round and round

we have allowed ourself to dig us into a deep hole while trying to deal with new memories that have suddenly surfaced. we really are trying not to dwell on them. but the more that the little movie camera in our head flashes the images and the sounds the more frustrated we become, which makes it harder to make them go away. it is a viscous circle. she dont want to be this selfish needy little person ishe dont even want to be this self because maybe someone inside was not onboard when the memory struck and he or she would not have this memory and then we would be okay......but were not far enuf along to know how to find that out or what we would do about it if we knew. if did is supposed to be such a great survival mechanism as T calls it then y does it hurt so bad? doing this therapy thing is definitely THE hardest thing i can recall having done in a long time. harder then we expected and likely to not get easier. we keep telling ourself that nothing wothwhile comes easy. that said, we have been seeing pdocs off and on since 13 years old mary is 45 they all tell u it gets easier but it never does. they have no problem slapping on new labels and telling u everything will be ok. it never is. T has no problem with directing conversation towards shakey ground and then leaving her to walk out her guts dragging on the ground. when old T telled us we are did, she was too gentle meaning she kept saying "this is a good thing. you can recover from this. it means you are really smart and creative. you are a survivor". rite now mary is thinking she should have walked out of therapy that day and said to the varmints with your pills and your treatment and your labels because here we sits almost 2 years later and symptoms only get worse, not gooder!( have been steady in therapy now fro about 4 and a half years) we understand that this is a slow difficult process but we do not have a clue what we are supposed to do with all the garbage that goes along with therapy, especially in between sessions. ( journalling is not very effective because it only seems to make the garbage more real, not less) we dont even understand what its gonna be like when the day arrives that we are told your therapy has been successful and is complete will we really feel any gooder? enuf to make this worth it? when we see a particularly challenging set of steps to climb, we know what the goal is.... the top of the steps.we have a pretty realistic idea of how difficult it will be to get to the top of the steps. we can make a reasonably level-headed decision about whether or not the 'goal' is worth the effort when were talking steps. all of this therapy and did-related stuff we cannot understand it is too new. we dont even know if we want to unerstand it because we have no previous experience to evin begin to compare it to in order to make it all make sense somehow. except the mental illness labels that have been pinned to her back for what seems like ever and we have never gotten 'well' from any of them half of them we have now been told were wrong. anyway back to the rembemberies what does her supposed to do with them .. well not that exactly more like how do we make them go away? for crying out loud we dont even know what the right questions is to ask. "here we go round the mulberry bush" indeed!
anyway for anyone who actually has the patience to read thru this and it makes sense.....we're all (frostbitten) ears plllllllllleeeassssssssseeee

beadlady

(((((((((((((((Beadlady))))))))))))))))))))
lots of safe hugs if you want them.
kiya

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bead}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Wish I had some answers for you but I don't. I just know that you need to go through the dark tunnel to get to the other side where the light is.

Know that I care very much for you.

i care. i read every word beadlady. i wish like crazy that i had healing words to help.

i've been doing this for 14 years. not that i'm bragging mind you. i never thot it would take this long. its been slow. nobody, until recently could ever accuse me of being an optimist. but i am glad i am still here. i go up and down but i'm still here and i am somehow needed on the planet and i do not have permission to leave yet.

please hang in here. pain has a bad habit of altering our vision, limiting our range of sight. it will get better. maybe you need to make your goals more approachable - as in getting better, not being "all fixed, totally ok..." my goal is finding a way to live at peace with myself and i know i will get there.

i do care about you and all your others !!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Beadlady)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Healing can be a long process and is so very difficult to go through. Maybe you can talk to your t and make some smaller goals along the way so you don't feel so "stuck". Please don't give up hope.

BB

(((((((((((Beadlady)))))))))))))) I so understand those feelings. Some days it does feel like it's not going to get better and some days I wonder why the heck I started therapy in the beginning. I told T once, it was so much better before I knew what the heck was going on. She said it wasn't really, but I just didn't have awareness about what was going on. I was still in distress and it was hard for me and those around me, but I was off in my inside world not even knowing.

I do think things can get better but the problem is that we have been living in hell. T said sometimes we have to walk through hell to get to the ladder on the other side to get out. I just keep trying to picture that ladder on the other side. Hang in there beadlady.

(((((((((((((((( beadlady )))))))))))))))))

((((( beadlady )))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

oh freind you bet we could definitely use some safe hugs about now!!!!!!!!!!!
we accepts,,,,,,,,,we say thank you............and we send a bunch rite back to you!!!!!!!!

take care.

mary

((((((((((((((((((((((SeptemberMorn)))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much for your sweet, kin-hearted reply.
ya know, we are sure that there IS a ilte at the end of the tunnel......its just that rite now it seem so very far away..and we are SO tired of the darkness!!
still........we are trying to have hope we'll get thre one of these days

God bless and take care...

mary

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mulitpixies}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

you dont know how much it helps to know that your out there, you care and you understand!
bead also dont have permission to leave this planet yet, altho there are still times when we widh we did. Patienceficult to have with ourselfs these days!
You are so rite.......between the outside pain and the inside pain put tog. it can be really difficult to put things in the proper perspective and have a postiive attitude. We are trying..............these days we wish we could look in from the outside instead of being on the inside looking out because maybe bead would see tings more clearly and realistically. Bead just wants peace too.........and maybe a little joy once in a while!!

we are sure you will 'get there' in due time ( maybe your closer then you thnk).....so will bead one day....maybe its just the hell that we seem to be continuing to walk thru that we're so sick of..

bead send all of u lots of safe hugs.............so glad to know u care and lets u know that we cares about u's also

take care

mary

good bear....good bear.........good bear.......

you are so rite......bead definitely has a tendency to set unrealistic goals for ourself and then beats herself up when she cant reach them!!!!!!!!!!we will def. talk to T about setting some that are more easily attainable( yet still challenging enuf that we will not lose interst.if that makes any sense)
bead is try so hard to get 'unstuck' and we know that we has reason to hope...just kinda unsure what we have the hope in rite now.oh well at least the desire to keep putting one foot in fron of the other is still here ( no matter hjow slow we is going)
thanks so much

mary

((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))
bead is looking towards the ladder too......even envisioning climbing up the ladder one day!!!!!!!!
Maybe we can walk towards it tog?!
u are always so understanding with bead and it helps way more then u know!!!!!!!!!!!!



mary

awwwwwwwwwww

(((((((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((MP))))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks so much for being here!!!!!!

mary

((((((((((((((((beadlady29))))))))))))))

bead would like to thank all of you for your continung support. dont know what we would do without ye all here!

mary

Haven't seen you in awhile Mary. I have often wondered how you are.

hi mary, it has been awhile since i saw you around. i am sending you some gentle hugs and good wishes for you.

please take good care of yourselves and be gentle with all of yourself.

leslie and pixies

(((((((((((((((((((((bead)))))))))))))))))))))) Know I am here.

BB

((((((((((bead))))))))))
we Zorahs are here too
where are you ?
we have been looking for you, are you alright ?

(((((((((((((((Sannah))))))))))))))))
((((((((((Leslie and pixies))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((Zorahs)))))))))))))))))
so glad ye all are here with bead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no zo.we si not quite okay
we will click above
hugs
bead

sorry we was not around when you needed us.......... please know that l am here



mandyxx

we seem to be stuck in the tunnel today. we have written....aabout our feelings present.......about memories past.........and about feelings present again............just so much darkness.

guess thats how this day shall be spent.

bead

Good work Mary!

I am here to sit with you in the darkness. Pleaes know it will not always be so painful.

BB