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#1
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Hi, I'm lemonSys —
I found this place when doing a Google search for info/forums/chat relating to dissociative disorders. I am currently undergoing evaluation for DID. I have posted a couple times in the community, but never here. Now that I’ve found a place to “talk”, I don’t know what to say. I was doing the google search because I didn’t want to be “lost”. Mental health stuff isn’t new to me - been dealing with bipolar and anxiety for a looong time, but this DID stuff is new. My previous pdoc (psychiatrist) was treating me for bipolar. She retired. My new Pdoc met with me a couple times, then told me she wanted to do this eval. “Lost” - I’m not sure how to say that a different way or how to expand upon it. It feels connected to vulnerability, exposure. Does that make any sense? — lemonSys Ps: Thanks. Thanks for being…here/hear.
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“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() *Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() *Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear
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#2
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@lemonSys glad you joined the MSF community. You can check out other forums and reply to others threads or create ones of your own. There are many different types of forums so hope you find ones that interest you.
@CANDC
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Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
![]() Breaking Dawn, stahrgeyzer
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![]() Fuzzybear, lemonSys
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#3
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Hi, lemonSys! Feeling lost makes sence when you're dissociating. I also dissociate a lot, & experience
depersonalization/derealization & have voices. This is the right forum for those things, but it's not very active in here much of the time. Like CANDC says, we have a lot of forums to help us, including forums for Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia & Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder, & of course Bipolar. I also hope you'll find threads you like & that will help you. I am helped so very much in our forums here. And I'm also glad you joined us. ![]() ![]()
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"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * ![]() |
![]() stahrgeyzer
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![]() Fuzzybear, lemonSys
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#4
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@CANDC - I shall explore
![]() — lemonSys
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“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
#5
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@Breaking Dawn -
I appreciate your reply ![]() I can relate to having voices - several keep me company, so to speak. Depersonalization/derealization were new terms for me, so I looked em up. Check that box as “yes” for me. I didn’t realize what I was experiencing had names - I guess I should have, though. Everything has a name these days it seems. “Lost” doesn’t feel good. It’s dark. It’s panicky. I don’t always feel like this. Sometimes I “watch myself” and I’m indifferent, numb. Sometimes I don’t know how I feel. Sometimes I don’t even remember/or have access to/or something - enough of “whatever” to be able to say how I feel (which, for me at least, is different from not knowing how you feel, if that makes any sense). Kinda bummed to hear this particular forum isn’t always active, but c’est la vie, I guess. I will definitely look and read around. Good to hear this place has been helpful for you! I hope it continues to be ![]() — lemonSys
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“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() Breaking Dawn
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#6
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Welcome lemonSys
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![]() lemonSys
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#7
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Hi! I am so happy you're here; you exude a liveliness and sincerity that is delightful. I have to go to work just now, but I'll return to this interesting thread.
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![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() Fuzzybear, lemonSys
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#8
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@*Beth*
Awe, very kind words - thank you ![]() Love the cat pic! 😸 — lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() *Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() *Beth*
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#9
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And here, I have returned, wanted or not!
![]() I firmly believe that a forum, and the boards that make up a forum, are as active as the members want them to be. I have long believed that this board, Dissociative Disorders, would be VERY active if more people knew the board existed, if more people knew what "dissociative" - "depersonalization" - "derealization" - meant, and if less people were afraid to post about their experiences with dissociative disorders or dissociative experiences. I am absolutely sure that there are a GREAT many people who would benefit from meeting others here. I experienced the (what feels to me like) horrible sense of derealization (for me, the feeling of looking at the world from behind a glass wall) for the first time when I was 9 years old. (A quick bit of back story) Until I was six my...and here I go...just recalling that moment, I've suddenly forgotten the word I'm trying to write. Until I was 6 my - here it is: family of origin was intact and secure. Then my father suddenly left (my parents had been married for 25 years; I had 2 much older sisters). Everything in my world entirely turned upside-down and fell apart. My sisters moved out, my mother became mentally unstable and terribly abusive, eventually remarried, and her new husband was a monster. So. The first time I experienced derealization was when I was 9. I was exiting my house, on my way to school after a bad episode with my mom. As I was walking along the path leading from our front door I felt as though my head floated and suddenly, I was seeing the entire world as though I was looking at it from behind a glass wall. Of course, I was terribly frightened. But I kept walking, so as not to be late to school. The weird sensation settled, but I remained an extremely depressed, anxious child. I continued to have episodes of derealization throughout my growing-up years, but only occasionally. My high school years were fun, away from home mostly, so my mental state was lighter. Then along the way I was married, then mother to 2 children. I adored being a mom, but also was exhausted and terribly stressed from a lot of hard work as a wife and mom, but a lack of sleep. One day I fell asleep on the sofa, then I heard my infant son cry as he awoke from a nap. I immediately awoke and there it was - the derealization. I was 26 years old. And that was that. The sensation has never left. I will be 60 next month. I live behind a glass wall. No medication has ever helped, nor has any type of therapy. Yes, I spend my life feeling quite lost.
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![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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#10
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Quote:
I have started a couple of threads in the ''garden'' sub section here (sometimes I don't feel like talking much but I always like images of bears, so does my bear cub (bear cubs?) I have not found helpful professionals in this area. I met the ''snake'' of one professional and I've found it even harder to trust another. I think I was quite unlucky with that guy. He did teach me some things though.... ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
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![]() Breaking Dawn, stahrgeyzer
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#11
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Hello, @*Beth* —
I appreciate you returning - indeed welcomed ![]() Quote:
As I mentioned, I have been diagnosed and treated for Bipolar (since I was 21). However, at 16, I was also diagnosed with PTSD and DDNOS (which is now obsolete, replaced with OSDD). I know I dissociate, but this thought of possible DID, is new to me. I have just started doing some reading on the web, but, idk, that is “cold”, not human. I feel like I need actual, 3-D people to…walk next to (for lack of better phrasing)…in this new territory. Again, I’m not sure if that makes sense. Most of my existence and being and thoughts and feelings are followed by “not sure that makes sense” these days. Sigh. Quote:
Quote:
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![]() I struggle with my identity in several ways. List, seems like my norm. I try to figure out “who I am” because if I can answer/define myself, then this lost thing will go away. Somehow, though, I don’t think this is possible. But, maybe, there is a puzzle piece of “me” missing - the possible DID. Maybe, this will shed light onto a different path or something. Give me a new framework to work with or something. Then again, maybe not. Idk. Thanks for listening/reading - sorry I rambled. — lemonSys
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“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() Breaking Dawn
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#12
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Hey, @fuzxybear —
I appreciate your response ![]() Quote:
Quote:
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See you ‘round. — lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() Breaking Dawn
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#13
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You are helping us, lemonSys.
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * ![]() |
![]() Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() lemonSys
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#14
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@Breaking Dawn —
I’m not sure how I’m helping, but it’s nice to hear that I am. Ty ![]() [ Also, I’m wondering: how do you post those cute variations of “hugs” gifs? ] — lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear
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![]() Breaking Dawn
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#15
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Quote:
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"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * ![]() |
![]() Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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![]() lemonSys
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#16
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@Breaking Dawn —
Just wanted to say that… ![]() Thanks muchly!! ![]() —lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear
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#17
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You're welcome! I'm so glad you found them!
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__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * ![]() |
![]() Fuzzybear
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![]() lemonSys
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#18
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Thinking of you lemonSys. How are things going?
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![]() Breaking Dawn, lemonSys, stahrgeyzer
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#19
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Hey @ Fuzzybear
![]() Appreciate your asking. However, I can’t really answer. For the past week (I think…I suck with time) I have been hard core - fully invested - in what I have come to call “rabbit-holing”. It’s where I take dives into anything and everything, fully immersing and losing myself, in order to 120% avoid thinking/reflecting/processing/dealing/experiencing reality - past reality, present reality, possible future realities. It’s probably not the best thing to do, rabbit-holing, but I can’t. I just can’t. How bout you and yours? Calm waters? Rapids? — lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear, stahrgeyzer
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#20
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[ Just a post to check out my new signature ]
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Fuzzybear
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![]() Breaking Dawn
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#21
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Hey lemonSys,
I'm ok right now, relatively calm waters. I love your new signature, I read that long ago. ''The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven'' (Milton, Paradise Lost)
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![]() Breaking Dawn, lemonSys, stahrgeyzer
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![]() lemonSys
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#22
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Got sad news this morning. Important person in me past is gone bye bye. I shoulda kept in contact better, ya know? I wishes. But I did not. Now, I look but she died in 2019. I did not know. And now knowing is sadddd. Cheeks wetted then when I cried. But snuggled out, got dry and better and then had regular scheduled therapy. And more wet cheeks there now too. And and and now all day and now too it’s like am I who? I feel like so many and at the same, too. I feel I know all every kind at once. From second to min I changing and no one can grasp enough. I sad very very much saddd. No bye byes. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone
gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, mote.of.soul, stahrgeyzer
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#23
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Quote:
No longer undergoing eval. Conclusion: yep, i am. — lemonSys
__________________
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” — John Milton, Paradise Lost |
![]() Breaking Dawn, stahrgeyzer
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