Ugh!

Well I have had therapy today. Last week T kind of told me off for never talking about stuff. Gosh it's not that bloody easy!

Anyway, this week T decides to take a real bash at it. We discussed the teenagers and 5/6 year old. It was hard, hard, hard.

T said I did very well to be able to talk about it but I'm feeling really really ill now. Anxiety is right up the shoot now. (Bad girl for talking about it.)

I have instructions to keep the adult parts there, that's bloody hard. How the heck am I supposed to do that?

Ugh!

Hopefully now you've opened up more, T will be able to help more with this

And you aren't bad for talking about it ((((((((((( pegasus )))))))))))))

(((((((((((( Fuzzybear ))))))))))))) Thank you for replying and supporting me.

I really don't know what to do.

(((((( Pegasus ))))))


Don't really have any advice but I hope you're feeling better soon. You're not bad at all for talking about it, talking about it is a step closer to recovery.

Thanks Griffe.

T said it was the first time we managed to say a couple of paragraphs instead of just a sentence. That's sad really considering I have been in therapy for ever!

He said it'll all be worth it in the end. Bollocks! I can't see that right now. He doesn't have to cope with this does he?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Sounds like you're doing great Pegasus. Keep up the good work. It's hard talking in T but you did it. Good job

Oh! You did make me smile wanttoheal, that is a gift you have!

((((((((((((((((((((((( peg )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Whenever something new comes out with T - whether is is another "self", or me telling him something that happened in my past, or whatever - I feel SO SO uncomfortable for a while that someone "knows". Ugh. BUT, once a little time has gone by, and I can get used to him knowing, and I can see that he still accepts me, I kind of assimilate that new information into my experience ("T knows, but it's still okay") and I feel better and can move on.

For me, I usually have to call T to touch base just to see if he still accepts me. He'll leave me phone messages that I can listen to until my next appointment so when I start to freak out about who/what he now knows, I can listen to the message and know that everything will still be okay.

Can you call T if you need to??

((((((((((((((((((((((( pegasus )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks earthmama

As I walked out the door today, I asked T whether he now thought I was a 'disgusting' person or something like that. T said it wasn't me that he thought was disgusting.

Mmm....

Yes I can call T if I need to.

hope you dont mind me posting here
but i thought i would give you a hug

(((((((((((pegasus)))))))))))))

i know going to t can leave you feeling worse coz you been talking about the stuff you hide rest of time your doing

Thank you for thinking of me, I was beginning to think no one cared.

I want to kill someone right now but I won't, don't worry.

You're doing the best you can after your own ability.

any thing you can go take that energy out on without hurting your self or others

Thanks Nina

Katheryn, I really don't know what to do right now I don't want to make things even worse.

I'l have to ring T tomorrow I guess, I feel like a complete idiot.

pegs, it sounds like things are difficult at the moment. My T tells me to keep the adult around but i find it really hard also.

Thanks girls.

Pegasus,

I know you don't know me yet, but I wanted to applaud you for doing something that took more effort and courage than anyone else can ever know - you were VERY BRAVE.

Sometimes I feel "contaminated" when I tell things I've hidden for so long; its just gross and icky for a while after. I am sure you have good reasons to be angry and to want to kill someone. I know you won't do it because it would make you like them and you spent so much effort to not be like them. I did too. I want to be a good person and not be like them.

One thing I have begun to learn is that when I can finally say something - bring it out into the light - then things can change or begin to heal. I'm always so scared to put it out into the light, like it will kill me or make me go crazy, but it NEVER does. When I can say what really happened I somehow get stronger and realize the real shame is ALL theirs, not mine.

I don't do hugs much, so this is me clapping for you!

Ya, your doing everything right, just is tons hard. There are things i wish i could get out so maybe i could see if the world still excepts me once and for all, but ya know, they do, everything i've ever shared has hurt but understanding in return. I always feel so bad but in a few days i think wow, he or she still loves me after i told them, wow!
You are great for being so brave!!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
___Shadow___ said:
I always feel so bad but in a few days i think wow, he or she still loves me after i told them, wow!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, exactly! It's just the "few days" between the telling and the realizing that we're still accepted/loved that are so, so, so hard.

I just talked to T about this at my last session. I had told him some things I hadn't shared before, and I realized that I was going to go home and feel really icky because I always have this period of time between telling and realizing I'm still accepted where I feel so anxious and horrible. He said "well, let's see if we can shorten that time" and told me how much he still accepts me, cares for me, etc.....and that if anything, I seem LESS "crazy" (my word, not his) the more he hears of my story. Did it help? Maybe a little, but it didn't totally fix it. Still had to go through the few days of anxiety...maybe just a little less than usual.

Thank you (((((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))) for being here when I needed.

I feel a lot better at the moment, than I did yesterday.

The thing is T did give me some warning the week before that he was changing the therapy. I have been with him over 6 years and we have done pretty much everything I thought. It was more like an interrogation! I'd like to ring him up and tell him what I think of him!

I don't remember everything that happened in therapy right now, but then that's pretty normal for me. But I do remember him saying over and over that I was 'conditioned' and had absolutely no choice in everything that happened.

Thanks all.

(((((((((((((( Pegasus )))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad you are feeling better today. Isn't it amazing the difference a day can make? It's hard when feeling raw and exposed to not allow the feelings of fear/anger/etc etc from being in the forefront I'm sure.

Know that you are loved and cared for and definitely not alone!


sabby

Thanks sabby, you are very kind.

Got a handle on the whole thing for the moment anyway!

Until the next time!

((((((((((((( pegasus ))))))))))))))

Hey g/f you can me anytime you need or want to ok?


sabby

I am so glad I have such understanding friends here.

Thank you ((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))) and (((((((((((( sabby )))))))))))