Recurrent Denial

So, I don't believe I have DID. Do I have alters? Well I can't explain it all any other way, so yeah I guess I do. Maybe OSDD? Even then I don't really believe it. What if this is just psychosis?

A week ago, I was accepting(ish). Now I'm back to thinking I must be making this up. I keep searching online for answers, but everywhere I go contradicts the last article or forum I read.

And how can memory integration happen naturally? It must not be real. None of it.

How the hell do I know?

Dissociation has many forms not necessairely multiple identities. I have dissociation and I feel I can assume different prespectives on life easily, althought I don't easily recall my past (recent or not) I can remember it. What I mean to say is I behave differently from moment to moment and I feel disconected with the person I was recently in the past, but I know it is me who was there. I consider DID an extreme with a very disruptive behaviour.
I am familiar, though, with the situation of finding myself different from everybody else and not being able to find answears in the internet. I find labeling myself with a diagnosis very limitating, I a complex, I am a mix of symptoms with a root on a forget past cause.

The thing I really don't have is amnesia. There are times when I have zero control over what I'm doing, saying and can only speak inside my head. I don't know if that makes sense.

I do have missed time, but it's so few and far in between that I don't know if I can count it.

Every time I take this test, every damn time, it says I have DID.

How can I have DID? My childhood sucked but it wasn't that bad. How could I have alters? No, they must be figments of my imagination. I must just get into trances or something.

I think your childhood may have had a much bigger impact than you remember, Sò leigheas. I know it's hard to accept. Please don't give up. Try to not obsess yourself over it. Find yourself some distractions if you can. Try to listen to some music. How are things going with your therapist? Try to hang on. Stay safe and take care of yourself, my friend. Remember that I'm here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you

It sounds like I could of wrote this and I have....nope, this isn’t a duplicate account (don’t do those, too complicated)...

I don’t care about diagnosis letters...I’m just a multiple with a condition very close to DID/OSDD...or I’m in a class all by myself- you now included.

With no control over who I am, what I say, what I do, where I go: pretty much life

What tests are you taking?

My biggest red flag regardless of this denial sees in....I have no control of my mind, body, or life. The other voices are there...but they also take over and have their own way of living contrary to mine or another’s...

Quit denying the obvious. Accept what is regardless of fears and feelings. Sucks.

Denial is common wherever childhood abuse and neglect by a caregiver was involved, regardless of the diagnosis bestowed upon you by people who profess to know how you the human had to adapt your being to survive the experiences thrust upon you for years on end. The child of three or four needs to figure out a way to get through the next 12 or 14 years with as much of themselves as intact as possible. That means getting as much of the normal stuff as they can eke out of whatever awful situation they are in. That means separating/forgetting/denying the bad stuff, because what child wants to be looked after/sit at the breakfast table with

Denial is that young child's friend. Denial enabled that child to grow, to learn, to laugh, to live, to love, wherever and whenever it could. Denial enabled that child to take in some of the good stuff and grow some semblance of normal self, even when other parts of self were terrorized and beaten down and murdered in the night. Whenever things became too hard, denial helped everything be okay again. At least, until it wasn't. Denial is like a time-out, a gift, a breather.

So today you "don't have DID" (or PTSD, or complex PTSD, or OSDD or whatever you like). Maybe it's okay to just sit with that. Maybe some part of you (not necessarily an alter, but it could be) needs to not have DID today (or PTSD, or complex PTSD, or OSDD or whatever you like). Maybe some part of you just needs a break. Maybe you don't even need to worry about whether it is real or not, but just work with whatever comes up. If you have it, it will "come back". Something will trigger you and there "it" will be. And if not... then you can just work with whatever is there.

But you know... denial is awesome. It's a big job. But somebody's got to do it. It's there to help.

(((((((( So leigheas ))))))))

For what it's worth, and there will be those that ardently disagree, I see DD as a spectrum with amnesic DID at the far end. I think you can have DID without the amnesic component (call it DDNOS or OSDD if you want). I also think the amnesia takes a lot of forms; losing track of time, compressing or expanding time, missing appointments, remembering things but in a hazy or vague way, on and on. From the patient perspective, I feel like DID is about the experience of shifting states, having alters, how ever you define it, more than DSM criteria. I really think that the experience of alters is a spectrum as well, from several present at once (where is seems noisy and confused in your head) to one.

I guess my point is to not get trapped by some definition of what you have or don't have. Because what you experience is so much more important that putting a label on it.

And yes, what you have written in this thread does make sense.

(with all of it, but especially the bolded bit)