[turquoisesea]

I've been reading about dissociative disorders.
I'm hoping someone here might be able to help me get an idea what's going on with me... because I"m VERY confused.

I've been experiencing some things... that are similar to what is being talked about... but not at the same time. It's hard for me to describe. I'm confused, and a bit scared. I have major depressive disorder and am on meds for it.

The first time anything happened, I was confronted with the possibility of one of my greatest fears becoming a reality. It was two months ago... ish??? (before any meds)
I switched the way I thought somehow. I kind of acted like a kid... wouldn't think of anything but very very simple things. I put things in terms of "playing a game" or "doing bad/ I did bad" I acted very differently and refused to think seriously. This started happening now and again. I'd bounce around forget all the stuff I had to do, and went to play games and stuff. When I played my cello I was playing the "cello game"... etc. I could remember everything later but it's confusing to talk about because it's not the kind of thing I would do.

I've always had a tendency to hide feelings, but that has also reached an extreme. I'll go completely cold and Icy. I feel like Me, my normal hurting self is being pushed down. And then the me... or that part of me??? because it doesn't really feel like me... and I have different attitudes - is just... so different. Feelings go away. Sometimes the "real me" tries to fight the "Icy me" for control. It normally loses. Last night this happened after I'd been crying for an hour and trying not to hurt myself or do anything silly, and finally I just numbed out. My boyfriend hates me when I'm like that.

Another time.. when I was under my first set of meds (which were bad) I got into a time where I was si'ing very often. I'd go into the kidlike mentality often, but over time it's gotten less happy and more scared. It was so scared. Then there was desire to hurt and the kid didn't want to but that desire took over for a bit. A WHILE back (before meds) there was also the feeling that something inside me was trying to get me to do something... like you know you want to do this and I'd say no I don't... it could get manipulative. I never really thought about it till recently though.

sorry for the long post... I'm confused, disoriented. And often stuck in different levels of the numbness... just 0.0 confused.

on a side note. Been calling hte extreme numbness/icyness "Icy" is that a bad thing x.x

Sorry about the long post. Thanks for reading.
loads of hugs to all

[multipixie9]

turquoisesea,

i'm sorry you are having such a hard time, i can see you are suffering and confused and scared all at the same time. i am someone who is dissociative and some of what you say sounds familiar to me from things i experience.

people here will try to be supportive of you. many will understand. you can talk about feelings, fears and concerns.
none of us here can fix anything, but i know that i have found it helpful to be here and it made me feel better some times and made it easier to accept what ws going on in my life now.

i hid in my mind as a tiny child who had no place of refuge. the abuse was very bad and no one ever helped me, but i feel like this was something i was able to do that kept me from insanity or suicide. it was a strong form of pretending sometimes and other times it was a real escape into another part of my mind. i used to be mad that i was mpd/did. i hated it but finally saw that it was a good thing, it helped save me. the bad people who hurt me said they would kill me if i ever told what they did to me. i believed them and i was a very talkative child, so it was so important that i not talk. so i had to hide my memory from me.

i don't know what i am doing, exactly but i guess i just wanted to show you a bit about a dis. person. we do what all people do, just more extreme. everybody daydreams or checks out when they are bored or they go on "autopilot". its a human thing, its not so weird. its even kinda interesting really. we had the grit to survive terrible things.

hang in there and be kind to yourself. you have some issues and the better you treat yourself the easier it will be on all of you. it is also normal for you to have inside conflicts in your mind because different "parts" use different ways to help themselves and they sometimes have power struggles inside. like i said it is all just human behavior in an extreme.

it also takes brains and creativity to do this. so try to get off your own back and just listen to the inside voices, vibes and vision. it is all you. all of it.

i hope maybe some of this will reassure you or encourage you. i'll be gone from tomorrow through wednesday, so i won't be online much at all. but then i'll be back.

leslie and her pixies

[Jewels]

Turquoisesea,

Life is often a battle of "who done it?", and it isn't until we begin therapy that we figure out that it is way deeper than we ever realized. We are sorry that you are feeling such pain and depression during this time.

Being dissociative is a lot like daydreaming...well, sort of. Everyone does it, but not to the degree that we have gone to. Dissociative disorders are a way of life for those who needed to create new/different people in order to survive a very tumultuous and bad/scary/destructive past. In the beginning it is ok...they protected us, keeping us safe from the memories of the past. Even when getting into therapy, sometimes the host doesn't want to know, denies it ever happened, and there is a huge struggle to reconcile what happened in the past and start from there to understand the ways we were kept safe all these years. It is difficult at best...I can't describe the ways that our host is feeling, because her feelings are all over the place, and she trembles just thinking about what may be true. We all need to belong, to be affirmed, to know we are safe and healthy. But mostly, we are just broken human beings, ravaged by the past, and tossed aside like rag dolls.

We hope, that in therapy, you may discover what is true and good and honest and pure about yourself. You are a tremendous gift to this world, one of a kind, unique in your abilities and skills. Take time to be...allow little bits of the past to come to mind, and at the same time do not let it overwhelm you with its pain. When you can't take it anymore, put it away for a time, and then revisit it when you are stronger. It is a process, and takes a very long time. We didn't get this way overnight, and to expect to be better within a short period of time is unimaginable and careless in thinking.

May your uncovering of pain be visited by grace in the moment, and may you shine forth as you were meant to be.

Beth

[Tired12]

I have not had a dx of DID but do dissociate. It is very confusing place to be in as you describe, because from my own experience I do feel like a kid but I am full aware I am a adult. So I am unsure if it is DID actually. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has very similar symptoms but is not quite the same. It is confusing don't feel alone in this keep asking questions.

Take care

[Jewels]

tired...u might have borderline personality disorder with dissociation...it isnt the same as DID, but they do dissociate an to different an varying degrees...i hope u will find safety here as u search, an hope u will have a good new year too. abbi