[ReveuseTroublee]

I am really scared of the appointment... I feel fine like I don't need help... I just don't know what to talk about really...

But that is the mentality that caused me so many problems I guess. I am so confused. I come close to an answer and suddenly it just moves even further away from where it came from.

When something is not present 24/7 I always feel cured but then I make the painful discovery over and over again that I am not.

So yeah I am utterly confused and nobody seems to get me in real life... I mean I often don't get myself either you know.
Just nothing consistent.

[ReveuseTroublee]

If I would not write down my struggles I would not believe myself that I have any.
I look at my notes and think well that is interesting but that must be about someone else but I know it is not and that scares me... Other than that I am trying to make the best out of everything. I created another painting today and just trying to return to uni and do my hobbies...

[stahrgeyzer]

Trying to get over a toothache. I went to bed last night in pajamas but woke up in the night dressed. Someone's been fronting while I'm asleep. Last week I suddenly noticed permanent blue marker ink all over my shirt. What a mess! I didn't do it and have no memory of doing that.

Besides that everything is good.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Exhausted once again. I am always scared to lash out. I thought I screamed at my father, apparently I did not but maybe he just wanted to comfort me.
This morning a long discussion with the voices in my head about therapy with way too many opinions. My head hurt and I was tired afterwards.
Another few hours lost. It took endless to get ready for the day with major breaks.
I am so overwhelmed and constantly overshare about things, I am just so confused.
Right now just exhausted from basically doing nothing.
What do I even know?
The brain fog is so strong...
How can I study like this? Maybe I am really insane, fooling myself and the world...
Who knows...
I will try. Maybe it gets better... I also need to have some water. It is already 3 pm and I barely drank anything.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear @ReveuseTroublee, reading this last post of yours is like reading my own journal. That's the way it is for me almost all the time. I imagine you suffer a lot a great deal of the time. I wish you all the best.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Dear @ReveuseTroublee, reading this last post of yours is like reading my own journal. That's the way it is for me almost all the time. I imagine you suffer a lot a great deal of the time. I wish you all the best.

Thank you! <3
I am sorry you hear you are struggling.
Also don't worry about me, I am okay... Just have to figure out how to manage things better...

[ReveuseTroublee]

I did not know communication could be so helpful. Everything falls into place.
And I feel like it is getting better for everyone.

[Alatea]

I wish other people knew how much effort it takes for me to perform being “me”. How much stitching through different thoughts, motivations, how much negotiating, joint decision-making, how much concentration it takes to perform simple and complicated tasks alike. There is little difference, as whether they are simple as socializing with one person, or complicated, such as preparing a lecture for hundred people, I need to keep stitching, re-stitching, connecting all of my different times, people, events, nodes, on one hand, and on the other un-stitching and de-linking from the conditionings and normalizations that keep pushing things behind the amnesiac barrier. It is exhausting. It is beyond exhausting. I just wish someone could see that. I always had to hide everything, ever since I became aware of myself. If things were difficult, I was the one to blame, as I was too sensitive, too slow to learn, too shy, too absent-minded. I need validation, I want everyone to know how difficult it is to live a life with dissociation produced by trauma. It is difficult. It is not fair. I just want everyone to know that.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear @Alatea, believe it or not, I do understand. God bless you!!

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Alatea

I wish other people knew how much effort it takes for me to perform being “me”. How much stitching through different thoughts, motivations, how much negotiating, joint decision-making, how much concentration it takes to perform simple and complicated tasks alike. There is little difference, as whether they are simple as socializing with one person, or complicated, such as preparing a lecture for hundred people, I need to keep stitching, re-stitching, connecting all of my different times, people, events, nodes, on one hand, and on the other un-stitching and de-linking from the conditionings and normalizations that keep pushing things behind the amnesiac barrier. It is exhausting. It is beyond exhausting. I just wish someone could see that. I always had to hide everything, ever since I became aware of myself. If things were difficult, I was the one to blame, as I was too sensitive, too slow to learn, too shy, too absent-minded. I need validation, I want everyone to know how difficult it is to live a life with dissociation produced by trauma. It is difficult. It is not fair. I just want everyone to know that.

This is exactly what I figured out yesterday, kinda had a breakthrough. You are totally valid.

[ReveuseTroublee]

It took me so long to figure out I am allowed to call what I went through trauma, because everything was so deeply engrained and imprinted in me that it felt normal and like this is just who I am.
My mother and all her projections - I am none of that.
Neither you are but I get it... I still feel like everybody hates me even though people tell me they love to be around me or even missed me when I was gone for longer. Yes, I always had a high tendency to dissociate but I was made to be so easily hurt, so vulnerable.
I feel immensely guilty and worthless for no reason.
I never thought it was a problem. Dissociation seemed normal. Seemed to be part of me... I lost so much time of my life to living like this.
It was the key element in everything.
Now I finally see... How could I be blinded for so long?
I lived through narcissistic abuse from a very young age. I struggle to access all the memories - but I was constantly exposed to what she told me. The world is bad, we are special ... You are guilty, you are bad, you are wrong, failure, liar, disappointment, you are amazing, I love you, you are disgusting, you are evil, you are arrogant, you are a monster... Rage and everything...
I kinda have to figure out more...
So I can reprogram myself and learn that everything she said was wrong.
I am allowed to be outside of anxiety and OCD keeping safe and caged.
I am allowed to have an opinion.
I am allowed to express emotion like I please.
I am real.
Nothing is only good or bad.
I choose how I see the world and myself.
'Society made you ill.' No you did!!
I learned to manipulate myself, keep myself small, applied what she did to me to myself...
Everything falls into place.
Everything.

[Alatea]

Thank you @Breaking Dawn and @ReveuseTroublee,

It meant a lot to get a feedback yesterday, I just wasn't in the shape to answer right away.
I was encouraged by your understanding, and I shared some of my feelings irl today as well...well, it was more like bursting into tears, lol, but that has to be good as well, as I let emotions come out as they are.
Best,
A.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Alatea

Thank you @Breaking Dawn and @ReveuseTroublee,

It meant a lot to get a feedback yesterday, I just wasn't in the shape to answer right away.
I was encouraged by your understanding, and I shared some of my feelings irl today as well...well, it was more like bursting into tears, lol, but that has to be good as well, as I let emotions come out as they are.
Best,
A.

You won't believe how proud I am of you. I know how hard it is.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am really scared. I wish Monday was already there. I want to get that done.
I am much more in the presence.

[ReveuseTroublee]

.
.
.

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[ReveuseTroublee]

I am so scared to lose days, months and years again. I am so frightened to get back to where I have been. I try to understand, but I am scared I can't keep it together. The memories will fade. This is why even if it is hard, I keep repeating in my head over and over and over and over again. The physical symptoms and mental symptoms are so overwhelming. But I can see, I can fight, I can defend, I can attack. I can't forget. I don't want to get into full blown denial. This my chance to get out of this and I never know when there will be another one and if I even have one. This step is so important for me. It determines wether I will slip back again or finally break free.
Now I can see, metaphorically and in real life? But when will the pictures get blurred again? Her reality become mine.

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

I also just noticed how I (almost) spammed this thread. I will try to reduce it.

[Breaking Dawn]

At least one of the voices seems to be horribly mentally ill. Some sort of malfunction in the brain. Very cruel. I need a medication to prevent his maltreatment.

[stahrgeyzer]

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

Smart move. Yeah, I find filming and taking pictures really helpful...

[ReveuseTroublee]

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

That's so interesting, how modern technology can see what's going on while you're asleep. Your software engineering background kind of makes you a detective, like Sherlock Holmes.