just feathers today, please

i just need to share this with someone who understands. my partner tries his best (and i appreciate it... most of the time ), but it's difficult for someone who doesn't know what it's like, to understand it. for someone who dissociates only under the influence of alcohol/drugs and thinks it's "fun" - it's difficult to understand indeed.

i know over the online one can only do so much - and especially when i am in a completely different continent, in a different culture. but i feel this is the place where i am understood, instead of being ridiculed / ignored / invalidated.

READ ONLY IF IN A GOOD PLACE.




push the seats back a little further, roll the windows and take a breath



yeah, so last night i went to bed around 1 am (usually i go to bed around 4, a bad habit i desperately need to break) and woke up in the clothes closet. i was shivering like heck, and the heart was pounding at least 100 bpm per minute. i couldn't see anything and i thought i had been drugged and left to die. and when i had found myself out and could actually see something, i realized i had gone there myself. so i thought that someone in the system might've overdosed on medication and gone to the closet to die.

i went to the living room and thought it was morning already because my boyfriend was watching a movie and i could hear the noise, it was so loud. i was shaking and crying like mad, but he came to comfort me and we checked all the med bottles to see if anything was missing, but it was difficult to say because i have taken some of the meds, and there was quite a bit left.

the only dangerous medication i have is lithium, i have a little less than a 100 tablets of it, and a couple of risperdal that were still there. maybe it was just some caffeine pills that made the heart pound?

but i'm just scared if there is someone who is planning to commit suicide, and even worse, i don't think i have any communication with them.

guess all i can do... is just wait and see. i'm not afraid of death, i'm just disappointed if it happens now, there's so much to do, so many people to talk to. i'm just getting started.

things and circumstances are rather difficult right now, but i thought i was the only one who took them so seriously. i didn't think it was a valid reason to get upset. i didn't know anyone else could get upset about it! not even in the system.

for those who made it this far and intend on replying:

1. i'm not in psychotherapy - just seeing a psych nurse. this is the second one.
2. i have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and i admit, i have been psychotic quite a few times in my life (hallucinations different from flashbacks, delusions that are in no way related to abuse etc) - so all the dissociative symptoms are associated with psychosis. they treat it with medication, but:
3. i don't take any medication, except benzos when anxiety goes up the roof.

conclusion: i need to find another way to get into psychotherapy. maybe i need to be more honest. i can't say i think i'm DID. i don't even know myself. well, it's some sort of dissociation that has absolutely nothing to do with psychosis. i don't want to go there with a 10 page report of how i fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for this and that. but i'm just tired of dropping obvious hints and the psych nurse saying that is completely normal, or just ignoring it and giving me a new antipsychotic.

around here the mentality is the following: antipsychotics and antidepressants cure every ailment. no kidding. i have never been in involuntary treatment, in general i don't have any bad experiences except this medication craze that is driving me nuts and pretzels.

still passing needles through me.

better start trying to communicate. doing something for the kids. accepting. i don't know.

thanks for reading this far. sorry it was so long.. cannot process the text right now, maybe later.

torn between halos and demons,
twilight

(((((((( twilight ))))))))

My dear friend, it was hard for me to read this. I am worried for you.

Psychosis is severe distress, something must have set this off. I know you have been through so much. It's so important for you to take care of you right now. I think you need to share what happened to your psych nurse.

Can boyfriend be in charge of the meds for now? Just while this is going on, might be to do with Christmas and bad memories. Let someone know.

I'm here everyday if you need to talk.

((((((((((((((((((((((twilight)))))))))))))))))))) Please share your thoughts and experiences with your psych nurse. I am sorry things are so hard right now. Maybe it is a good idea to have your boyfriend manage your meds for a while.

BB

(((((((((((twilight))))))))))))))

always here for you hun, drop me a pm anytime.

Sending lots of hugs and peaceful thoughts
Sparrow

thanks for reading and being so kind (((pegasus, BB & sparrow)))

it's all still quite hectic, but i imagine a break from home, a little distance to think about things will do some good. and am going to the psych nurse on friday.. have lost huge chunks of time lately.. spose it's better to let someone know.. i don't know what else i can do really, and i'm not entirely sure whether letting her know will lead me into trouble (more antipsychotics that don't work), but you'll never know if you don't do it.

okay... that's all. actually looking forward to meeting up with some friends tomorrow.

twilite

((((((((((iamtwilight)))))))))

i care and i feel concerned for you. i don't think i can advise since i'm pretty much dissociative, depressive and ptsd for issues - so i might be useless here.

it sounds like you may be needing help to work the proper meds and schedule out. please do take good care of you!!!

I think you are an awesome person and I really want you to take care of you so you are around here for a long long long time before you depart the planet. Hang in there!

leslie and the pixies

(((leslie et pixies)))

you are always so kind. thank you so much for writing that. it's always good to know that one would be missed if they were to vanish.. heh.

i'm not so sure if it's the psychosis that's affecting so badly. and the meds are either not working, working for a little while, or making things worse. well, the only ones that work are the ones that put me to sleep so that i won't think. sigh.

well, today's the psych nurse!

wish me luck


twilight

I'm so glad you can see your psych nurse today. I hope it goes well. Please keep us posted.

to all the pixies...

we are thinking of you as you go to your appointment with the nurse...be safe and take great care going...we are having a very bad snowstorm and have lots of snow...it's snowing about 2 inches an hour and has been that way since 2 am...LOTS of snow...please let us know what is going on because we are all concerned about you...abbi

ohh all you kind people,

i am feeling pretty much beyond hope. my boyfriend is getting depressed too. he is trying to find help for me because all i get from the psych nurse is just talking about my feelings and her not even writing anything down, and the pdoc just ups my med dosage that doesn't work at all. it hasn't worked at all in the past, but she put me on it because it didn't have any side-effects. then i asked what if they don't work? she said then they'll put more meds into the mix.

the kids inside are scared. as am i, and "sitara", our protector is intending to walk up to the psych nurse and tell her off.

not going to the hospital. i told the psych nurse that i would just lie that i'm doing fine so i'd get out asap.

well.. i'm not feeling anxious today, maybe it's because of the benzos i took yesterday. but if i tell them that i take benzos to relieve the pain they will think i'm a junkie and will never put me into psychotherapy.

i don't know what to do... my boyfriend gave me a number where you can call if you're not being treated right, i think i'll give her a call.

twilight

i called the number. she is on vacation.

i don't know how much longer i can take this

bf asked me to do some laundry if i wanted to. i don't want to, but i feel like i have to.

i'm sorry i'm dumping all this on you guys.. you don't deserve it, you're always so kind to us... whoever is posting here, i don't even know, but you're always kind no matter what and i keep whining.... please forgive me...


twilite

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{iamtwilight}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

bead hears your distress and pain, and wants you to know that we will
sit here with you during these difficult times

you are NOT alone ther are so many people here that care about you!

have you tried a local community mental health organization?
we sincerely hope that you can find the help that you are desperately seeking and quickly!

here anytime if you ned to talk, just send us a pm

bead

((((((((((((((((( twilight ))))))))))))))))))

twilight, i too would be horribly frustrated (and was in the past) when people just push pills and do NOT listen to us!!!!

you are forgiven for whining, but almost all of us do it some-times and we just need to express frustration and pain and worry.

you said, "if they know i use benzos for pain they will call me a junkie and put me into psychotherapy". i don't want you labeled a junkie as long as you aren't take large amounts over what is prescribed - but the idea of psychotherapy sounds like something that might be helpful. would you consider telling them how horrid things are and how the meds don't work well and see if they can't help you do psychotherapy where you can talk some things over and see if outside help may come from this without nasty labels.

i do care, i know it is very hard now, but i do believe it WILL get better for you. please hang on and believe my belief for you if you don't have some of your own right now. i have enough faith and to spare than things can heal and become more liveable!!! hugs

leslie and her pixies

Hopefully you don't live in the prehistoric forest where I live where they push pills and labels only. **** them!

(((((((((((((((( twilight ))))))))))))))))

((((bead, leslie & pixies, fuzzy))))

words cannot express my appreciation & gratefulness for the support.

i don't even have any words right now, i'm going to see the psych nurse again tomorrow. *sigh*

but i think i'm safe, since the bf is taking care of us. and someone even laughed today? spose that's a good thing.


twilight et al.

SO happy to hear part of you laughed today! That is just awesome! I'm glad your bf is taking good care of you. We are all right here if you ever need to talk. I'm glad you are going to your psych nurse also. That is good taking care of YOU!!! crys

(((crys)))

thanks! i'm kind of dreading the appointment, since i don't think they will do much else except add more meds. talk about illuminati or any conspiracy (sp? sorry, just woke up )...

well, at least she is concerned, since we have met every week this month.


twilight

i re-read everything in this thread and i see i got it wrong about what it takes to get put INTO psychotherapy. keep talking to the nurse and tell her how scary it has been. i know it is hard to trust anyone in the "system", but i think that she needs to know about how things really are for you.

it is hard for you and your bf to get through all this by yourselves. i sure wish they could let you get into some kind of therapy that will help you. if you hold back and don't tell them how it is they will never see how urgently you need attention to these things. the same old meds are not helping, don't let them keep chunking those dumb pills at you.

"The squeeky wheel gets the grease" is an american expression and it is often true that if you do not make some noise you will get overlooked by the medical people.

i do care, please take good care of you, you do matter to us.

leslie and her pixies

((((((((((((((((((((iamtwilight)))))))))))))))))))))))) Please don't give up on therapy. Call every resource you can think of. Your community mental health can help you find some people to call. I am sorry that you are finding these obstacles. While you are searching know we are here for you. You are not alone.

BB

((((((( twilight )))))))

Hope it goes ok with the nurse today, let us know how you get on.

i'm sorry i can't say more right now, feeling real bad.. but massive thank yous for listening and caring.



twilight

edit: for those wondering, i'm safe.

bead wishes you her best for your appt. with the nurse today.

feel free to pm us if you need to talk.

we are here for you.............there is strength in numbers and there are a lot of caring peoples here......lean on us..........

bead

*hugs twilight*
Not much I can add, but I wanted you to know I care and really hope it goes ok.
It sounds like you need someone better than that nurse... maybe there's a way to get that. I really wish I could help

well, it didn't go well. i'm not sure if i've made a new post about this, but all they said was that if the meds don't help, they'll add more meds, and if that don't help, i'll go to hospital EVEN THOUGH I have clearly stated that i will only lie that i am doing fine to get out of the hospital asap.

blach x 3.

i believe you guys care - i finally do. and i love you all. thank you for always being so kind to me, understanding me when i have thought no one else could.


twilight