Wedding

To start off, I'd like to say that I'm Clara. A Female alter in Chez's system.
So today, we attended Chez's Brothers' wedding. It was really nice and pretty, but it was wrong. I should've been a bridesmaid, not a groomsman. It was just a reminder of how I'm not supposed to really exist, and how, no matter what, I'll always be a girl trapped in a guy's body and that's crappy. How do other-gendered alters deal with... all of it? The feeling that your body isn't your own and that you won't be able to live out your fairytale. I know that Chez is having a tough time and I need to help him deal with his stuff, but I need to find a way to accept my fate, I guess.

first things first... I didnt have alters that were different gendered. I had alters that were consistant with my cultural background. though they were human they had animalistic characteristics. Eagle was my alter who had very keen eyesight and always on the watch for things that we had to move fast away from, Bear was my aggressive alter so on and so forth.

none of my alters animalistic or not had any problems with being "trapped" in a body that was not their own.

you see I became DID whether I knew the actual diagnosis name or not, before the age of 5. that meant my whole life until everyone naturally merged together again to form one whole personality, my body was theres and their body was mine. as children we just didnt think in terms of alters or physical bodies and dissociation.

when each of my alters were in control they did and said what they wanted to, they walked, they talked, they thought, they sang, they played, they dated, they had their own set of friends, if I dissociated at work, school church, out with friend or just at home with family they did everything that they were there to do.

my alters did not think of their selves as just an alternate personality in my body. they thought of their self as they were rainy, they were hungry they were cold, they were at work... there was no separations in terms of things like they were the alters and I was the human. they were just like any other human being, functioning just like any other human being.

in fact we once had a therapist who tried to tell them they were nothing but alters and that my body did not belong to them and their reply was, ....doesnt this hand move when I move it, and they moved the hand, doesnt this leg move when I move it, doesnt this mouth verbalize when I want it to talk, am I using this brain to talk and form words and actions, I have to use the restroom and can feel that need, if this wasnt my body then I would not be able to walk talk, ear, see, think and go to the bathroom when I want to . yes it may be her body but its mine too, even though I am an eagle. Never again did that therapist try and tell one of my alters that this body was not theirs.

my point is maybe Clara what might help you is not think in terms of gender but rather in what your sense of agency is by that I mean what you do for everyone, what and how you are thinking, walking, talking and doing what ever you do for you and chez and everyone.

I know that sometimes it may be hard that others outside the body cant tell the difference but maybe thats because thats what your system is about. no one but my therapist could ever tell the different between an eagle in me and a bear or me. but my treatment provider explained to me thats because my system follows the abusers code of do not tell.

we had abusers that would hurt us if we even thought about telling others about the abuse they did to us so one way we protected ourself from getting hurt was that everyone in this body could not be noticed by others. everyone inside me even answered to the bodies name besides their own to ensure no one ever find out what the abusers did to us and that they existed.

maybe you can sit down with Chez and everyone and find out why everyone living with you has to be un noticable by others outside the body. your not being a brides maid may actually be to protect you and the others.

After I got to know my alters and became co-conscious,and they realized they were part of a system,etc., there were similar experiences and problems.Not just with the different gendered ones(I am female) but also with the younger ones too.Realizing they were in one body and wanting their "own" bodies became a thing with them.Some even thought they could leave the body.Some thought people on the outside could see them as they saw themselves.Through the help of a therapist they eventually accepted who and what they were and the problems were way less.

Are you in therapy or working with a professional to help with this?

That is very much how it is for us too. We see and hear ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be and some find it very jarring to be confronted with any evidence that we are not.

I can see why a female alter in a male body would find it affronting to be in a societal male role when it doesn't fit the internal identity at all.

Know exactly how you feel. What we realized tho is that whoever is out has to be in charge of the safety etc. of the whole system. That's work! That should be a guy's job too. But everybody calls us by a girl's name. Then we met an insider who would stand by us so we could do girl stuff. He takes over when there is a potential problem. Same when we are doing guy stuff and somebody who knows us as a girl shows up. Clothing is always a problem. So we had to make rules. Always wear pierced earrings, a ring, and when feasible a necklace. That's cuz we don't want people to know about us. It's like a game!

Hi Clara...Kelly here, and we at least get to have our private time out in this body doing what we like as long as it’s within the almighty written in stone “body rules”...

It’s only fair that we get to share that which is ours to share. So the body stinks of sweat....we can change that. Put a little feminine flair amongst a ton of masculine muckity muck....

Why does everybody think that they got to rule this world? Duh.

Which part is more important then which part? Who decides that? Sure security and safety is a must for the system....but being female...I require my free time.

So, the guys go outside the home and we fems rule the roost. We get to go shopping as long as we walk something like this male body. But we get to also defurr, color nails (clear on the fingers of course), and dress like we like at home. Anything public wise....we have an image to uphold (understandably).

So sista....compromises can be made and a voice validated. Just can’t be selfish and must think that the system comes first. Good luck! Xoxo