[Kiya]

I don't even know where this post should go - there is no anger management link. I don't know if i switched or not... I can't get into chat to join the holiday support chat, and even if i could, monday is waaaaaaaaaaay too far away.

I live with my mom- she's 60-ish, i'm 30-ish, and we just got into yet another fight over thanksgiving. I HATE the holidays. I hate having to go through this every year. Well, this year I am on a special medical diet and I can't have anything. We agreed that we would cook around my diet needs. Then she added in this, then that, then more things. Now it is the full meal deal and it's like I don't exist. She can't understand how hard it is for me to be in a household that is having all my very favorite foods in the whole world and not be able to have any. She keeps saying "surely you can have a bite. it;s not right for you not to have any." Hello - it's called ALLERGIC! I CAN'T have it. On top of all this, she's making an entire turkey dinner complete with mashed potatos, gravy, stuffing, pies, cranberry sauce, etc. etc... and taking it all over to her boyfriends the next day. - and leaving me left overs which I can't eat. the woman doesn't even have a job and can't buy regular groceries, but she's going to do this anyway.
Well, I lost my temper completely. We argued, she denied everything. I said loudly, I'm DONE. She said something back to me (i don't even know what) and i trew my slipper over my shoulder. Knowing it missed, (and not being the one in charge) i turned and directly threw my other slipper at her. I was shaking with my fists balled up and crying. it has been 3 or 4 years since the last time i was like this. And I'm being blammed for everything - my being DID makes any actions that "don't seem to fit" be "not me". "I knew you werent't being you." BS. This IS apart of me.
And I'm so mad on top of this because now i can't get my needs met - I'm really hungry and can't get anything to eat now. I'm freezing and can't get to the hotwater because it's in her room (to fill a hot water bottle). what a mess. Now i just have me -crying- to suffice. She just came to my locked door a minute ago to talk. i said no. She talked through it anyway. "I'm sorry I hurt you". she always says the same thing these days. which translates to "I'm sorry, but your needs don't matter as much as mine and when you're "you" again, you'll behave better."
why do i still live here?!!? Why am i most the time 1 16 yr old in an adult's body? Why can't i get out of here and away from her?!?!

[silver_queen]

I'm sorry Kiya that your mother isn't listening to you. Will it be possible for you to buy your own food, which you know you can eat, for Thanksgiving? Since she knows you are allergic to the foods eaten on Thanksgiving, could you stress to her again how important it is that you don't eat any? Most people know allergies can have serious consequences, so maybe you could highlight the dangers and ask her if she would do the same thing to her body if she were in your position. If you feel it wouldn't be possible to have a conversation with her without a massive argument, perhaps you could state it in a letter? That way you get to say exactly what is needed to be said, without interruptions or arguments

[Kiya]

=( sorry for the rant. it's possible to get my own food - but our oven doesn't work (hasn't in over a year) and she'll be using the little toaster oven all day for all the stuff. I'm trying to come up with someplace else i can go for that day.

Dont need to apologize for the rant. Rant away, if that's what you need. besides, i think its a pretty important thing if you aren't getting what you need food wise.

I suppose processed foods are mostly out of the question for you - I was thinking of toaster oven-y things you could buy or get but you may be allergic to those.

I would try to get at least a little food you can have for yourself, to tide yourself over.

[silver_queen]

Ihave no idea what you can eat, but with a toaster oven (which I suppose is just a toaster which browns slices of bread?) could you eat crumpets? Or just maybe toast and add a filling of your choice? Could you persuade her to buy a microwave oven? That might help what you're able to eat.

I agree with Rainbowzz - there is absolutely no need to apologize

[Kiya]

=( thanks. the fight continued this morning and i think burnt out at noon. we were both mad and crying. she can't understand why i'm upset (even though we go through a lot of this every year). I'm upset because things constantly change and I can't plan on anything. That sounds so simple. But i have a really limited list of foods i can have (you're right, nothing processed); no wheat, yeast, glutin, dairy, beef, soy, starches, night shade veggies.... the list goes on... And she's been talking pumpkin pies, rolls, sauses, gravys, mashed potatoes.... all out for me. And it is really hard for me to be around those foods - makes me feel like a deprived animal who someone's teasing with food. I'd rather just be alone than be around a bunch of food i want so bad. but she doesn't want me to be alone - those are *her* needs, not mine. I told her that and she broke down crying. Our boundaries are so emmeshed. It's one of those "unsolvable puzzles" where there is no right answer. but it does help to pour it all out in here.
thanks for "listening",
kiya

I so understand... with the foods and everything...

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Kiya,

I am a bit older and my mother not around anymore but I remember fighting with her over Thanksgiving food. It must by a really symbolic mother-daughter struggle or something.

If I had it to do over again I would go somewhere else for the day, like to a shelter and volunteer as a server. Can you do that? Or to a nearby nursing home?

Keep posting we'll support you even if you can't get in to chat.

[(JD)]

(((safe hug))))

Yes, dealing with family and their extra stress too, is huge at holiday times!

If it makes you feel any better, my mom, God love her, KNOWS about my allergies, I've nearly died from them since I was 3! But one recent year, she cooked...and she knowingly put something in the food that I'm allergic to. You know what she said as I was gasping for breath? "OH, I didn't think you'd react if you didn't know it was in there!"

Why not skip the family meal on Thanksgiving? Go to the movies, if you can. Go to your favorite park (pack a picnic lunch, or sandwich and drink at least) Being out of the fray will do you much more good than sitting there feuding and force feeding yourself, or being a spectacle for the others. Even if you make your own food to eat, it won't be the same... I don't think.

It is perfectly OKAY to say, you know? I'm going to do something else this year.

[Kiya]

Thanks, sister, that means a lot =)

[Kiya]

Oh my gosh, sky, our mom's could be twins.

" You know what she said as I was gasping for breath? "OH, I didn't think you'd react if you didn't know it was in there!""

Mine did that to me just last week. Thanks, mah!

My original plan was to go to a shelter and voulnteer, but she threw a fit about it. I just don't get it - there is no logic to the arguments and we go in circles... this is every year - with this year's added bonus of my medical diet. I hate the holidays, always have since like 7 yrs old, want to be away, am never allowed. and each year the fam says "oh this will just be a simple one - we'll do what ever you want" which a. makes me feel like a totaly louse that everyone has to do what *I* want, and the b. it never is simple, it always gets turned into a big thing. you'd think i'd learn by now. So i was firm, i wasn't going to be here, she could be with her bf. she threw a fit. i broke down and decided to be here. she decided to make a big meal. then i lost it.
that's a really good idea, tho - going to the movies.... are they really open?!? I'll ahve to check and call around. great idea. i am working on getting around the guilt of mom being all alone. "I said i'd stay home for *you*, i could have been with my bf". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Breathing. Trying....