[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by Alatea

I got a FB friend request today from the same person who caused me the repetitive childhood trauma that set off this in the first place. It is disgusting, I know, sorry if it sounds triggering. If this does not throw me into deep dissociation, I am on a really good place, which is incredible, considering where I was less than half a year ago...I feel pretty coherent these last weeks, I didn't dissociate even while lecturing in public, which was something I regularly did for years...I want to say: I am not afraid any more. He should be afraid of me.

Good for you, @Alatea! Personally I try to be brave so I kind of relate to this with my imagination. I have heard of painful things about FB, so maybe that's not a good place anyway?

[Alatea]

Thank you, @Breaking Dawn The things is that I only update FB for some work that I voluntarily do, but I had to approach it from my own profile (a very old one, from 2008), and although I hate all the attention that it got, I certainly did not expect this...I really dislike FB, btw, it was increasingly bothering me that I have to update that profile, but I felt bad to decline. I will not have that problem now, as I just don't feel comfortable doing it after this.
Best,
A.

I'm just glad I'm not on FB in the first place. partly because if I was, I'd have no one to be friends with (booo!), but also it's just drama and I have enough of that in my life without social media

it is mcdonalds day today. yum!

it was also shower day (very painfull), and it is raining!

[MichaelTaso]

Accidentally took wrongs meds for sleep last couple of nights , usually I take melatonin and I think I took Trazadone with really super bad effects, I am new to site ,greetings....

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, @MichaelTaso! Greetings to you, too!

hey their michael, welcome to our daily check-in thread

well, okay, it says daily check in but you can check in here as much or as little as you like.

hope this forum brings you the support you want

very switchy yesterday. very

not so much today, but don't feel good

[ReveuseTroublee]

It is getting more and more creepy inside of my head - I am scared to talk. I am so scared.
I got out of mental hospital - it felt so surreal. I isolated myself and then well I thought I would end up homeless once again because I realized I could not walk nor take care of myself...
Just awful.
I am in contact with my father again. He is trying to help me now. It is very difficult - everything is.
But they confused me more and more in mental hospital and sometimes blamed me for the dissociative states or whatever they are.
They hat no idea how to help me really and just 'asked' me. People got too close and a lot of stuff was scary...
Getting treated for self-harm - just awful... I did not want it but if you are crying about that you know it is kind of bad.
I wanted to take back everything I said- just mute myself.
Why that diagnosis, why?
Then not sure what it is or was - the feeling of not being believed...
I hated it. I can not use skills they do not work.
Stuck in time, no feeling for time always confused.
Scared to hurt others and so on without knowing.
But at the same time of wanting to get diagnosed I did not want to. Everything repeating in my head.
Saying the same, acting the same. Everything has kind already happened. Third person memories. Seeing people again where they are not. Hearing things from the past being said again.
Thinking I am simulating or attention-seeking - scared to be bonding... Confusion woth people... Not recognizing them. Weakness and falling over and trying to hide it at home. Not wanting to be seen. Isolation myself. Thinking I can study like this when I can not even get there or away from there...
Being played by my own brain with (false) memories. Confusion. 'The hate you.''Don't speak'.
Saying weird stuff.
Losing senses and behaving weirdly...
Forgetting the illness.
'Collapsing' everywhere and worrying people without wanting to.
I just wish it would also have a physical component I do not know why. I just wish.
The symptoms seem to be so strong.
Sometimes I am okay and suddenly I can not sit anymore.. Speak anymore, control my body.
I am so scared to be faking - they said I am not. It is so surreal. Sometimes I forget. I drink so much and eat so much/little at times and move in circles.
When I ask is it physical and they say we do not think so I get so confused. Idk. I feel like going crazy.

feeling a little depressed that I didn't get my baby doll today. honestly I was looking forward to it. why can't stuff arive when it's meant to..... ugg.

I have spent an entire week (or maybe a little more) excited for the doll, and it's not here

I also showered today, and apart from it being painful as ****, all I did is sat in my room eating.

so was their a real point

I had a really tough day today (afternoon, anyway)

had a visit from a new member of the mental health team- and apart from it being totally unexpected and a shock to the system, one of the questions she asked me was.... what are the 5 most important things to move forward?

and I really didn't have an answer for her

Possible trigger:

I wanted to say well, nothing. I just want to die

which is the truth, but found that I couldn't say that to her because it may end bad for me

so I just told her litirally theo nly things I could think of- move back to my home city, and stop being treated like crap and that I don't have a brain

okay, that last one about being treated like crap is possibly something she can help me with, but moving back to my home city?. who am I kidding. I just don't want anything apart from

Possible trigger:

to die

so I found the question really hard

when she left I just fell silent and felt so drained.. wishing I could tell her more, but also wishing that I never met her in the first place.

distracted myself by writing my shopping list, and I guess that helped a little.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I feel so hopeless and drained. Idk what to do.
I just want to live the way I wish to.

[Breaking Dawn]

I often feel like I'm a 'walk in', a term I heard about on late night radio. Like I'm not the original her, & I ended up with her memories. It's probably not true. Maybe it's kind of like "derealization", which I only recently have read a little something about.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I often feel like I'm a 'walk in', a term I heard about on late night radio. Like I'm not the original her, & I ended up with her memories. It's probably not true. Maybe it's kind of like "derealization", which I only recently have read a little something about.

You are you. That is what counts. <3

I have been going around all day thinking it's monday

but it isn't. I just found out it's tuesday..

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I have been going around all day thinking it's monday

but it isn't. I just found out it's tuesday..

I've done that & had to check my cell phone to verify what day it was. Maybe people who dissociate can have this problem, or maybe everyone does this once in a while?

too many voices last night, and too many thoughts. it was like being part of a 3d confrence (complete with the smells, the sounds and the images) of my thoughts. it was all a bit too much

today, I have a stomach ache caused by sausage rolls that didn't agree with me at breakfast time (I had to get them using uber eats from a diffrent bakery, ran out of my usual ones)

hopes were raised briefly when my baby doll finally arived, but soon dashed when I realise you couldn't really do anything with her.. but hold her and hear her cry. she has a passifier and a baby bottle, but she doesn't make the relevant sounds so it's not realistic and I'm quite depressed about that. I was hoping to dress her up and take her on adventures in her little toy pushchair... who am I kidding.

[ReveuseTroublee]

All I do is keep myself alive... Sometimes it is forced. Eating, drinking, sleeping, doing stuff.

[ReveuseTroublee]

If I am honest I am not independent at all anymore... I never was. But with the struggling to walk, the collapses Idk what to do really...

@ReveuseTroublee

I hear you when you talk about indipendence. with my fibro, especially, it feels like sometimes I am doing too much (even simple things like dressing can be agony on the back)

and this is coming from a gal who never expected life to be so hardd

now I'm drained just putting on a shirt..

I have sat here, all day, and not done a ****ing thing

Possible trigger:

I just don't want to be here. that's how simple it is

their's nothing I want anymore

[ReveuseTroublee]

I feel like I am never going to have a future... Be part of society at all. I feel so hopeless.
I have not given up yet though...
Idk...
All is too much right now...
I need therapy and help but I never found someone who can be of a help... Idk...
It will take time and it is a process.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by ReveuseTroublee

I feel like I am never going to have a future... Be part of society at all. I feel so hopeless.
I have not given up yet though...
Idk...
All is too much right now...
I need therapy and help but I never found someone who can be of a help... Idk...
It will take time and it is a process.

I understand. I feel some of the things you mentioned. I hope you will find the help you need.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I understand. I feel some of the things you mentioned. I hope you will find the help you need.

It is really difficult where I live to find specialists.