Freaked Out

Well the good news is I'm seriously considering telling my parents about the sexual abuse I experienced when I was 15. I feel it's closely linked to my symptoms. I am 20, but live at home with my mom, while attending college.

The glass panel is like a wall between me and everyone else, but it's obviously an invisible wall. When I'm behind the wall, I can't relate to people at all. I feel like they aren't even real people, like maybe they don't really exist. It's not just people, but things too. Things that would normally be important to me I have this huge mental distance from.

If I'm talking to someone I'm close to, like my boyfriend, I'll tell him I feel different, weird, fake, dead, but I can't really explain the feeling beyond that. That's what the glass panel is, an extreme mental distance not just from my emotions but from everything, even my own body. He'ss been very supportive about it though, and he's the one who's been encouraging me to talk about the sexual abuse.

The biggest hurdle is when I'm dissassociating, you can be the most important person to me in the world but I won't be able to feel any connection to you whatsoever. I am cut off from the world, and I just have to wait for it to pass.

Disassociating but this time differently. I feel as if I'm in a dream. Like I'm on drugs, except I've never used drugs so I wouldn't know. Everything feels kind of...vague. Not real, made-up, fantasy. I see these things around me, but..they feel different. Like flat, and fake, and just...vague and unreal. I feel like I'm floating. Like I don't belong to my body. It's odd. Nothing seems...normal. All vague.

Hello Again,
Seems I am subscribed to your thread and so I know when you post. Thoughts running thru my mind on this... First thought I'll get back to... Second thought, do you live alone? Is it possible that someone is giving you drugs in food , water, something like that that you dont know about? Seems like you are still in touch with reality in any case although something different about it... you still part of it.... First thought... and this might be far out, but did you every think this might be some other part of your personality that you never experienced before... like another facet of you thru some talent or psychic thing maybe that you can do or that you are experiencing that you are not familiar with yet? Also, have they checked you all out for physical problems? Lastly, could this be a alter that perhaps does use drugs that you are experiencing?... You sound like you are taking this all in a very good spirit... that also sounds really super to me....Keep us posted.
marg

Hay Hi!...
Just found this in my email... Just first time I ever heard anybody say what I was feeling too about people not seeming real.... Did you ever think sometimes while it is happening that maybe you are in some game of somebody of some sort and it's not real... like all people are relating to you but it's all fake....? Don't know what it means but I've experienced this type of thing. When I read what you wrote it kind of gave me the shivvers...I've tried to tell this to people but they sort of shrug me off and their responce will even make me feel weirder.
Aside, about having a boyfriend... You might want to hold on to him if he is nice. I've spent my life alone. Seems what happens is that when you realize this is happening to you , you might start to feel that no body would want you or want to have to go thru this...but it's a mistake. If he loves you he won't feel that way... I'm saying this because I've spent a long time ALONE...Thought nobody wanted me and that I couldn't hold a relationship...just stayed with parents...I suppose you kind of feel parents may want you. Thought I'd mention it... It might be something to consider down the road if you ever consider having feelings questioning self worth or any loss of self esteem.