[ReveuseTroublee]

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[ReveuseTroublee]

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[ReveuseTroublee]

I think my ED is making my symptoms worse...

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am starting to get tired of this. I feel so dysfunctional and useless right now. I tried everything. Why can't I just snap out of this?

[Breaking Dawn]

It's pretty difficult a lot of the time, but I'm functioning well enough at the moment.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I think it is getting better. I am glad. It felt like it would never end.
No idea why it was so extreme this time... I am just happy that it is improving...

[Breaking Dawn]

I feel like more than one person at the moment. Part of me is extremely dissociated right now. Part of me is very much here & observing, as an outsider. I'm constantly analizing. My voices keep changing the way they are. Sometimes they're nice to me & we enjoy music & conversation & maybe a tv program once in a while. Then suddenly things become painful & cruel. At this moment, as I am writing this, I'm feeling very sad. I know I'll feel better later, so I hold on, & I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. So I'm saying to myself, I'm ok, or I will be later.

easter isn't too bad.
apart from my back is ****ing killing me (I hate you fibro!), I have had some easter eggs, did an easter quiz and the weather's been okay too

[ReveuseTroublee]

I have an appointment soon... And I have been collecting notes and stuff about what has been going on and I am really scared and because sometimes my memory issues and in general get so severe and my cognitive functions feel like getting lost that I feel like I am going dumb.
I am just scared I am influenced or I will get influenced if that makes sense? I feel like finally things could fall into place.
I stopped a diagnosis hunt - nothing fits 100% (which is normal) but I have been diagnosed with so much by now and nothing makes sense and nobody knows what's wrong that this is like my last straw. I am struggling to name my symptoms and I feel fine now but I know it won't last... Well, I don't know for sure but I can't imagine to suddenly get cured of everything. Which brings me back to the thesis that I am faking... Everything is fluctuating more or less... Especially my symptoms...
I don't trust my own perception anymore...
I just want to get better of course even if the diagnosis would be hurtful like a narcissistic personality disorder or facitious disorder whatever I would take it if I am just getting better, I don't mind being called attention-seeking, lazy whatever. I don't feel like any of this is the case but I would at this point not care anymore - I just want to get better even if it meant going through hell. I already have been to my personal hell.
Nobody can hurt me more than I ever did.
I was abusing and destroying myself. Self-harm is not enough for what I did. Self-abuse is what I did to my body and maybe also my mind.
Anyways the online test showed I had dementia... xD And yeah I sometimes feel exactly like this. I literally lose my mind. I already feel like I lost another few months of my life. I mean they must have been ****** so that I don't remember anything apart from a few chunks which are of course blurred but at least I have a vague idea... Better than nothing... Or some inflammation/a tumor in my brain.
But nothing is physically wrong with me...
I decided to attend therapy and hand in the notes I thunk are complete non-sense and also tell my psychiatrist that I think I am just making it up...
And then go into therapy and just make sure I am doing okay and getting along with life.
I am also tempted to just say 'I discovered some stuff about myself I wish I did not' - and if he asks tell him or show him the notes (I will write down everything again because a lot of stuff is typed out) or hard to read...
I would not do this if I was functional enough but when I can't study or do well in my studies that is when it is okay for me to talk about this stuff, then it is bad enough.
I am so little aware of everything. It is hard.
But I need to go into therapy to prevent a repetition of 2020 with more mental hospital stays then I can count.
And I need to take on responsibility for everything.
Even if it does not feel like anything of this is related to me or happened to me.
Sorry that this turned out so long...
Just no idea where to write this...
Not even sure wether I do belong here/am allowed to write on this board. Maybe someone has some helpful advice for me.
I hope you all have a good day! ♡

[Breaking Dawn]

It was better for a good part of the day yesterday. It seemed like a healthy break, although I was very tired & I didn't fulfill any of my goals. Then later in the day, things turned bad, & I woke up this morning to the same thing. I'm still crying. Some parts of my brain are very cruel & they know how to hurt me with physical pain, among other ways. I use over the counter meds for the pain, which helps. But my spirit feels battered & so hurt. I wish they could go away & let me get well. I keep hoping for a miracle & for my life to be good again.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am really scared of the appointment... I feel fine like I don't need help... I just don't know what to talk about really...

But that is the mentality that caused me so many problems I guess. I am so confused. I come close to an answer and suddenly it just moves even further away from where it came from.

When something is not present 24/7 I always feel cured but then I make the painful discovery over and over again that I am not.

So yeah I am utterly confused and nobody seems to get me in real life... I mean I often don't get myself either you know.
Just nothing consistent.

[ReveuseTroublee]

If I would not write down my struggles I would not believe myself that I have any.
I look at my notes and think well that is interesting but that must be about someone else but I know it is not and that scares me... Other than that I am trying to make the best out of everything. I created another painting today and just trying to return to uni and do my hobbies...

[stahrgeyzer]

Trying to get over a toothache. I went to bed last night in pajamas but woke up in the night dressed. Someone's been fronting while I'm asleep. Last week I suddenly noticed permanent blue marker ink all over my shirt. What a mess! I didn't do it and have no memory of doing that.

Besides that everything is good.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Exhausted once again. I am always scared to lash out. I thought I screamed at my father, apparently I did not but maybe he just wanted to comfort me.
This morning a long discussion with the voices in my head about therapy with way too many opinions. My head hurt and I was tired afterwards.
Another few hours lost. It took endless to get ready for the day with major breaks.
I am so overwhelmed and constantly overshare about things, I am just so confused.
Right now just exhausted from basically doing nothing.
What do I even know?
The brain fog is so strong...
How can I study like this? Maybe I am really insane, fooling myself and the world...
Who knows...
I will try. Maybe it gets better... I also need to have some water. It is already 3 pm and I barely drank anything.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear @ReveuseTroublee, reading this last post of yours is like reading my own journal. That's the way it is for me almost all the time. I imagine you suffer a lot a great deal of the time. I wish you all the best.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Dear @ReveuseTroublee, reading this last post of yours is like reading my own journal. That's the way it is for me almost all the time. I imagine you suffer a lot a great deal of the time. I wish you all the best.

Thank you! <3
I am sorry you hear you are struggling.
Also don't worry about me, I am okay... Just have to figure out how to manage things better...

[ReveuseTroublee]

I did not know communication could be so helpful. Everything falls into place.
And I feel like it is getting better for everyone.

[Alatea]

I wish other people knew how much effort it takes for me to perform being “me”. How much stitching through different thoughts, motivations, how much negotiating, joint decision-making, how much concentration it takes to perform simple and complicated tasks alike. There is little difference, as whether they are simple as socializing with one person, or complicated, such as preparing a lecture for hundred people, I need to keep stitching, re-stitching, connecting all of my different times, people, events, nodes, on one hand, and on the other un-stitching and de-linking from the conditionings and normalizations that keep pushing things behind the amnesiac barrier. It is exhausting. It is beyond exhausting. I just wish someone could see that. I always had to hide everything, ever since I became aware of myself. If things were difficult, I was the one to blame, as I was too sensitive, too slow to learn, too shy, too absent-minded. I need validation, I want everyone to know how difficult it is to live a life with dissociation produced by trauma. It is difficult. It is not fair. I just want everyone to know that.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear @Alatea, believe it or not, I do understand. God bless you!!

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Alatea

I wish other people knew how much effort it takes for me to perform being “me”. How much stitching through different thoughts, motivations, how much negotiating, joint decision-making, how much concentration it takes to perform simple and complicated tasks alike. There is little difference, as whether they are simple as socializing with one person, or complicated, such as preparing a lecture for hundred people, I need to keep stitching, re-stitching, connecting all of my different times, people, events, nodes, on one hand, and on the other un-stitching and de-linking from the conditionings and normalizations that keep pushing things behind the amnesiac barrier. It is exhausting. It is beyond exhausting. I just wish someone could see that. I always had to hide everything, ever since I became aware of myself. If things were difficult, I was the one to blame, as I was too sensitive, too slow to learn, too shy, too absent-minded. I need validation, I want everyone to know how difficult it is to live a life with dissociation produced by trauma. It is difficult. It is not fair. I just want everyone to know that.

This is exactly what I figured out yesterday, kinda had a breakthrough. You are totally valid.