[vulnerome]

Bit of background:

Have always had a dissociative tendency, and in the past few years have been quite flickery at times, but for the most part this just results in leaving, coming to in strange places, finding otherwise inexplicable things in my flat, or hearing reports of uncharacteristic conversations. A few times have ended up in a right mess, which was truly terrifying, but balanced by the fact that I somehow got myself off to A&E (your ER). Because of the dangerous incidents have always gone to great lengths to ground myself and stay in myself.

Have never gone into another person, merely left myself.

However, when I was a teenager I created a pseudo-alter. She was called Lucy and was a very strong character. She was just for me, not to feign DID in front of others, and when I was her in public she'd have just seemed ultra-confident and thrill seeking. She got too powerful, too real, so I killed her off, not without some struggle. A year or so ago she made herself known again, which spooked me not a little, but promptly vanished so thought little of it until she let me know she was still there just last week.

More alarmingly a young girl really did come out last night - not a pseudo, but a real person. I was super fragile, overwrought, exhausted and scared when she appeared. Something triggered her to come out into a situation that was wholly inappropriate for a nine year old, and placed her in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She gave her name as my name, but I somehow know that we do not share a name - she was hiding something.

Hoping it was just a one off thing, but really disturbed that a child came out to protect me and would love some advice on getting stronger so that she no longer has need to place herself in danger. She handled it better than I would have, but no child should ever have to be there.

Just makes me feel sad, or funny, or something, and yeah. Advice would be cool.

[Kiya]

Hi,
Well, from what I have learned, is you are "coming to in strange places" chances are that there is another working in your place. You just don't know about it. You are gone, but someone is functioning, or you wouldn't be going anywhere, yes?
things to think about. I, too, have things show up in my place that I don't know how they got there. Another is getting them while I don't know about it.
Best, Kiya

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by vulnerome

Bit of background:

Have always had a dissociative tendency, and in the past few years have been quite flickery at times, but for the most part this just results in leaving, coming to in strange places, finding otherwise inexplicable things in my flat, or hearing reports of uncharacteristic conversations. A few times have ended up in a right mess, which was truly terrifying, but balanced by the fact that I somehow got myself off to A&E (your ER). Because of the dangerous incidents have always gone to great lengths to ground myself and stay in myself.

Have never gone into another person, merely left myself.

However, when I was a teenager I created a pseudo-alter. She was called Lucy and was a very strong character. She was just for me, not to feign DID in front of others, and when I was her in public she'd have just seemed ultra-confident and thrill seeking. She got too powerful, too real, so I killed her off, not without some struggle. A year or so ago she made herself known again, which spooked me not a little, but promptly vanished so thought little of it until she let me know she was still there just last week.

More alarmingly a young girl really did come out last night - not a pseudo, but a real person. I was super fragile, overwrought, exhausted and scared when she appeared. Something triggered her to come out into a situation that was wholly inappropriate for a nine year old, and placed her in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She gave her name as my name, but I somehow know that we do not share a name - she was hiding something.

Hoping it was just a one off thing, but really disturbed that a child came out to protect me and would love some advice on getting stronger so that she no longer has need to place herself in danger. She handled it better than I would have, but no child should ever have to be there.

Just makes me feel sad, or funny, or something, and yeah. Advice would be cool.

You say you are not DID but I would say you are definitely in the dissociative scale somewhere. Many people go into denial about it. I have looked through some of your threads and you have been in therapy before. It would be a good idea to explore this a little further with a therapist.

((((((( vulnerome )))))))

[vulnerome]

Yeah, on the scale for sure, just really disconcerted by this latest development and not sure what to do. Was in a very funny place for some time afterwards and still really upset by it.

Will mention it to my therapist. Had a horrible flashbacky experience about a fortnight ago and had dismissed it as my imagination but this is making me question that assumption.

On the other hand, I've always been super-sensitive as regards what is going on with other people and go through odd things as a result, so it could all be my head playing tricks on me rather than anything real as it were.

Thanks for the messages and support.

XXXX

[multipixie9]

hi vulnerome,

i am highly dissociative and i also had a very strong denial part of my system of alters. it was just one more way to protect myself in some situations.

in working with my T the denial began to be a problem rather than a help. finally the denial system began to let down bit by bit and acknowledge the rest of the alters.

all that was to say this, i finally began to listen more closely to what went on inside of my head and i began to talk to different parts of myself that i had ignored before or even refused to acknowledge at all before.

this has been good because it helped the system to calm down some and stop all the constant in-fighting that was going on. as i begin to address the needs of different parts inside me there is more peace and more working together.

please don't take offense at what i say next. i found it rather chilling that you "killed off" the one you called Lucy. if the parts of you see you as trying to "get rid of them or kill them off" you are likely to have some parts acting out in ways that could be dangerous or damaging. parts have self-protective instincts too, you know and will fight to protect the life they know.

i have gotten somewhat better now that i see myself as needing to help ALL the parts get what they need and help all the parts to heal from the damage of our past.

i certainly applaud you for your protective stance toward the 9 year old who should not have been placed in a situation that could be harmful to her.

talking to your T about all of this may lead to some good changes for you all. good luck.

leslie

Wow, your story sounds kinda like mine
nice to know it's not just me

[vulnerome]

*safe hugs to Leslie and Kaika*

Thanks for the replies.

XX

[we13]

I used to tell my T that he saw multiples in trees and I wasn't one of them...after all I was sexually acting out and putting the body in danger and I didn' t feel I was doing anything wrong. Denial is the first step in the process. good luck with your therapist. I have been loaded up with heavy tranqs because MPD(DID) doesn't exist. Good luck, just be careful. One day the light bulb will go on. You know what I call false memory people-perpitrators.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((vulnerome)))))))))))))) I'm glad you have a T who can help you figure out things going on for you. I spent a lot of time in denial, trying to find any other reason for what was going on for me. Good luck as you continue on the path to healing.

[genn]

I think your worries are appropiates, but you have to make a decision on
who can help you. I don't have clear are you seen a T that have expertise on DID disorders? They are the one which can guide you, and let you know if what are experience is a DID disorder.

Let me know

Edna

Originally Posted by vulnerome

Bit of background:

Have always had a dissociative tendency, and in the past few years have been quite flickery at times, but for the most part this just results in leaving, coming to in strange places, finding otherwise inexplicable things in my flat, or hearing reports of uncharacteristic conversations. A few times have ended up in a right mess, which was truly terrifying, but balanced by the fact that I somehow got myself off to A&E (your ER). Because of the dangerous incidents have always gone to great lengths to ground myself and stay in myself.

Have never gone into another person, merely left myself.

However, when I was a teenager I created a pseudo-alter. She was called Lucy and was a very strong character. She was just for me, not to feign DID in front of others, and when I was her in public she'd have just seemed ultra-confident and thrill seeking. She got too powerful, too real, so I killed her off, not without some struggle. A year or so ago she made herself known again, which spooked me not a little, but promptly vanished so thought little of it until she let me know she was still there just last week.

More alarmingly a young girl really did come out last night - not a pseudo, but a real person. I was super fragile, overwrought, exhausted and scared when she appeared. Something triggered her to come out into a situation that was wholly inappropriate for a nine year old, and placed her in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She gave her name as my name, but I somehow know that we do not share a name - she was hiding something.

Hoping it was just a one off thing, but really disturbed that a child came out to protect me and would love some advice on getting stronger so that she no longer has need to place herself in danger. She handled it better than I would have, but no child should ever have to be there.

Just makes me feel sad, or funny, or something, and yeah. Advice would be cool.

[vulnerome]

Haven't a clue what her expertise is, she wouldn't tell me. Have mentioned dissociation to her before, but pretty scared about mentioning a person so kind of avoiding my T. The girl was very present today - was a bit of a battle to protect her and all sort of other odd stuff was going on. Think she's as conscious of me as I am of her but she's not divulging anything - probably quite wisely.

Gah, so confused. It's all just because I'm too suggestible.

Thank you all so much for the support. XXXX