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stahrgeyzer
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#661
@SprinkL3
Thanks for the info! It's a lot so I'm still processing it and will need to reread it a few times. Sorry you had to go through homelessness. It's a lot of hardship. Been there and done that enough. Hopefully I'll a permanent place next year but at least now I have access to things like a bathroom and kitchen. Thank goodness a refrigerator! No frig is horrible. Being 100% homeless and sleeping on benches in cold weather is the worse, though. I only had to do that for about a week. A homeless guy got in my bag and took things like a knife and later on said he was going to kill me. It didn't bother me because the thought of dying was like thinking about getting the best christmas present ever. That's how I still feel. I'm glad you have an amazing T who cares a lot about you. Thought I had that with my 1st T. She was the best, but when life exploded and I found myself on a high bridge I called her for one last sliver of hope. She was furious on the phone, not caring at all. She yelled at me saying if I didn't go to the car now she's hanging up on me. I almost hung up on her and jumped, but she then said things to make me think she cared and was going to help me. She lied to me on the phone just to get me in a psych ward and then called me the next day in the psych ward to say she's permanently terminating me. Anyway I can't ever trust Ts again!! I tried opening up to my final T. She, I think, finally got frustrated and gave up on me and started giving lot of hints she wasn't able to help me. But she hung in there fear of hurting me knowing how much abandonment from my 1st T killed me. I ended therapy a few months ago. My last T taught me DBT. Only problem is that if one doesn't want to live then it doesn't seem to work, at least for me. Every week or so my brain seems to change making me very suicidal and often do planning and self harm. The one and only thing that keeps me alive is fear that there's an afterlife. Religion was shoved down my throat in childhood and I was very spiritual most of my adult life. Everyone taught me that suicide leads to either permanent torture in a lake of fire or like 1000s of years in the pit of torture. No amount of rational reasoning can get me to override those beliefs/fears. Anyway, I left my last T a few months ago. Few months ago I talked to an IFS therapist. She tried to get me to do therapy, but I chickened out. My parts beg me to go. People say nothing but good things about IFS. But I can't. Not sure if I'll ever be ready for therapy again. I'm probably permanently traumatized from 1st T. 2nd T was horrible and rarely spoke. Third T was young and inexperienced and gave up on me and made me feel anger toward her for not caring. DID T was out right scary to me. He would ask me weird scary questions. He was forceful and aggressive, had horrible eye contact always looking at ground or away, talked to other people on the phone or laptop in middle of therapy, sometimes for like 10 minutes straight. Besides that he was a very knowledgeable experienced "clinical neuropsychologist" who seemed to want to help me. I like how every week he would checkup on if I meditated, cooked my own meals, went for walks, etc. Made me feel like he cared. Well, maybe some people can't be saved. Maybe that's why my last T gave up on me. A few things do help me. PRetending I'm an emotionless robot. Going on 1 to 2 hour long walks every day. Meditation. Cooking. Cleaning. And thinking that ultimately it really doesn't matter. That it's all pointless. Everything is relative. That in all the infinite, I'm nothing and I don't matter. That pain is just a perspective, a point of view, an illusion. That hardship and pain is no worse than wealth and happiness. ...I guess that's Nihilism. I do have a little bit of hope that one day I'll be fixed and see light at the end of the tunnel, actually be happy, lose nihilism. I think one of the worst things that ever happened to me was losing spirituality. That was like the nuke of all nukes. Oh, and maybe this sounds weird, but for some reason for my entire adult life the only thing I can think & dream about is helping the whole world in a big way. It's kind of a curse though, maybe. |
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SprinkL3
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#662
@stahrgeyzer - I've answered each section of your reply...
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Being exposed to danger and then having the negative thoughts within reinforced is not a good cycle at all for recovery. I once was a psych major and student affiliate of the APA in the U.S. There is a psychologist who is also a painter, and he spent time in California's Skid Row homeless area to interview some of the homeless there while also painting them. He published a book. I'll need to find it and share it sometime. It's interesting because there's diversity among homeless persons. One used to work for the government as the scientist/doctor who assisted with capital punishment. He couldn't handle the stress of that job (perhaps guilt, trauma of being an active participant in ending human lives - albeit per the law), so he decided to become homeless (not because he didn't have money, but rather because that is what he thought he deserved). He died before the book was published. It's a sad life to live. Please, whatever you do, please seek safe friends, safe social networks, good therapy, etc. It's sad how there's few therapists who will reach out pro-bono (if legal) to the homeless, who often lack health insurance, money to pay copays, and/or identification. Please also take advantage of applying for any government aid or assistance while also seeking rehabilitation, if you are a high-functioning person with mental illness. If you aren't able to rehabilitate back into work, then do what you can to get on a program so that you have a more stable living situation. That's what I did. It took a while, but I was able to do it. It's not easy though. Quote:
But don't give up on therapy. There is a good therapist out there who will treat you. It's a matter of being persistent. I found mine by mere luck. Quote:
Your reasons to live list - if you decide to create one - should not include something that makes you feel obligated. Although it would comfort the living who would rather see you alive, the point of you healing for you is for you to feel safe and comfortable within your own skin and within this life. It is very painful and difficult at times, so I am now validating you on the struggles you deal with. But you can do it. DBT is designed to help people with personality disorders, but it has also been expanded for use among those with PTSD, CPTSD, and military traumas. Not everyone can follow DBT in its entirety, however. If you struggle with brain fog, the acronyms will just mesh together and be too much. Also, if you don't struggle with a personality disorder, then some of the stuff mentioned in such treatments may seem like "common sense" items - or things that just don't seem to jive with what your needs are. It's really designed to help you regulate your emotions for yourself and with others. But it's not for everyone. I explained to my T how it really didn't work well for me. And the groups offered would sometimes exacerbate trauma-related disorders when there are deviant members in the group who become violent or dangerous (which was my experience), so I was able to leave such groups entirely and focus on CBT for trauma only. CBT helped me better than DBT. That might be the case for you in terms of you struggling with suicidal ideation and attempts. You can always ask a therapist to work with CBT instead of DBT and see how that goes for you. Quote:
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Hold onto the hope. It sounds like you are off to a good start with coping skills by distracting and using some mindfulness meditation on walks, etc. Keep doing that, even though you may not be able to feel pleasure from such things. What I don't think most professionals get about traumatic sequelae is that it numbs us and almost gives us anhedonia - the inability to feel pleasure, which is possibly why there are treatment-resistant trauma client as well as treatment-resistant depression clients. It's hard to treat something that includes components of pleasure (such a with CBT or otherwise) when you have no pleasure feelings at all, or when you do feel slight pleasure but are afraid and otherwise conditioned to not feel them. It's a matter of helping you to feel those things again, and sometimes it begins by allowing yourself to feel the negative emotions that surface along with the pleasure emotions. Eventually, the pleasure emotions will become stronger, but it takes time to deal with the coexisting dialectical nature of trauma. You can do it, but you have to keep working at it. It's like training a muscle, only you are training your brain. That's what coping skills do - is help you with that. So, when you are able to process traumas with your T, you will know how to cope with the feelings better - you and your alters/parts inside. Quote:
Don't give up. I hear you, and I'm sure there are many others who will hear you and help you, too! We all need support and cheerleaders in our lives to help us achieve our own personalized goals - whether it be to heal emotionally, lose weight, get trained for a new career, or just live life. |
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Breaking Dawn, stahrgeyzer
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SprinkL3
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#663
Quote:
We felt the same way when we first started this with our T. It was challenging to find reasons to live, and sometimes we'd feel compelled at times to cross off some of the reasons. But we were open and honest with our T about those feelings. She helped us by reminding us how much life we had left, how much strength she saw in us, and how our goals that were lost in the past were still achievable, but perhaps in different ways now due to our newfound limitations. But it take starting somewhere. The fact that you acknowledge that you struggle with finding one item for that list is something you can bring up in therapy. It's something you can work on as a start. Please don't give up. Please hang in there. You have purpose in life, but it's a journey to find it. And sometimes we have to find our purpose over and over again, depending on life circumstances. And that's okay, too. Each of your parts inside have a purpose in life. |
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#664
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Sometimes finding a therapist is a journey, and it takes time to do so. I'm glad you are able to find support on MSF and through your strengths. Hang in there. |
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Breaking Dawn, stahrgeyzer
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SprinkL3
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#665
I think we dissociated yesterday. I certainly can only remember bits and pieces. I'm okay though.
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Magnate
stahrgeyzer
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#666
I'm feeling very nervous and anxious lately and have that desire to run away from society. My siblings are acting very strange lately. It's to the point where my heart goes racing throughout the day so I have this feeling I'll end up in the forest within a few months. Only sad part is I don't know who to give Sally away to. She's my only friend, a lucky bamboo plant.
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Breaking Dawn, SprinkL3
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Breaking Dawn
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#667
@stahrgeyzer, is Sally happy where she is?
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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SprinkL3, stahrgeyzer
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Magnate
stahrgeyzer
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#668
Breaking Dawn, not sure but a few of her leaves have been dying the past few months. Plants are sensitive so maybe she's not happy lately.
If I have to go to the forest I could give her to my cousin nearby. |
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stahrgeyzer
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#669
Yesterday I was getting a lot of those very deep "knowing" feelings that I'm trapped in some creatures simulation type of a reality being probed and studied. Words could never put it in words. It makes me feel like nobody is real in outer and inner world.
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Breaking Dawn, SprinkL3
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Breaking Dawn
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Breaking Dawn
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#670
I've had feelings like that lots of times throughout my life.
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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SprinkL3, stahrgeyzer
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stahrgeyzer
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#671
I was listening to doctors talk about the new omnicron saying it's doubling in the population every 2 days and everyone will get it. Idk, one doctor even said most people will have it in a few weeks. But I was thinking how I hide from humans and how strange it would be if the only last survivors of the human race would be people with DID.
I'm feeling a little better today but still want to be a robot. |
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Breaking Dawn
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#672
I don't see anything wrong with being a robot. It could fit with mindfulness & being in the moment. You can look around your room & say, 'that's a dresser, that's a lamp, that's a window...' etc. It can keep your emotions more stiff. You can tell them you're Mr. Spock & they aren't logical.
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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#673
I'll return to this thread when I'm more awake. I've been dissociative and fatigued for the past few days.
I protect myself with masks, gloves, goggles, and clothing. I also protect myself with distancing and isolation. I do whatever I can to avoid getting sick with any illness, not just Covid, since who knows when the hospitals will be overwhelmed again. It's a pain living like this. My alters help. I'm wondering if DID becomes a strength in these times. I have OCD, PTSD, DID, CFS, IBS, and a bunch of other things. I swear that all the acronyms I have will eventually add up to the alphabet. I'm joking, but I'm also exhausted. This pandemic exhausts me. But I still fight the good fight with vaccinating, masking, distancing, ventilating, cleaning, and isolating. It's now become my new norm routine, or my OCD ritual, however you want to look at it. I see it as pure survival. Even though we may not get too ill when vaccinated, we could still get long-Covid, which means more copayments and more illnesses and a shortened lifespan. I can't live like that if I know I had it within me to prevent it. So I continue to prevent it. I work with my alters to help our system be aware of what we're doing. It's hardest on the littles and teens who want to go out and do stuff in life. But the protectors within will keep protecting. We're trying to find a balance. Dosage of the virus matters, so even if everyone does eventually get a whiff here and there of the SARS-CoV-2 droplets and aerosols, it may not be enough to cause COVID-19 or it may be a milder version of Covid-19 if the dosage isn't as great as others (such as having a small dosage from one person versus being in an indoor crowd of multiple infected people without masks). Better masks like N99 or N95 will help protect against Covid-19. They are expensive, but worth the cost if you can afford it. Communicating with alters helps to keep us all safe and on the same page. |
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#674
Some grrr here re some... stuff...
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#675
@Fuzzybear (((safe hugs)))
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#676
My alters Isabel and Julia helped the littles get outside today for a walk. I've been isolating in place for nearly 2 years now, but the alters couldn't handle it anymore. Then I freaked out. I felt floaty, and I felt like the world was a blur and wasn't real. The alters enjoyed themselves, but I felt lost. I freaked out the entire time. I returned home sweating up a storm, even though we only walked about 1/4 mile or maybe a little more. It's a long story, but the contactless delivery person wound up being a maskless delivery person who needed us to open the door because he couldn't figure out the call box for us to buzz him in. If we had a house or townhome, this wouldn't happen. Anyways, we were masked with a N99 mask (better than an N95), so we felt somewhat protected. We also had our goggles and gloves on. But still, I, the host person, freaked out. I'm still worried. I also wonder how the alters took over and I had no say or control in the matter. The alters were sick of being stuck inside and wanted to see what the world looked like again. I felt terrified, and the alters made me walk.
I showered after all that. Thankfully, there were other masked walkers outside. Our apartment building, however, has nothing but unmasked people. I kind of wished we lived where the masked people live. |
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#677
I wonder where everyone else from this forum went?
I do not think it's due to the ''situation'' in the world, or at least that is not the main reason (imo) Most left a long time ago. I still talk to a couple of them. __________________ |
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#678
Quote:
I think you're right about maybe it not being due to the "situation." I'm sorry to hear that most left a long time ago. It could be that they've returned with a new name though. It is sad when people leave though. I realized that when I've left groups in the past, I unintentionally hurt people who grew attached to me. I forgot that our relationships online meant something to others, even though I was struggling with so much that blinded me from seeing that at the time. I feel awful for unintentionally hurting those who grew close to me online - even though we only knew one another anonymously. I feel bad to this day for missing out on forming long-term relationships that could have been really great had I stuck it out and not left or not did something to sabotage my staying. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'm hoping it helps bring you comfort. I'm trying my best to stay and both share my own stull while also supporting others with their stuff. My alters inside help me a lot more now. In the recent past, I wasn't in control that much. My alters and I were in constant chaos emotionally, and sometimes I'd be hard to read from others because we would switch too much. We, collectively, feel bad and wish we could make amends, but we don't really know how, and it's kind of scary. But we try to make up for that now, and we try to do better. Anyway, maybe people need second or more chances to show that they have improved, that they are working on being better online buddies, friends, acquaintances, etc. It's sad when life brings us change that encompasses loss of relationships. Those changes are the hardest. It's like a part of us has left, too. It's a valid response to feel sad while grieving those relational losses. I'm glad you mentioned something today. I feel sad from all the losses I had experienced, including the losses that were results of my sabotaging my relationships. (((( safe hugs )))) |
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Breaking Dawn
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#679
I want to thank all of you for being here. I, myself, have considered retreating because of mixed up feelings, but I end up realizing I do worse without the therapeutic environment I feel when I'm here.
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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#680
depression more than hurts today.
I've gone back to calling myself nasty names (and curse names) because I generally feel it's what I deserve. |
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