very triggering............... child alters...

My head hurts... and my tummy has owies... I am not sure why I am posting... everyone must be sick of me by now.....

just hurting so so much right now...

I am so so so so sick......




since last week... my head has hurt... I am flooded by memories... and can't seem to make the process stop...

from talking to my therapist today.. I believe that it is from some alters reaching co-consiousness... so.. it is a "share" on their part..

I have a child alter... who is 12... and has a huge heart.. so kind.. so loving.. she wants to please everyone and give everyone what they need...

So.. this 12 year old alter... makes alot of adult decisions.. concerning my life...

and the therapist.. keeps asking.. why we..the adults allow that...

and.. he had one of the adults talk to her.. right there.. right then..today.. in session...

and..in the process found out..

that everytime my mom.. went into the ICU.. for her heart... my father.. would come to the private family room... and ask my sister.. 2 years older and my child alter - 12.. what to do... these were life and death decisions.... whether to do open heart surgery... whether to put her on a vent... whether to wait and do surgery.. that I was allowed to be in the ICU... to see my mom.. hooked up.. and on a vent.. with desperate eyes.. that connected with mine... trying to tell me her fear..
it is one reason.. I was selectively mute it seems.. the horror....

My mom.. was in and out of the hopsital since my childhood... thru until 5 years ago...

So... my 12 year old.. is used to making adult decisions - she had to... all the time..

And I understand my father... though he did molest me.. and physically abuse me...

At 8 years old.. the sleigh that his sister and his mom.. there was an accident... and... the sleigh overturned... and they were hurt..

Back during that day and time - people called everything "stone cancer" when they didn't know what it was.. so they spent a year or so... in a "nursing home" of some type.. and passed...
And my father's father.. passed from grief shortly after...

so my father.. lost 3 people .... and was farmed out.. all over.. to relatives that hurt him...

I don't know that I can bear the pain..

My own pain....

My father's pain..

My mother's pain..

It is the pain that.. this child alter endures... day after day... inside of us... and.. I think it is becoming unbearable.. and there is no one that can help...

I think... that I must have an out... because I cannot bear this...

does anyone.. at all hear me screaming?????? please help if you do...

shhhhhh baby..... i hear you. let me sooth you, keep you in a safe place..... my light is burning for you and the little ones ...... i'm holding you tight. Don't be afraid. treasure is here with you too ..... she is feeling better and holds out her little hand for you .... please take it and be calm.

Noone can hurt you now, you're safe and sound just like treasure.

holding you, holding you. You are loved. I care, you are so special. here for you always, Kerry and treasure xoxoxoxoxo

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))))))))))) Sitting quietly with you.

BB

i hear you freewill.... and i am listening... i don't get tired of listening to you... stay safe... and know i care...lyn

Freewill

I will sit with you and listen if you want to talk some more. I care about you and I really hope you feel better soon.

BJ

(((((((((((((free)))))))))))))))
Here...mint tea for the tummy owies...
it is good that they are gaining co-consciousness. in time the pain will lessen.

"and the therapist.. keeps asking.. why we..the adults allow that..."

I hope this was asked of you all with kindness - i was asked the same with no kindness. it isn't like the adults in the system knew. the children (as you know and have stated) had to make the adult descisions... so why would that change? When adults that we see do not act as adults, how then can our own system adults act differently?

So much pain, free... let it wash through you all and away... let it be turned to healing.... let it be acknowledged and released like hot burning sand that can be let go and allow the cool waters to heal the wounds.

i think it good that you and your T are getting somewere and that child alter may seem bad or over whelming but there is probably a good reason why she was created like with me i keep all feelings inside tell no 1 but myself and inside of me there is a crying man who holds all these thought inside its good to get this off ur mind hope you get some were

(((((((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))))))))))

Taking back the memories.....hearing and understanding things as an adult is so difficult and painful for sure. Your system did the best it could during those days my friend. I'm sure you are now doing the best you can too.....Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers......hoping you feel better today.


sabby