I should post something

Hi, I'm lemonSys —

I found this place when doing a Google search for info/forums/chat relating to dissociative disorders. I am currently undergoing evaluation for DID. I have posted a couple times in the community, but never here.

Now that I’ve found a place to “talk”, I don’t know what to say. I was doing the google search because I didn’t want to be “lost”. Mental health stuff isn’t new to me - been dealing with bipolar and anxiety for a looong time, but this DID stuff is new. My previous pdoc (psychiatrist) was treating me for bipolar. She retired. My new Pdoc met with me a couple times, then told me she wanted to do this eval.

“Lost” - I’m not sure how to say that a different way or how to expand upon it. It feels connected to vulnerability, exposure. Does that make any sense?

— lemonSys

Ps: Thanks. Thanks for being…here/hear.

@lemonSys glad you joined the MSF community. You can check out other forums and reply to others threads or create ones of your own. There are many different types of forums so hope you find ones that interest you.
@CANDC

Hi, lemonSys! Feeling lost makes sence when you're dissociating. I also dissociate a lot, & experience
depersonalization/derealization & have voices. This is the right forum for those things, but it's not very active in here much of the time. Like CANDC says, we have a lot of forums to help us, including forums for Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia & Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder, & of course Bipolar. I also hope you'll find threads you like & that will help you. I am helped so very much in our forums here. And I'm also glad you joined us.

@CANDC - I shall explore ty

— lemonSys

@Breaking Dawn -

I appreciate your reply

I can relate to having voices - several keep me company, so to speak. Depersonalization/derealization were new terms for me, so I looked em up. Check that box as “yes” for me. I didn’t realize what I was experiencing had names - I guess I should have, though. Everything has a name these days it seems.

“Lost” doesn’t feel good. It’s dark. It’s panicky. I don’t always feel like this. Sometimes I “watch myself” and I’m indifferent, numb. Sometimes I don’t know how I feel. Sometimes I don’t even remember/or have access to/or something - enough of “whatever” to be able to say how I feel (which, for me at least, is different from not knowing how you feel, if that makes any sense).

Kinda bummed to hear this particular forum isn’t always active, but c’est la vie, I guess. I will definitely look and read around.

Good to hear this place has been helpful for you! I hope it continues to be

— lemonSys

Welcome lemonSys There are others who post here sometimes. Thanks for sharing

Hi! I am so happy you're here; you exude a liveliness and sincerity that is delightful. I have to go to work just now, but I'll return to this interesting thread.

@*Beth*

Awe, very kind words - thank you

Love the cat pic! 😸

— lemonSys

And here, I have returned, wanted or not!

I firmly believe that a forum, and the boards that make up a forum, are as active as the members want them to be. I have long believed that this board, Dissociative Disorders, would be VERY active if more people knew the board existed, if more people knew what "dissociative" - "depersonalization" - "derealization" - meant, and if less people were afraid to post about their experiences with dissociative disorders or dissociative experiences. I am absolutely sure that there are a GREAT many people who would benefit from meeting others here.

I experienced the (what feels to me like) horrible sense of derealization (for me, the feeling of looking at the world from behind a glass wall) for the first time when I was 9 years old.
(A quick bit of back story) Until I was six my...and here I go...just recalling that moment, I've suddenly forgotten the word I'm trying to write.

Until I was 6 my - here it is: family of origin was intact and secure. Then my father suddenly left (my parents had been married for 25 years; I had 2 much older sisters). Everything in my world entirely turned upside-down and fell apart. My sisters moved out, my mother became mentally unstable and terribly abusive, eventually remarried, and her new husband was a monster.

So. The first time I experienced derealization was when I was 9. I was exiting my house, on my way to school after a bad episode with my mom. As I was walking along the path leading from our front door I felt as though my head floated and suddenly, I was seeing the entire world as though I was looking at it from behind a glass wall. Of course, I was terribly frightened. But I kept walking, so as not to be late to school. The weird sensation settled, but I remained an extremely depressed, anxious child.

I continued to have episodes of derealization throughout my growing-up years, but only occasionally. My high school years were fun, away from home mostly, so my mental state was lighter. Then along the way I was married, then mother to 2 children. I adored being a mom, but also was exhausted and terribly stressed from a lot of hard work as a wife and mom, but a lack of sleep.

One day I fell asleep on the sofa, then I heard my infant son cry as he awoke from a nap. I immediately awoke and there it was - the derealization. I was 26 years old. And that was that. The sensation has never left. I will be 60 next month. I live behind a glass wall. No medication has ever helped, nor has any type of therapy.

Yes, I spend my life feeling quite lost.

I can relate to feeling ''lost'' and yeah it does feel connected to feeling vulnerable and exposed. (for me anyway). I also think you exude sincerity and liveliness. It's a pleasure to meet you.

I have started a couple of threads in the ''garden'' sub section here (sometimes I don't feel like talking much but I always like images of bears, so does my bear cub (bear cubs?) I have not found helpful professionals in this area. I met the ''snake'' of one professional and I've found it even harder to trust another. I think I was quite unlucky with that guy. He did teach me some things though....

Hello, @*Beth* —

I appreciate you returning - indeed welcomed

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…if more people knew what "dissociative" - "depersonalization" - "derealization" - meant, and if less people were afraid to post about their experiences with dissociative disorders or dissociative experiences.

This is why I am here: to learn about this stuff. TBH, it feels strange in a way to say I am here “to learn” about this stuff because I have lived it for basically my whole life - so I should know about it. And, I do, in many ways, and yet, in many ways, I don’t (not sure if that makes any sense). So, I find myself here, seeking those that can relate, and listen, and offer insight, and…?

As I mentioned, I have been diagnosed and treated for Bipolar (since I was 21). However, at 16, I was also diagnosed with PTSD and DDNOS (which is now obsolete, replaced with OSDD). I know I dissociate, but this thought of possible DID, is new to me. I have just started doing some reading on the web, but, idk, that is “cold”, not human. I feel like I need actual, 3-D people to…walk next to (for lack of better phrasing)…in this new territory. Again, I’m not sure if that makes sense.

Most of my existence and being and thoughts and feelings are followed by “not sure that makes sense” these days. Sigh.

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…the sense of derealization (for me, the feeling of looking at the world from behind a glass wall)…

Interesting. I describe a similar sensation all the time. For me, though, it is a wall of thick ice. It is an acts as a barrier/separation between me and “my environment” (objects, people). But, one that I can see through, albeit in a blurred way, which allows me to observe “life happening”. I don’t always experience this, though. Sometimes I can engage - touch, hear, smell, taste - with my environment in a very “real” way. To hear you have been “stuck” in this “way of being”/this experience/behind a glass wall for about 35 years (is my math right? Am I understanding what you wrote correctly?) astounds me. How do you manage? Has it become easier as time has passed? I’m sorry if I seem naive - I’m not entirely sure what I’m even asking/trying to get at/trying to understand. So…idk…

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No medication has ever helped, nor has any type of therapy

Again, kinda similar experience. The voices I hear have always been thought to be psychosis by the professionals despite my trying to explain that didn’t “feel” right to me. Not much effort was put into exploring this by anyone - myself included, unfortunately. I just assumed that the professionals knew more than I did and that they were “right”. So, because I “am psychotic”, I have had a steady diet of antipsychotics. The first did nothing, so the next was tried. Rinse and repeat. I think I have been on all the atypicals (ok, probably not all of them, but maybe a majority) with no effect on these voices. I hate taking any type of medication - including Advil - but I was/am compliant, as they say. My new Pdoc, though, is “ok with me not taking an antipsychotic right now” (her words). I was shocked to hear her say that, but so excited, too! I’m currently on month 2 of no ap’s, and, perhaps not surprisingly, there has been no change as far as the voices. What I have noticed, though, is less “zombieness”, if that makes any sense, which is a good thing

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Yes, I spend my life feeling quite lost.

. I’m sorry to hear this. Lost is not fun. I wish I had some safe advice/words of wisdom/enlightening message for you regarding this, but I don’t. Maybe lost is “the way it has to be” - whatever that means…

I struggle with my identity in several ways. List, seems like my norm. I try to figure out “who I am” because if I can answer/define myself, then this lost thing will go away. Somehow, though, I don’t think this is possible. But, maybe, there is a puzzle piece of “me” missing - the possible DID. Maybe, this will shed light onto a different path or something. Give me a new framework to work with or something. Then again, maybe not. Idk.

Thanks for listening/reading - sorry I rambled.

— lemonSys

Hey, @fuzxybear —
I appreciate your response

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I can relate to feeling ''lost'' and yeah it does feel connected to feeling vulnerable and exposed. (for me anyway).

Yeah. It’s not a comfy feeling, is it? For me, panic and “scary” seems to follow right behind. Ugh.

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also think you exude sincerity and liveliness. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Very kind of you to say, Ty. It’s nice to meet you, as well.

Quote:

I have started a couple of threads in the ''garden'' sub section here (sometimes I don't feel like talking much but I always like images of bears, so does my bear cub (bear cubs?)

I haven’t looked at the sub-forums yet. I will explore, though. Will be fun to see what kinda images you and your bear cub(s) have found.

See you ‘round.

— lemonSys

You are helping us, lemonSys.

@Breaking Dawn —

I’m not sure how I’m helping, but it’s nice to hear that I am. Ty

[ Also, I’m wondering: how do you post those cute variations of “hugs” gifs? ]

— lemonSys

Oh! Yes! When I was new, I wished I could do that! I don't even have a computer. I fortunately have an AT&T flip2 cell phone that has a browser on it. If you see the same thing that I see, while you are posting, above there is a panel of symbols. If you click on the smilie face, it will show you all the codes to use for the cute things that Doc John & his other wonderful volunteers continue to give us.

@Breaking Dawn —

Just wanted to say that…



Thanks muchly!!

—lemonSys

You're welcome! I'm so glad you found them!

Thinking of you lemonSys. How are things going?

Hey @ Fuzzybear

Appreciate your asking. However, I can’t really answer. For the past week (I think…I suck with time) I have been hard core - fully invested - in what I have come to call “rabbit-holing”. It’s where I take dives into anything and everything, fully immersing and losing myself, in order to 120% avoid thinking/reflecting/processing/dealing/experiencing reality - past reality, present reality, possible future realities.

It’s probably not the best thing to do, rabbit-holing, but I can’t. I just can’t.

How bout you and yours? Calm waters? Rapids?

— lemonSys

[ Just a post to check out my new signature ]

Hey lemonSys,

I'm ok right now, relatively calm waters. I love your new signature, I read that long ago.

''The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven''
(Milton, Paradise Lost)

Got sad news this morning. Important person in me past is gone bye bye. I shoulda kept in contact better, ya know? I wishes. But I did not. Now, I look but she died in 2019. I did not know. And now knowing is sadddd. Cheeks wetted then when I cried. But snuggled out, got dry and better and then had regular scheduled therapy. And more wet cheeks there now too. And and and now all day and now too it’s like am I who? I feel like so many and at the same, too. I feel I know all every kind at once. From second to min I changing and no one can grasp enough. I sad very very much saddd. No bye byes. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone
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…figure I’d update this…

No longer undergoing eval.
Conclusion: yep, i am.

— lemonSys