I have been having partial integration/mesh up things (two or more of us come together to be one) and I feel this will continue on. Integration is my goal as of now. And it seems to me that as I integrate, it makes sense that I would get memories held by others as this process continues on. I still have huge chunks of my life just gone from my awareness... my memory seriously looks like a piece of swiss cheese... Anyway, I wonder if that is true... do you get all the holes filled in or will some stuff just be gone. I mean, people who don't have DID have memory blanks that never come back. Maybe some stuff will just stay hidden from me. But then I worry... well if that happens, will I still have some terrified part of me somewhere in my head afraid and alone? That seems cruel to say the least. I dunno. Ultimately I understand that I will either know or I will not and I doubt that I have much if any say in that so I will either deal with it when it comes or not deal with it because it does not... still, I wonder.

-Avery

When all of this starting unraveling about 5 years ago, it was very hard for me to take it in or make sense of it. It was scary and I found myself sitting in the floor asking why this was all happening.

I knew all of these fragments that were coming at me were there, but they had always been safely put away. At that point they were coming at me like a slideshow. That's all I get back from them is fragments. There is no ending to them and they are much like the swiss cheese you describe.

Because of the anxiousness I was (and still do) feeling I set about to "figure this out" and try my best to recovery the endings of what is just blank space now. Make sense out of it. Understand it. Put some reason to it.

There's an analytical part of me that does that job and it terrifies the other parts of me. Analytical wants to know the truth and fit the pieces together but the other parts of me do not want to see what was blocked out for my safety.

Truthfully I would like to know what really happened, but again there is a fear that it would shatter me if I were to "see" it. I know it's in the past. I know that it can't actually hurt me now.

Actually, I think it would hurt me deeply to know the real truth and not just the speculation. With speculation there is always that "what if" of it not being true.

For me it's kind of hard to talk about my thoughts about this. There are two extremes and I can't find a middle place of letting it be what it is.

There is actually a protector part of me standing between me and a place that I don't know the end of. The two opposing sides are caught in this place. We've been here a few weeks and it's not very comfortable.

I guess because of the impact of the truth, that may never be known, it seems neither side will give.

Thank you for posting this!

[Amyjay]

I think you need to know enough and accept enough to understand the impact it all has on you in the present day.
Do you need to remember everything that happened? Nobody remembers everything that happened.
Do you need to have a complete memory of any one incident from beginning to end? Nobody has a complete memory of childhood things anything that happened from beginning to end.
Traumatic memory isn't even stored as a narrative story. It's stored as fragmented sensory impressions. If you have random fragmented sensory impressions of childhood trauma, that IS traumatic memory. That is the very definition of it. But even then that doesn't mean that your sensory impressions are the one and only definitive truth about What Happened. All we can really take it to mean is that this is a thing that is causing me problems / flashbacks and this is the thing I need to heal in order to be.... healed.
I kind of think nowadays that it is what it is. I don't need to swear on a bible about it. But this is my internal experience, like it or not, and to move past it I need to find a way to heal those fragmented sensory flashbacks in whatever way works.
If I have a recurring flashback of childhood terror associated with ____ is it going to help me to stand back from it and say "Well, I don't think that really happened" ?
I sure know that hasn't worked for me before.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

So I've had this on my mind lately and figured I would put i out here and see if anyone had thoughts on this...

Do you think you need to know everything that happened? Not just for the sake of healing and moving forward, but also because it might just come out eventually as you become more aware of yourself as a whole?

I've been chewing on that idea off and on for a week or so now. I've been, to the best of my awareness, myself (no switching or time loss moments that I know of) for over a month now. I know I have not fully integrated or anything, but I have been having partial integration/mesh up things (two or more of us come together to be one) and I feel this will continue on. Integration is my goal as of now. And it seems to me that as I integrate, it makes sense that I would get memories held by others as this process continues on. I still have huge chunks of my life just gone from my awareness... my memory seriously looks like a piece of swiss cheese... Anyway, I wonder if that is true... do you get all the holes filled in or will some stuff just be gone. I mean, people who don't have DID have memory blanks that never come back. Maybe some stuff will just stay hidden from me. But then I worry... well if that happens, will I still have some terrified part of me somewhere in my head afraid and alone? That seems cruel to say the least. I dunno. Ultimately I understand that I will either know or I will not and I doubt that I have much if any say in that so I will either deal with it when it comes or not deal with it because it does not... still, I wonder.

-Avery

Im not going to say its easier either way because for me most of the time I did not have all the memories of my alters and it happened for me after integration. so yea there is that chance that as the integration process for you progresses you may get more memories of what happened but yet it may turn out to be like me where you dont get any more until after each one has integrated with you.

what I can tell you is that before integration I did not mind that I didnt have all the memories and after integration it did hit me like a brick at times with discovering I knew about something that I hadnt previously known. but you know it kind of felt good for it to happen that way for me because in this respect I was just like any other normal person who had forgotten something and then one day suddenly remember it. though it hurt sometimes I could smile and say finally Im just like anyone else that has forgotten something and then remember their life events. it was actually nice to be normal. and just like normal people I worked with my therapist to understand the new memory and what it meant for my present and future. I mean I have been through the worst thing on earth and now they were just memories. I ended up thinking what now, how does knowing about this change me and my life now, what do I do with what I now know. I couldnt prosecute because they had already been prosecuted. I had no real reason that I had to tell anyone other than my therapist what I remembered. so it was more getting through the shock of it and learning that what I remembered had nothing to do with my life now so again I was just like any other normal person remembering a bad time in my life. I'm not saying it was easy, just that it felt good and there was nothing I really needed to do about the old but new to me memories. even now I sometimes remember something and my wife says so where does that fit in with us today and I smile and say it doesnt just something I used to know then forgot then its back again.

my point sometimes it does feel like getting hit with a brick and other times it doesnt. you just learn over time that you lived through the worst you will survive this. you may cry a bit or laugh or anything else but its now yours and that I can say is a great feeling when that happens.

give it time , how ever this integration process is going to happen for you is the way its supposed to happen for you. nothing is going to make remembering faster or slower, it just is.