[___Shadow___]

finally have computer back and part of my brain...
Hope evryone is doing o.k.
Hope I'm still welcome
Hard months, very hard and am just so freaked out today.
well most days ...reALLY!!
BUT, How can I think 3 different ways at the same time?
I'm upset/mad with a cause, but part of me wants to be so nice but never wins that, and yet another part wwants to have fun and rarly wins that and so the mad sticks till I'm sad and depressed and not know what to do with self. grrr, why how can I know part of me are struggling to do other things and that they shouldn't win cause that's not right AND YET wish they did so I could have been a part that was way more likes but stuck in the unlike state of nothing ness. Did that make sense?
K, let me try one more time Honestly
My husband says things dogmatic(neg flare)
I'm mad (((((DEFENCIVE)))))
I then think ....I't over
But part of me thinks I want him, NOW to hug and dress in the new jacket I bought him
But no, at the same time, I feel I should just go to bed cause it's all I can do! Nothing makes sense
Nobody is screAMING AT ME INSIDE
sO I feel I'm maybe just moody and not smartt
grrr, there I go again
well, Hope to rammble more oftyen nowws whith yous

[pegasus]

Hey! Welcome back (((((((( Shadow )))))))))

Internal struggles, internal struggles, internal struggles... I know so well!

[nothemama8]

Welcome back Shadow, we're here to listen

[___Shadow___]

But if I have to inturnal Struggle like this all my rest of life, not know how
will I settle, will I survive, i'm a reck, but i'm not,
On days that I don't have that 3 of me feeling, It's so good, I'm calmish, at a peaceful time and then all hell break loss the moment anything triggers a nother feeling
I'm tired
And thank yous for the welcome BACK

[pegasus]

Mmm... I think with me Shadow it was going from not knowing anything about the other parts to learning and knowing about the other parts. It took a lot of therapy to find out about the differences, all so very different. And then it was about allowing 'time out' and not 'going away' and staying with. Lots of nurturing was needed for all the parts to feel safe.

Although there are internal struggles I can say it can work well and peace is achieveable. Honest!

[___Shadow___]

but then if you didn't know the other parts where there how did it make a mess for your life
I deny my parts and say to self, they are just moods
but if they where just moods Ièd be able to tell them to stop.
Not happening!
How do we know if where just moody or if we are really splitÉ
lable would say split but are we reallyÉ
MOody without knowledge of how to better ourselfs, heehee
Ièm being a smart ***** to myself, grrrr
Ièm in a state of ummm, agervation( or however you spell)
canèt clean up house, not able to move, canèt feel my hands but yet Ièm wqriting

[pegasus]

but then if you didn't know the other parts were there how did it make a mess of your life.

As a child I had learnt to go 'away' (dissociate) in the face of extreme trauma. This carried on into adulthood, so basically an awful lot of my life was 'missing' Severe trauma.

Do you have a therapist to work through your feelings Shadow?

[___Shadow___]

Well ya Ièll have a T in Dec. For now Iè,m on my owe with you all tho. Thank god for that, Ièm so lost. I hate my head!!
I went away in my head too as a child and didnèt know till lately just what this meant. and yesterday when my mom asked me to shake on a deal, I couldnèt feel my hand, I was so scared...so wanting to scream. She said, You shake wasnèt convincing and asked for a stronger shake and then I felt like I hurt her almost with the shake and she said is that it, like she thought I had nothing to shake on and that Ièd go back on my deal. I only felt like I was doing it right and I wasnt. And when I talked to my kids teaches late night for parent teacher interveiws, I felt like I wasnèt there. But I remember some of what was said so I must have been there but IT feels like a dream, and again Ièm scared. all this morning I feel in and out, like Ièm seeking help but for what, what will sink in, what will be heard etc

[pegasus]

Hug (((((((( Shadow ))))))))))

Stress can make it worse for sure, do something nice just for you, sounds like you have a lot of worries right now. I'm glad you are seeing a T soon, we are here also for you.

[___Shadow___]

Thank you so much.

[multipixie9]

i'm glad you are back, shadow. i hope i'll get to know you this time around. keep posting.

leslie and all

[iamtwilight]

good to have you back (((shadow)))!

sorry i don't have anything profound to say, but i just wanted you to know i can really relate to your post. being this way doesn't make you, say, "not smart". quite the opposite, actually.


twilight

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))))))))))))) Welcome back. Maybe you can all try and share with each other your feelings, wants and concerns and learn to care for each other and lean on each strengths. Just a suggestion. I know it is hard but it may bring some peace.

BB